CD13, Cycle 6: Dreams

I had an incredibly vivid dream last night that involved positive pregnancy tests. For some reason, I waited until CD50 to test, and the test line was BLARINGLY POSITIVE even compared to the control line. I also remember thinking to myself that it was weird that I had no other symptoms, but then I pressed my breasts and they KILLED. Woke up feeling that pain, how bizarre.

The strangest parts were...

(1) When I took the test, I suddenly started getting AF-type cramps. DH was certain I wasn't pregnant or was miscarrying. There was one clump of blood, then nothing, and still more positive tests afterward.

(2) When I tried to take pictures of the tests (I had Wondfo sticks, a FRER, and a $tree one, haha), my eyes suddenly went blurry. Not the camera focus, just my eyes. It was very strange and made taking a picture very difficult. (I was apparently trying to take a picture to send to you, Dana. ;))

Then I woke up. Still had the boob pain and had to pee like a racehorse. I was almost tempted, but it made no sense at all to take a pregnancy test. I'm on CD13. :P

Oh, and random... I'm totally wearing my husband's tie today. Because why the fuck not.

CD12, Cycle 6: I keep forgetting what cycle. Also, spermatoceles.

Since I have a couple minutes...

I really should update my main blog. It's been weeks now! WEEKS! Like, three of them!

Since I don't have that kind of time, though (despite all the cool things I want to tell everyone about), I thought I'd just update here real quick and save TCC for tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm on CD12 now, I believe, and we're just trucking along. I actually forgot to take my temp this morning, lol. I'm doing OPKs this cycle, and we're going to follow the SMEP to a certain extent. If we don't follow it by the letter, then whatever.

There is one new concern, though. Talk of a possible complication both with this whole journey and DH's overall health.

DH had hernia surgery when he was an early teenager, which left him with a pretty cool scar and some possible damage to his urological region. Recently, he's been experiencing some pain below the surgical site (it's right over his pubic bone, the scar), and part of the pain involves his vas deferens and possibly his epididymis.

After a bit of research, he concluded that it might be a spermatocele, basically a benign fluid- (often sperm-!) filled cyst that typically extends from the epididymis. They can sit near the top or behind the testicle, separate from the testis. They're more a nuisance than anything, but can become painful.

So not we're caught with that situation. Stubborn man that he is, DH is refusing to check anything until after this cycle, starting with a SA and, only if that's abnormal, getting this possible spermatocele issue checked. It might also be a hernia, which is leading me to push him even harder to go see a doctor (and the possibility that it might be testicular cancer -- hey, gotta leave all options open! -- is pushing me harder), but he's digging in his heels.

Men. Geezus.

Spermatoceles, while not directly the cause of a type of infertility, can cause a reduced sperm count. However, the surgery to remove it can cause even further damage as it may damage the epididymis or the vas deferens, so it's typically left alone unless it's causing pain. They're also really common -- about 3 in 10 men will experience spermatoceles in their lifetime, with the possibility increasing with age.

Excision of the spermatocele in more than 50% of our patients caused permanent deterioration of their spermiogramm. The number of sperms was reduced to less than the half of the preoperative counts. Obstruction of the epididymal duct caused by postoperative cicatrices is thought to be the reason. In consequence of these results operative treatment of spermatoceles should be though over. Our series clearly shows that the dissection of a spermatocele by no means should be practiced by way of treating infertility.

Dissection of spermatoceles and fertility

So we're just going to leave it alone, and DH will have everything checked if we don't conceive this cycle. Not just his SA, either; I won't let him go halfway with that. :P Better to find out that it's a spermatocele than something else!

Anyway, that's how things are. Chugging along, trying desperately to get some leisure mixed in with these crazy workweeks. Seriously, I've been swamped. Hopefully it'll slow down soon... :)

CD7, Cycle 6 - It's a...!

My days have been SWAMPED recently. I slept for 11 or so hours Wednesday night, which was sorely needed as I had to get up really early the next day and do a whole day's worth of training and getting everything ready for a surprise birthday party for a coworker. It was insane, I tell you! Only now am I getting a breather, and it's like a pant rather than a wheeze.

ANYWAY.

During one of the seminars today, awesome attorney-boss was at a prenatal appointment earlier today with his wife for a gender scan! I sent him an email while he was there about something different, and he replied, then said:

Still at the scan. It's a girl!

Cue me spazzing internally for, like, five minutes! I sent back a congrats (in CAPS and with !exclamations! and all that jazz) and went on spazzing for a bit, haha.

I'm really, REALLY excited. So much so that I was talking to Melissa earlier about setting up a baby shower for him here at some point -- she suggested a month before the due date, so about mid-September. So I have a while to plan. Whee!!

I hate the person that has come of this whole TTC journey, though. While I'm absolutely thrilled (and very bemused by how he wonders what playing Barbies will be like and his hope that, between his son and the new baby's NINE male cousins, she'll be a tomboy, lol), I've become rather bitter about the whole thing. Not him, not of his family, not even of his situation. Just overall.

Especially now that some more friends have announced their pregnancies, almost in a way that was like... well, we managed to get it done quickly! It just makes me think that there's something wrong with me, which is stupid because there isn't, but when they say something like that...

I don't know. I think people can just get swept up in their own little worlds and completely disregard the fact that someone is struggling with the same thing they managed to achieve, sometimes with very little to no effort. That's made even worse when those people know that someone is struggling and that person has shared her pain with them.

Eurgh. Anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post, but as with most TTC/baby-related posts, it went all negative again.

