DH and I did have a fight on Saturday, though.
He's gotten into this terrible habit of putting words in my mouth when it comes to TTC, the most hurtful one being "That bitch!" whenever I mention someone is pregnant or just had a baby or something. It's especially hurtful because, while the Green Monster pokes her head out when I hear this news, I NEVER think "That bitch!"
So we had a gigantic fight about it. He didn't see an issue, didn't understand why I was angry, wanted me to just chill out and not be jealous of others' baby-makin' prowess. Much easier said than done, as y'all know, and even worse when you don't feel like you're supported by your partner. It got to a point where I was like, does he even care about my feelings?
I felt all of Saturday like he didn't, and in some way, I was right. Not because he wanted not to care, but because he didn't understand why. He didn't get that the emotions are borne not only from the heart, but from the brain and from hormones, so while I really want to keep my emotions in check, I physically, emotionally, and otherwise can't.
He apologized, but I admit, I was still pissed. I thankfully spent 8 hours the next day away from him (at a friend's baby shower, which actually went well!), and that helped tremendously.
A friend E and I were talking about this yesterday, and she put it in a way (which she used on her own husband, haha) that made sense from a scientific standpoint, and I was like, oh! He'll get that! So I wrote DH a pretty long email with exactly why I felt the way I did, the biological reasons for it, and that I wasn't using it as an excuse, but letting him know that I want as much control over my emotions as he does, if not more, and I can't do that. It's beyond me., literally
That helped, I think. We'll see how it goes. It helps that I am feeling better about finding out that his cousin is pregnant -- it still stings once in a while, especially when I count back and discover they had only tried for one, maybe two cycles. But I'm feeling better overall. Mostly because I'm pushing it out of my mind.
As much as I want to have the time to process this and other similar news, I do have to get DH to understand that I simply need that time to myself: To process, digest, and move on from news that is so devastating only because I want it so badly myself, and one year is creeping up much faster than I thought it would.
We'll see. For now, I'm hopeful.
"Processing......... Complete! :) I love you, too, baby."
I can totally sympathize! Like you, I want to be happy for people around me having babies. I want to congratulate them and help them celebrate the fact a new life is coming in to the world. But it's hard, especially if they haven't been trying long (or at all) or weren't even together when we started trying, etc. I'm trying to be happy for them, but something inside me wants to rant and rave and cry about how unfair it is that they have the thing I want most in the world!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like while they try to sympathize, it's impossible for them to understand the TTC journey from our point of view. That it's not 'that bitch' that pops into our head when these situations come up, it's more 'why them and not me'. I don't think they truly understand how invested we get every month and how devastating it is when AF arrives. I mean it's our body, so how can we truly remove our thoughts and emotions from the process.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, I know it is frustrating <3
Sorry to hear you and your hubby had a fight. I definitely don't think "that bitch" I'm more sad and wonder when it will be our turn(WILL it be our turn) and get sad. I completely agree with what Alicia said. You get SO invested every month(temping, OPKs, timed sex etc etc etc) doing EVERYTHING right and it's like"what are THEY doing that I'm not doing?" so when AF arrives it's so upsetting, it makes me numb now.
ReplyDeleteI hope he's understanding a bit more. Has he said if those are his feelings he's projecting as yours to make him feel better about thinking that? I'm sure it's difficult for him too. *hugs*
Two of my closest friends got pregnant. One on the first month of trying. One totally unplanned. I have a friend who gets pregnant if you say the word "penis" to her. She tells me I just need to "relax" and "enjoy sex". I'm jealous, I guess. There is also someone at work who got pregnant after several punishing rounds of IVF and I guess I'm jealous of her but also afraid her past is my future.
ReplyDeleteIf my partner started the same argument as yours did, I would have killed him and made it look like an accident.
Exactly! I hate that I compare our situation(s) to those around me(/us), but it's difficult not to. Especially when the journey has been so long and so damn emotional already. BAH.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing, anyway? With this whole journey, I mean. Any news from your doctor(s)? <3
No, no news. I'm a bit p*$$ed about it, actually. It was meant to be an emergency referal, which means no more than 6 weeks... Monday just gone was 6 weeks since I went to A&E! OK, so I'm having an easier time at this exact moment than I was before I went in (I think the iron boost helped) but that's totally not the point... They don't know that, after all!
ReplyDelete