So yes, awesome attorney-boss is having a girl! Now to plan a baby shower. :D Melissa gave me some great ideas (like, seriously, you can throw baby showers for the father-to-be!), so I'll be busy working on that the next few months!

CD5, Cycle 6: A Letter :)

I got this off Nicola's LJ... you can totally thank her for this. :)

Dear Infertile Friend,

I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Of course, I think of you every day, but on this day, which I know is particularly difficult for you, I want you to know that you’re in my heart. I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles. As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes. I assure you, I haven’t. In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility. I acutely remember when Mother’s Day was a reminder of everything I wasn’t, instead of a celebration of everything I ever wanted to be.

In honor of Mother’s Day I want to give you a gift. A gift I hope you’ll treasure. It’s not a magic bullet. I don’t have one of those. Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises. Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey.

I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers… I promise.

I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you… I promise.

I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle… I promise.

Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way… I promise.

Please accept this Mother’s Day gift. It’s a reminder that even though at times I may say or do the wrong thing, I know, in the depth of my soul, that you would make a terrific mother. I can’t wait for the day when we can celebrate this occasion differently. Until then, please remember you are not alone, my friend. Whatever—whenever—just say the word. I WILL be your biggest cheerleader… I promise.

CD4, Cycle 6

Okay, so this is cool.

Before we started TTC (and I went back through a year of charts to be sure), my period was a steady 4-5 days long, with two HEAVY days and two medium before finally waning off. I also had these horrible menstrual cramps, the kind that would double me over in pain and leave me wanting to throw up for the first day.

Since this TTC journey, especially these past three cycles, my periods have been short. And light. And not nearly as crampy. It's actually... kind of wonderful. I don't know why this is happening (and part of me is honestly concerned that there's now an issue with my endometrial lining), but I'm so thankful for that little blessing in my cycle.

That all said, I'm not bleeding or even spotting today. My flow was normal until yesterday, when it got really light and disappeared before this morning. And my temp is allllll the way down to 97.2 (36.2 Celsius for my metric friends :)).

Oh, we were at CVS yesterday before picking up dinner, and I suggested to DH that we take a look at PreSeed. He had heard of it before (from me, ha), but I don't think he knew all the benefits, so when we checked it out in the family planning section (ironically next to the condoms because LOOOOL), and I told him I wanted to try it for Cycle 7 if this one didn't work, he decided we should just get it. If we were going to anyway, why not.

$21 later, we had a thing of PreSeed. And uh, it comes with single-use applicators, which I was not expecting. LOL

OMG! I also got this amazing package from SB in the mail yesterday!! All these really nifty things for fun and spicy times in the bedroom, bwahaha! I'll take a picture later and share, but I'll just say they are amazing, and SB is even more so! <3 <3 <3

(I totally blushed while opening the package, by the way. ;))

And I have another friend who I'm meeting for coffee after work who is gifting us with a mojo bag for fertility! She heard about my struggles through a prayer thread, and she wanted to help! <3 <3 <3

Can I just say that I have the most incredible, supportive, and amazingly wonderful friends ever? I'm seriously overcome with love and joy right now. :D

CD3, Cycle 6

A couple of things we're doing differently this cycle:

• Still temping. Throwing CM checks back in the mix. Not doing so last cycle was actually a detriment.
• Green tea and possibly EPO to increase EWCM. I have very little, from previous observation.
• DH is having a SA done if this cycle doesn't work out.
• We'll use PreSeed if this cycle doesn't work out.

At least my period has been short -- medium flow Saturday and Sunday, and light today. It makes me worried about my lining (is it sufficient?), but I'm thankful for the duration. And VIP tickets to Preakness on Saturday that took my mind off everything. :)

I'm a bit frustrated that it's been almost a half-year with timed intercourse and all this nonsense. A new friend of mine, though, said she didn't think it would happen until July -- she just has a feeling. That'll make it Cycle 7 and a baby due at the end of March. Which means the end of pregnancy being in the winter, which wouldn't suck at all. :)

Onward, we press.

CD31, Cycle 5 - 13DPO

Well then. Woke up this morning to over a .3-degree temp drop, which is just fantastic. :P Between that and having my signature sign -- a bump on my cervix -- I'm pretty much resigned to AF's impending arrival.

I have some really mild cramps today, too. More a dull ache than anything, really, though I expect that to pick up.

The strangest thing -- and this may be TMI, so feel free to avert your eyes ;) -- is the spotting. I have discovered that, when doing my cervical check on the day of or before AF, I have a bit of bright red spotting before the full flow. Never enough to count as bleeding, and not even enough to be on a pantiliner. But it's there.

Since I'm expecting AF today, I put on a pad and am waiting for a full flow or at least that bright red spotting. So far, I don't have any, but I do have this brown-tinted CM that is just... weird. It's lightly tinged, almost like the stuff I have at the very end of my period. It almost gives me hope that it's implantation bleeding... but I can't be sure.

I swear, I'm going to post this and AF is gonna come full force. ;) Isn't that usually how it happens.

Anyway, like everyone keeps saying, it ain't over 'til it's over (or, my favorite, it ain't over 'til the old bitch sings, LOL). And at the moment, at least, it ain't over. If it still ain't over tomorrow morning... well, I'mma take a test and see how it goes. Tomorrow is when FF predicts AF is actually expected.

So that's where I am today. I'm a bit disappointed about the temp drop, but I got to talk to my mom about this yesterday, and I feel better about it. I'm really glad I talked to her. :) It's tough, emotional, and draining, but after this, I'm determined to take each day at a time and, at least after O is confirmed, maybe even put the thermometer away for a cycle. One less thing to obsess over.

Okay, I have a TON of work to do, and it's not even 11am yet. Time to hit the ground runnin'. :)

CD30, Cycle 5 - 12DPO

Feeling better today, mostly because my temp went back up to 98.14 this morning. XD Again with the emotions tied to the temperatures!



I also feel a little more energetic, which is nice. The bad thing I'm feeling today, though, is stomach upset. I'm still getting cramps (very intermittently and much nicer than the last two days especially) and my lower back hurts like a mofo, but the stomach upset is the worst and just started today. I had some eggs and potatoes with ketchup this morning -- breakfast of champions, whut -- and now I feel like I'm going to hurl.

This iced coffee should help with that, right? :P

Seriously, though. Today's a good day. I didn't POAS, so nothing is tied to that; in fact, if I just pee first thing in the morning and don't turn around to fish a cup or a pee stick out of the medicine cabinet, I'm good to go. My mind doesn't really let me POAS after the morning, lol. So there's no temptation there.

Part of me is tempted, though, to POAS tomorrow morning and, if positive, surprise DH. But I'm just gonna wait until Saturday; AF is expected that morning (yup, always in the morning -- thanks for ruining a perfectly good day, AF), so if she doesn't come... well, then it'd be time to find out.

Time will tell, time will tell. Until then, damn straight, I'm carrying my fertility doll with me everywhere and rubbing the stone in her belly with my thumb, secretly whispering to the Universe to allow me to have something just as beautiful in my own belly. <3

CD29, Cycle 5 - 11DPO (I am having A Day)

My temp dropped this morning, some of the tenderness in my breasts is gone (though the shooting pains are not), and I've been cramping with a lower backache for four days now. This is getting ridiculous.

I hate that my emotions are tied to my temperatures.

The last thing I want is for AF to arrive today or tomorrow... that'll mean too short a LP for anything to happen. Grr. AF, if you're going to come... wait until after 13DPO, please?

Nothing else... I don't have the strength today.

CD27, Cycle 5 - 9DPO: Happy (belated) Mother's Day!

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day!! It was DH's birthday, too, so we went to see The Avengers (which was AWESOME) and had dinner at Outback Steakhouse (which is rough for a vegetarian, but their steamed veggies are good, if overly buttered). I also got to Skype my mom for about an hour, which was so nice -- I wish we had the time to do that more often. <3

Yesterday was a bit rough, though. I'll give you that. Took a pregnancy test and it was negative, which I fully expected, but it still hurt.

That's not the only thing that hurt, though. My lower back keeps aching, and I woke up this morning with pretty crazy painful cramps. It's too early at 9DPO for AF to arrive, so I'm a little worried. I've had cramps before in previous cycles, but these hurt so much that they woke me up. (Right on time, too, as my alarm apparently decided it didn't want to go off this morning. THANKS ALARM)

That, and all these other symptoms. I want my tea, but it smells too powerful for me to drink it; I want coffee, but the thought of it turns my stomach. And while my stomach is already funky, food isn't helping -- the bagel I had for breakfast is struggling to stay down.

OH. And by far the weirdest (and most disturbing) thing: I've been craving a cheeseburger. Not a veggie burger with cheese, a beef patty cheeseburger. It both amazes and disgusts me. I don't know what's going on; I haven't had a craving like this since I first went vegetarian and had to get over the hump that is weaning yourself off a certain food group. When we went out to dinner last night, DH ordered this steak, and I really, really wanted to have a bite. It was almost overwhelming.

That one really grosses me out. Eurgh. I hope that, when I eventually am pregnant, I don't end up craving meat. :| I'm thinking it might be an iron issue, which I'm going to look into this week.

I want to say this is all mental. That I'm psyching myself out, especially since I can't take another test until Saturday morning*. I'm sincerely hoping this isn't the case, but considering the past four cycles, I don't want to get my hopes up then risk them all crashing down.

*DH is out of town until then. He asked me to hold off on POAS until he came back. In the meantime, he'll be in San Diego, enjoying the beautiful weather. :P

Damn, though, I'm tired and I need some tea. Or coffee.

CD24, Cycle 5 - 6DPO(??): Still thankful, just emotional.

Behind a cut as I'm sure y'all don't want to read. XD

Thankful.

I've been reading this thread over at TCOYF for a bit now, and I still can't get over how much pain there is from those women plagued with infertility. It seriously breaks my heart.

I'm happy to see that many of them went on to conceive in one way or another, sometimes only a few months after their rants. Some women fell off the face of the earth and others, I'm sure, are still struggling, but those positive stories really lift my spirits.

Reading those also made me realize... I have a lot to be thankful for. Despite all these cycles of trying, let's be realistic: It's only been five cycles, I'm pretty young at 27, both DH and I are at least relatively healthy and there don't seem to be signs of infertility for either one of us. We both have great jobs, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, things that we both want and need, and we have money left over. And of course, we have each other!

In many ways, we're much better off than several people I know either in real life or through the internet, including those on the TCOYF boards. And truth be told, we really haven't been trying that long, among all other good things in our lives right now.

A baby would really only add to this great situation we're in, and while I do want one desperately, I also realize that for every cycle that goes by where we don't get pregnant, someone equally or even more deserving is crying with joy over their BFP. Someone is being blessed by the universe with their own bundle of joy after what is hopefully a very happy and healthy pregnancy.

And soon, it'll be our time, too. So long as others are experiencing this joyful occasion, so I can wait for our perfect baby blessed by the universe. :)

CD23, Cycle 5 - 5DPO? Maybe?

Hm... so the FAM community on LJ is telling me I might have ovulated on CD20, FF is still telling me it was CD18, and I put my stats into TCOYF for shits and giggles and that's telling me CD19.

Round and round and round it goes, when I ovulated, nobody knows. Fun times!

(ETA: After some suggestions from the TCOYF forums, I changed a couple settings for my TCOYF chart -- nothing major, all reasonable -- and now it's showing ovulation on CD18. So IDK what LJ is talking about at this point, lol.)

Otherwise, I'm just chillin'. I'm a little disappointed that my morning coffee just wasn't doing it for me, so it's just sitting by my side, taunting me with its caffeine-y goodness while I yawn my ass off. I have these Starbucks caramel Frappuccino things that I might bust out later, but if I'm not feeling those, either, then I'll feel like I've wasted it.

I am, despite my tone the last few posts, seriously doing well. :) It's been a fun cycle, at least, with no stress and lots of physical affection between myself and DH, which has helped our relationship as a whole. I'm also feeling at peace considering the ritual we did at the Super Moon.

I didn't tell y'all about that yet, did I? I'll put that under a cut in case you're not interested. :) That, and talk about a fertility doll!

So we obviously had sex on CD18, Super Moon day. For that, DH had candles lit and I had incense going, and after we had our fun, we decided to go out and see if we could see the moon. Unfortunately, it was so overcast that its light wasn't even poking through the clouds, but man, did we try to take pictures.

While DH was lining up a few shots, I prepared a little ritual: A tea light candle in a shell (mostly for wind protection, though that honestly didn't help a whole lot as the wind was WHIPPIN', but maybe it was for light within a womb, too? Something like that, as I'm water sign, haha) and a glass vial filled with the ashes from the incense burned while having sex. I did some meditation with the candle flame and the shell, then DH and I got together to release the ashes.

Before we did, I said a bit about hoping this cycle goes well but being blessed to have each other, to soon add to our family, and for our future child to be created out of the love we have for each other. Then, when the wind died down for a moment, we blew the ashes and had the wind carry our intentions.

I also carried with me a scrunchie that I got at a friend's baby shower. The family is a bit superstitious, and when my friend's grandfather said something about being given a gift from a pregnant woman means you'll be the next one pregnant, I wanted to toss the damn thing across the room! (We were TTA at the time, ha!) But now, I'm holding onto it for all it's worth.

So that was our little ritual. :) Nothing crazy, but I hope it had some power considering DH was there, it was the Super Moon, and we've done pretty much everything else "right" this time. If not, well, the Universe has our intentions. So it'll work eventually. :)

I should also have soon a fertility doll that I bought off a Facebook friend. Nothing all that special there, but just the fact that it's made just for me, just for the purpose of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy... well, that helps my mind, at least. And magick is mostly in the mind!

CD21, Cycle 5 - 3DPO

Yup! FF gave me crosshairs, so exciting. Just where I thought they'd be, too, at CD18 (and on Super Moon day!!).

I'm still losing track of cycle dates, which I'm taking as a good thing. I've also been overall more relaxed about this, concentrating more on body images than anything -- yay, right? I've gained 5lbs since I started working here last September, and it's been a struggle to not only lose, but just to stay where it is. Blargh!

I did have a moment yesterday, though. For some reason, seeing and playing with kids is a lot easier than seeing (and... uh, playing with?) pregnant women; the second makes me much more emotional. I hit a breaking point when I went to Trader Joe's after work and had contact in some shape or form with four women, three of whom were pregnant and one of whom was too old to have children (she was a grandmother). And I was just like... whyyyyy.

It's been a while since I've had a reaction like that. Two cycles, I think. Which means I wouldn't be surprised if I had a crying jag like the last time I got super-emotional during a cycle. Ugh.

Ah well, I'm trying to brush it off. It's tough, but I'm managing.

Fortunately, I have a lot to keep me busy. We've been redoing the front yard, and we have a lot to celebrate this weekend between a friend's birthday (11th), DH's birthday (13th), and Mother's Day (13th). A weekend where we'll get a ton of calls from DH's mom, I'm sure, and I'll feel a little weird about the whole affair with birthdays and a day to celebrate moms, but I'll be all right.

Then DH is out of town the following week, and I'll be left with my own thoughts. Could be a dangerous week, especially since AF's anticipated arrival is 19 May at the very latest. Phew...

Oh, and I'm totally boning my husband tonight. He denied me yesterday. ;)

Green thumbs and green stones.

We got a letter last week from the HOA about our "dead foliage" in the front yard. Apparently, the HOA was none too pleased that, in a fit of boredom, Matt decided to rip up a few of them and leave them out to dry, ha.

So we took advantage of that letter and the nicer weather yesterday by revamping half of our front yard... and by "we", I mean "I", as he readily admits that I'm the brawn to his brains. (Though I beg to differ on the latter. ;)) The feeling after we had finished was akin to when we had to rip up the carpet in our basement after it flooded: A sense of accomplishment that can only come from tearing things down and building them back up.



I realized after we had already started cultivating that we didn't get a "before" shot. So instead, here's one from the listing when we bought our house a year ago. (Photo was probably from summer 2010. And no, that 'cycle isn't ours. Le sigh.)

I also don't have any "in progress" photos, which is just as disappointing! At least you get the final product, right? We still have to put in a couple more bags of rocks to fill it out, but this is essentially it!




The stones, by the way, are Virginia green rocks from Lowe's. I think they're specific to the area as I can't find them online, but they are this lovely bright gray color with a slight tinge of green. They get darker and more green when wet, which I found out this morning as I was leaving the house for work.

And finally, we have this rosebush in the front yard from our previous neighbors. When we first moved in, it was February and none of the roses were out. It looked like a scraggly ol' thing, and I was pretty tempted to rip it up. Then it bloomed, and I thought... eh, maybe it's worth sticking around.

THEN came this year. Matt and I seriously never touch this thing; I just learned yesterday from a neighbor how to prune it, actually. And it's had so many beautiful yellow roses that it became the envy of the block: "Oh, your roses are gorgeous!" "That's the fullest I've ever seen it!" "How do you do that?!"

I dunno, just let the damn thing grow. ;)







Now we just have the right side of the front yard to take care of! We want to completely get rid of those bushes, which harbor bees and wasps through spring and summer (and a garden snake who lives under our steps and who we named Snakey, but we love him (her...?) and want him to find a new home when we revamp as the bushes are his place to sun himself), and replace them with the same green rocks and some flowerbeds. Ooh! And we want to put in a bench, too, but we have to run that by HOA first. Hope they let us.

And our back deck, too, but that's going to be a hell of a job. Pressure-washing, sanding, staining, and sealing? Yeah, I sense more backbreaking work ahead of us ahem, me.



Totally enjoyed a well-deserved Smirnoff blueberry lemonade after the fact. Very well-deserved.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this peek into our home! :)

CD, um... 18. Yeah, that's it. Cycle 5.

Still apathetic, obviously. XD

Tonight is the Super Moon!! DH and I are hoping to, ah... harness its powers, haha, before we go out later tonight to actually see it. It's really overcast so our chances of seeing it aren't good, but we're still going to try.

I'm so superstitious when it comes to that stuff, and I've learned that DH can be, too. He's convinced that the powers of Beltane (which was this past 1 May) and the Super Moon tonight will mean some super-strong baby-makin' juju.

Truth be told, I don't mind one way or the other. It'd be great, but I'm not entirely banking on it. I just wanted to have fun this time around, and so far, we've been having alot of fun. See?

Lots andlots of fun. ;)

The only thing that I've found interesting this cycle is how low my temps have been. Like, seriously, they've been hanging so low the past few days. We haven't done anything special over the nights except had the A/C on to normal limits and the fan running on low -- it's been so humid the past few days. I feel sticky right now... yuck. So the environment is, if anything, warmer than usual.

I'm hoping they soar tomorrow. It is CD18, after all. Apparently.

In non-baby-makin' news, I was told by awesome attorney-boss that I'm worth more than my last billable-hour firm was charging per hour of my time (which was a lot, by the way) (yay!), my weight is up (boo!), I have a new iPad (yay!) and we're thinking about upgrading my laptop to become the "family" computer (double yay!), Mother's Day is next Sunday (yay! and boo! because that's also DH's birthday and, well,
we'rehe's gonna have phone calls like CRAZY that day), DH is out of town for a week the day after (boo!), and we're otherwise doing great (obvs yay! is obvs).

Oh, and I had a beer at work yesterday. My job fucking ROCKS.

A Personal Update

I know I don't do many of these, mostly because I want this blog to focus on spirituality (both for myself and as a whole) and food (because YUM), but there are some times when, as I read about your hopes and dreams and personal lives, I feel like sharing my own with you guys.

This is one of those times. :)

As I'm probably going to cover a lot of topics in one blog post, I'm including links within this post to direct you to whatever topic you might be interested in!

• Writing, publishing, and wordsmithing

• Baby fever!

• Create your own happiness

Recently, two great friends of mine published fiction and poetry books: Samantha Curtin, Dark Cell and Tori Z, Mr. Pumpkin Head and Other Poems, respectively. Both are great works, and I encourage you to check them out! I'm so happy to read works by friends of mine and to know that they're accomplishing their goals.

Which leads me to my own. Y'all know about my "30 Before 30" list, right? (If not, go check it out!) One of my goals is, and always has been, to finish a NaNoWriMo challenge and submit that book for publishing. And every year, it evades me.

To see my friends achieving their goal and having their work out there... while it fills me with pride to know they got there, it also gives me a pang of jealousy. (Sammi and Tori, this is totally not your fault. Please keep on doin' what you're doin'. :)) I want to have my own work out there, to see it in the hands of others and know that my name is in the world of the written word.

This stems, I think, from being too critical of my work. I've written a lot over the years, from creative non-fiction to the occasional traipse into fiction (though I admit, I'm not very good at the latter, lol), but I keep looking at my work with such a critical eye and with a disdain for my own writing.

When I was in elementary school, I would write and illustrate my own books all the time. We had a little "publishing house" in the library, where our teachers and the librarians would print, bind, and give you a hard copy of your own book, with text at the bottom of the page and blank spaces to take up the rest, where you could draw out your stories. I remember standing next to our librarian (a woman who smelled of perfume and the pages of old books... good lord, I love that smell), who painstakingly lined up each page with the binding machine and lovingly bound each page, complimenting me and other students along the way on how creative they are and asking how it felt to hold a book of your own writing in your hands.

I don't know what happened over the years. That sense of confidence -- knowing that I was writing something great (even by a seven-year-old's standards!) and having the wherewithal to see those words come to life -- has waned to the point where any attempt that I make at writing with the express purpose of potential publishing is tossed away. Or, in 21st-century terms, dragged to the recycle bin.

Seeing where my friends are going with their own personal pursuits, though, makes me want to achieve that goal in a way that I haven't felt in years. It's almost to the point where I don't care if my writing isn't 100% amazing or on par with some of my favorite authors. I have ideas, I have the ability to write them, and I may even have the ability to write them well. Why not take that chance?

So yup, I'm pressing forward with it, even outside the scope of NaNoWriMo. I can complete that goal later. ;) Last night, while I was lying in bed and nursing a foot that just would not stop itching, I was also scratching another itch: A novel (ha!) idea that I've had the past couple years that finally started to fall into place. There were a lot of aspects about the novel -- the characters, the storyline, the connections between each person and how to create more conflict than what was easily available -- that just weren't coming together, and they finally clicked last night.

I'm not sure when it will be finished, but I hope to reach that goal -- to publish! OMG! -- by the time I turn 30. A story bordering on the supernatural, focusing on suppressed magick... I can't wait for it to come together.

And you know y'all are going to be the first to hear about it when I do accomplish it. :)

There's another goal I've been wanting to reach... and this one involves the support of (and, erm... lol, other stuff from) my husband. I'm now past 27, the age when I wanted to start having children, and no babies in sight. Seriously, I'm okay with this, as not having children right now has given me and Matt the opportunity to do and achieve other things, around the house and with our friends and otherwise, that we wouldn't have been able to achieve had we had children.

But there's still that nagging feeling in the back of my mind, the so-called "baby-fever" or "cluckiness" that is just taking over me recently! And as much as it's taking over me, I think Matt's got it worse than I do, which is both hilarious and a bit freaky at the same time. Hilarious because, come on... have you ever seen a baby-crazy guy? It's rather adorable. :)

And freaky because, well, it's a huge life change! To know that he's entirely ready for it (or at least is showing me that he's entirely ready for it) makes me wonder if I am.

Deep down, I know I am. I'm prepared, I'm even excited for it. I'm ready for the life change, the night waking, the exhaustion, the complete lack of autonomy over my own body (oh, that will be fun). We're even making proactive steps in that direction, which is even more exciting... it's going to happen!

Seeing my friends all around me having children or expecting makes that fever climb even higher. And awesome attorney-boss' wife is pregnant (they already have an ADORABLE son, so it's like, more cuteness... yes, please)! Makes me want to join that club, haha.

I don't know what it was about last night, but after I was done mulling the novel (again... ha!) idea over in my head, I started thinking about babies. I'll admit: Matt and I talk about babies a lot, from what room they'll be in to how to arrange it, from arranging daycare in infancy as my responsibility and getting a more "family-friendly" car for when daycare switches to his, from cloth diapers to breastfeeding to attachment parenting to slingwraps to organic baby foods (because you know I'll be making that myself as long as I can). And everything in between.

So that's where we currently stand on that. And like the novel, if that ever happens? Y'all will be among the first to know. Sorry... for that, family gets first dibs. ;)

And finally... during another discussion Matt and I had yesterday, a really important thing came up: The idea of creating your own happiness.

This isn't really something I've struggled with. I've always been a relatively happy person, so much so that even a frown would make my friends panic: "Holy shit, Steph, what's wrong?!" Heaven forbid I ever get pissed off, lol. But I've always had something to be happy about, even if it took a little digging to find it.

Others, I realize, aren't that fortunate. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion, and even longer to realize that I couldn't help them fill that happiness-devoid hole. It would almost leave me feeling like I had done something wrong, that I was somehow deficient because I couldn't help this person.

A recent post by Liz over at The Naked Oak caused me to reflect on this. I am, according to Myers-Briggs, a pretty hardcore INFP. Always have been. It pretty much explains the whole empath thing and the struggle I've had with trying to keep others' negative energies from influencing my own, and I've done a pretty decent job of it over the years (though that itself needed a lot of practice, ha). But when it comes to the happiness of others, that's where I tend to struggle... and I think it's because I think, It's so easy for it to come to me; why do others have problems achieving the same?

That discussion last night with Matt made the struggle even worse. It's hard enough when I'm trying to help a friend find their happiness, but my spouse? The one person that I would hope that, just by being in his life, it'd be a bit brighter?

Sure, it might be. He's told me that it is, haha. But I can't be his everything when it comes to happiness; not only is that a lot of pressure on me, but it limits his scope of happiness to one person, a person that could be here one minute and gone the next. (Yeah, it's dark, but let's face it: All things must come to an end.)

The discussion -- a long, heartfelt, passionate almost-fight -- ended with that one statement: "Make your own happiness."

I'm not sure how he's going to find it, much like I have no idea how my friends and family and anyone else finds it. I'm confident that he will, though, even if it takes some searching.

So that's how things are in the life of a self-proclaimed Foxy Lady. Hope y'all enjoyed this rather personal glimpse. :)

CD15, Cycle 5 - Cycle of Apathy

I think I'mma call this month the Cycle of Apathy. Because seriously, I couldn't care less.

There have already been a few times when DH had to remind me what CD I'm on (for some reason, he remembers the first day of my last menstrual cycle... but he remembers weird things like that all the time, lol), and aside from just tracking the days we have sex and my BBT, I haven't been tracking anything else. Figured that it'd just be good to have some fun this month and toss everything else to the wind. As a result, we've been having a LOT of sex. Like... a lot. It's kinda awesome.

Yesterday was Beltane (shout-out to my Pagan peeps! ;)), and while DH doesn't really celebrate the Sabbats with me -- and part of that is my fault, as I've never had to plan for more than just myself, haha -- Beltane is still his favorite Sabbat, maybe second only to Samhain, as that's our wedding anniversary. But any excuse to have sex is a good holiday to him. ;) So we, of course, celebrated, and at the end, he was all, "You just got Beltaned!" I have a feeling that's going to be a common phrase in our house. LOOOOL

Anyway, that's where we are. I'm CD... uh, 15? See, no idea. I have to go back to my chart to reference. I've had three days of low temps and am waiting to O; my last four months were around CD18, so I've got a few days. Think I might ovulate earlier, though, we'll see. I'm not using OPKs or anything else this time around, and I'm determined to wait until 15DPO to test for anything (my LP has never been longer than 13).

Hope y'all are doing well! :)

Pagan Coming Out Day 2012

Happy Pagan Coming Out Day! :D

Pagan Coming Out Day

Every year, the day after Beltane, comes a time when you get to come out in all your Pagany glory. I've asked y'all to share your coming-out stories on my Facebook page, and as promised, below is a survey that you can share with everyone as well.

According to PCOD:

Coming out to someone is a decision only you can make and it’s a decision best made when you are ready to do so. IPCOD encourages Pagans who are ready to come on out!

There are benefits, personally and for our religious community as a whole, as more Pagans come out. Some of these benefits include the reduction of anxiety caused by living a double life and creating a climate of greater acceptance for all Pagans.

So, if you're ready, come out and share your own story! I'll share my own thoughts on it later, but I'll admit... I've got things to do, yo. ;)

Have a wonderful PCOD day, and don't forget to share your own story!

 

The Survey

B A S I C S //
Do you have a magical/Pagan name? I did when I was younger, but I prefer not to use it now, actually. I sometimes think of it during my practice, but more as an  “aw cute, wasn’t I an adorable little witchling?” kind of thing. It was Raven, FWIW.
What does it mean? When I actually used it, I liked its trickster qualities; I was very much a secluded, secretive person when I was younger, not really divulging much. As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed a more intuitive, healing, positive side to me (that might have been there before, but that I didn’t really notice — I was an angsty teen, STFU!) that I learned were qualities of the raven. I associate more with that now than the trickster. (See: Native American mythology surrounding the raven.)
How did you find Paganism? I was referred to Silver RavenWolf’s To Ride a Silver Broomstick when I was 13, and it all fell into place from there. I’ve called myself some sort of Pagan (Wiccan, Witch, eclectic, whatever) since I was 14.
How long have you been practicing? I’m currently 27 and took a year off from practice to explore other faiths, so all that into consideration, 12 years (wow, that sounds like a long time). And I still have a hell of a long way to go!
Solitary or group practitioner? Solitary at first, though I’ve done group activities, and like it both ways. Solitary is more personal to me, while groups offer kinship.
What is your path? Eclectic Pagan.
Are you out of the broom closet? Sure am! I actually came out not long after I converted, but that didn’t go well. After this long and being more mature, my parents are much more accepting of my faith, even if they don’t like it, haha. And generally, I’m out in public if anyone asks. I also wear a pentacle almost daily, so if someone hasn't already confused me for a Jew (seriously, y'all, there's a difference between a pentacle and a Star of David), they're pretty much aware.

D E I T Y //
Who is your patron God? I have none, and likely never will. I’m pretty staunchly panentheistic.
Who is your patron Goddess? See above.
What Gods do you worship? See above!
Do you fear darkly aspected Gods/Goddess, or rather respect them? If I believed them, I wouldn’t fear them, no. They’re part of what makes Deity what it is, and part of what makes me human, so I accept it rather than push it away, and acknowledge it entirely.
Do you worship the Christian God? No.
Do you ever worship animals? Nope.
Or plants? Again, nope. BUT, being panentheistic, I do worship nature as a whole and as Deity.

N A T U R E //
Do you regularly commune with nature? I should more often, but yes.
Ever walked barefoot in the woods? Yes, but not for long. I may be panentheistic, but I’m not stupid. ;)
Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature? No, but I really, REALLY want to. Our house backs up to a wooded area -- not sure if we're allowed to camp there, but Matt and I have talked about it!
Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth? There was one occasion where I was walking through the woods near where I grew up — the area used to be heavily wooded, but has since been replaced with a housing complex. There was a decent-sized clearing where I often sat and just… was. I often brought a book and read there, or played on the swing I hung from a tree. I need a place like that again. ;) I also had a tree in a neighbor’s yard that I climbed often, and that was another sanctuary of mine.
Do you have a familiar? Nope.
Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual? No.
Or a plant? No.
Do you hug trees? Haha, I do. (Matt teased me about this yesterday, actually.)
Give them gifts? Yes. :)  To trees and the earth.
What is your favourite flower to work with? I haven’t worked with flowers before, TBH.
What is your favourite tree to work with? It didn’t really matter, though I really like oak. (ALLERGIES BE DAMNED.)

W H E E L . O F . T H E . Y E A R //
What is your favourite holiday? Samhain, haha. :) I also love Ostara and Mabon. Y'all probably already know Matt's favorite is Beltane.
What is your least favourite holiday? Midsummer in Florida, holy hell. Though they're not much better in Maryland!
Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday? Absolutely! I really want to host a Dumb Supper one year, actually.
Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a Pagan holiday? If you count our wedding on Samhain, then yes. ;)  Since then and our first wedding anniversary (which was in Salem because we rock), nope, haven't taken off. We will be this year for a Midsummer wedding, though!
Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25? Yes. We do secular/Jewish Christmas on the 25th, haha. I imagine we’ll celebrate Yule on the 21st as well when we have kids.
Have you ever felt the veil thin? ::nods:: It’s a very… powerful experience. Felt it on Samhain 2006.
Ever danced the Maypole? No, but I really, REALLY want to. :)
Know what the Maypole symbolizes? Um yah duh. LOL
How do you usually celebrate the Pagan holidays? Often, something small, and typically in the kitchen (I really orient myself strongly as a kitchen witch, haha). Otherwise, I’ll reflect on the change in the Wheel. Typically not with ritual.

D I V I N A T I O N //
Do you use Tarot? Yup!
Do you use runes? Nope. Never had an affinity towards them.
Do you use a pendulum? No, but then again, I’ve never used one.
Do you use dowsing rods? I did when I was a kid, but not in my adult years.
Do you use astrology? I do, but typically with the guidance of others. I really want to be able to do it myself someday. Oh, and I always pay attention when Mercury is retrograde. You never know.
Any other form of divination? Nope. Not huge into divination.

S P E L L S //
What was the first spell you did? A dedication spell when I was 13. It was before I began my year-and-a-day study.
What was the latest? Hm. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a spell, so I honestly don’t remember.
Ever done a love spell? Kind of. More a “love thyself” spell than towards anything specific. I prefer them that way. :)
A job spell? Yes. Absolutely. And I’m employed. :)
A healing spell? Yes, for my grandfather when I was a late teen. It worked, thankfully, though that was a terribly scary time.
What was the most powerful spell you’ve ever performed? Probably the healing one for my grandfather. I imagine I have an affinity for that, actually.
What deities do you usually call on? I actually don’t call on deities; I tend to call on nature more than anything else. Though honestly, I haven’t done all that many spells (in all my years of practicing, maybe a handful or two), so I haven’t explored different deities. One side effect of  being panentheistic. :)

C R Y P T O Z O O L O G Y //
Do you believe in Vampires? Not in the “fanged people who will suuuuck your blooood,” but I do believe in un/intentional ones.
Werewolves? Haha, no.
Shapeshifters? Nope.
Elves? Mmm… I’m not doubting it, but not actively believing, either.
Faeries? See above.
Dragons? No.
Nymphs? See “elves.”
Sprites? See above.
Mermaids? See above.
Sirens? See above.
Satyrs? See above.
Ever “seen” any of the above? No.
Ever talked to any of the above? Faeries, yes, but more existentially speaking than literally.
Ever used any of the above in magic? Nope.
Do you have one of them as a personal guardian? Well… not actively. When I was 8 or 9, I had a faerie who would visit me at church (lol). I don’t know if I had an overactive imagination or if it was real, though I attribute the possibility of both.

R A N D O M //
Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon? Rabbit.
Own a cat? No, but I WISH.
When you meditate, what does your happy place look like? It tends to be more of a feeling than a place, of total relaxation mixed with drawing up energy from the earth. I guess, if I had to visualize it, it’d be a lot like taking roots and putting them in the earth, both to give energy and to draw up some for myself. Give and take, you know. :)
Do you work with Chakras? Actually, no. I learned about them in pretty intense depth over a year ago, but I don’t work with them. I can see the benefits, though, and probably should. :)
Do you believe in past lives? I’m on the fence.
If so, describe a few briefly: I really can’t, haha.
Do you believe in soul mates? I’m glad this question is in the plural. I don’t believe in a single soul mate that’s meant to “complete” a person, but rather, people who are made to supplement your life. I’m a pretty big believer in creating your own complete life and having anyone else who enters it be a part of it, but never half of it (or even a major part of it). It’s weird that I believe this and I believe Matt to be my better half at times, but I also know that, should anything ever happen and we weren’t together in this life, there would be others who could fill this role as well. (I’m just glad it’s him!)
Do you have a spirit guide? Not that I know of.
Is it always love and light? Psh, no. Nothing in life ever is. But it’s the depression and darkness that makes me appreciate the love and light. :)

Happy Beltane! :)

To those in the Northern hemisphere who celebrate, a very happy and fun-filled Beltane to you! And to those brothers and sisters to the south, happy Samhain!!

Since Matt and I will be out celebrating his favorite Sabbat (lol) with a bunch of friends and good drinks tonight, and considering I have work today, I don't have a great amount of time for a large Beltane post. Therefore, I'm going to direct you to some posts from last year with great bits of information, and will add some posts from my favorite bloggers as well as the day goes on. (Got one you wanna add? Lemme know!)

So enjoy these, have a wonderful Sabbat, and don't have too much fun -- it is a weekday, after all. ;)

A History of Beltane

Gods, Goddesses, and other Beltane symbols

The Faery Courts

Bee Chant for Beltane

Carefree Crafts for Beltane

Let's talk about sex, baby!

Beltane and the Great Rite

Bonfire and Maypole Celebrations

Prayers and Rituals Honoring the Feminine

From others:

Kallan Kennedy
Sunday Stew: Beltane 2012 Edition
Sunday Stew Beltane Extra: An Excerpt from Raven Grimassi's Book

Tori Z
Beltane 2012
Story: Meagan's Beltaine

Anastasia Evans
A Family Beltane Ritual

Mrs. B
10 Simple Ways to Celebrate Beltane

Pagan by Design
Beltane Ritual ~ Sacred Union

Magaly Guerrero
Hot and Bothered for Beltane