Namaste and Agape

Well! It's been a minute, hasn't it?

Since we left off almost two years ago, my son has become a rising second grader (talk about time flying!), I started a new job, my son was diagnosed with ADHD (a post in itself!), I made it halfway through my graduate coursework, and we've encountered too many unprecedented times in our lives than we wanted to take on, the most recent being the COVID-19 pandemic.

Of all the things that have changed our lives, be it for better or for worse, COVID is the thing that has affected everyone, regardless of their age, gender, race, ethnicity, orientation, or any other aspect that sets us apart from each other. The pandemic has shown us that, above all other things, we're human first. And concurrent BLM protests have shown that despite this fact, we still have a long way to go (another post in itself!).

It's drastically changed how we go about our day-to-day: many, like myself, have been working from home since mid-March when things really started ramping up. Still more of us finished out our children's school from home and anticipate at least starting next year in a similar way. And if you thought there'd be a daily routine to go along this new normal, ha... have I got news for you!

One thing that, at least for me, has changed for the better is the ability to take online yoga classes with my favorite yogi and spiritual guide of all time, Jessie Kates of SHIFT Yoga. (And before I go any further, since her classes are online, that means you can take them, too, so... you know, GO DO THAT. I'll see you on the mat!) Jessie's classes are like nothing I've ever experienced before: she's raw and authentic, takes the time spent flowing to explore the crevices of your conscious and subconscious, focuses on juiciness and melting into poses and really honoring your body for the incredible things it can do.

Her classes are like movement therapy for me. Flowing with her has taught me to be more open and forgiving, more willing to try new things, and probably most importantly, more able to work through difficult feelings and emotions as sweat falls from my forehead to the mat below. Monday night was definitely one of those nights; the class wasn't intense from a sweat standpoint--Yin is known for getting into the tissues rather than focusing on muscle--but it managed to dig pretty deep.

Jessie's honesty about her own life can prove inspirational even when you don't think yours is in a rut. That night, she shared she was going through some really difficult times without giving specifics, just enough to show that digging into neglected areas of our bodies was just as much for her as it was for us. I was lying on my mat, kind of struggling to get settled since my SI joint is still acting up (yet another post for another day), listening to her words ripple over me like river water over smooth stones, when I realized...

I love Jessie.

I mean, I care about her, of course, and I've missed the hell out of her, but it goes far deeper than that. Hearing her talk about her struggles with the pandemic, with life as we know it now, with her family and their own difficult time managing this new reality, my heart started to ache, that familiar ache you get when someone vital in your life bares their soul to you, completely unencumbered and shamelessly.

But I've yet to tell her. In fact, lying on that mat, my eyes slowly opened as the realization dawned on me: I haven't told a lot of my friends that I love them, even though I truly do. Why hold back on something like that, something so breathtaking and heartwarming and truly authentic as love?

Ancient Greeks (and maybe current Greeks, I'm not sure... it's all Greek to me... /terriblepun) had at least six words to describe love: Eros, or sexual passion; Philia, or deep friendship; Ludus, or playful love; Pragma, or longstanding love; Philautia, or self-love; and Agape, or selfless love. Some of these, like eros or ludus, are easier to come by. Others, like philautia or pragma, take some personal work and deeper introspection.

Being separated from people has taught me how much love I have in my life on a daily basis, not just from my partner or my son--and this quarantine has taught me how much of that love I've missed out on when we're at work or school, so I'm grateful for these times and for that love!--but from the family cultivated over the weeks and years I've known people. It's also shown me just how much of that selfless love there is to go around.

It's hard to see that when you're forced apart from people or when you see the turmoil going on around the world. But if it weren't for this circumstance, who knows when I would have "seen" Jessie next and feel that philia all over again. Who knew we'd be sharing agape by offering to grocery shop for the elderly or donning masks whenever we leave our homes or taking to the streets to protest police brutality. Those are all acts of love.

If anything, this has all taught me how to appreciate the love I have in my life and the myriad ways it presents itself... and it's shown me how important it is to tell those in my life that I love them. It's such a painful, visceral ache felt in the pit of my stomach to miss out on that love. I can't even imagine if I could never feel it again.

So it's time to tell Jessie that I love her. It's time to tell all my friends I love them. And it's time to make that a normal, everyday thing: to express and embody a feeling so warm, so enveloping, so capable of lifting great loads off shoulders and soothe broken hearts, even if only temporarily, before it's too late.

Why I will not abandon the United States... and why you shouldn't, either. (Even if you really fucking want to!)

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I am fortunate to have so many wonderful friends around the world, some of whom I've never met in real life. They are in places like Australia, Germany, Sweden, Canada, South Africa... literally scattered across different continents, each as beautiful as the next.

At one point or another during the presidential primaries, they have all offered me and my son safe haven where they are, with no time limit and with every intention to make us staying there a permanent thing.

On Tuesday, the United States made history by electing a man entirely unfit to run for any political (or other) office, much less the presidency. We did a complete about-face from President Obama by electing someone so heinous, so unbelievably crass, so lacking moral fiber... but white. And male, I may add, considering his running mate was white, too. The racism and misogyny from this election is almost impossible to comprehend... how could we do this.

My friends have reached out again to offer the same safe haven, this time with a sense of urgency for what America had done to itself. I've joked about (and... erm, researched) seeking asylum in another country several times during this election season, especially when Trump won the Republican primary. I knew he would get it, and knowing how zealously marginalized white men (and some other individuals!) have felt with a black president in office, I knew Trump would be our president-elect.

That same night, Canada's immigration site crashed as like-minded Americans sought to get the fuck out of what they never signed up for in the first place. I've done the same, and when my friends have reached out saying they have space for me and Tycho, no doubt... I considered it. I'm still considering it.

You know what, though? I can't leave.

Not because I physically or logistically or even eligibly can't. I can, and I have ample opportunity, as well as some fantastic people willing to help me and my son create a new homeland and start a new life.

But this election is now so much bigger than me and what I want to do. It's turned instead into what I, and others on the same side, need to do to protect our women, our LGBTQ+, our Muslims, our disabled, our blacks, our immigrants, our people. Our Americans who, because of their minority status, will be treated like second-class citizens by at least half the country and, equally horrifying, their leadership.

Even if their policies never materialize, both the rhetoric from the primaries and how Trump emboldened a group of people to outwardly express their hatred for minority groups have already done their damage. In fact, that is probably the more dangerous part than any policy Trump could ever dream up or attempt to implement: outright bigotry is now normalized.

But it's not too late. Now is our time to work towards reversing that damage.

Republicans (or conservatives) against Trump, I know this will be reminiscent of watching your best friend completely blow it on the dance floor (that is, awkwarrrrd)... but you're in a particularly excellent place to change the establishment from the inside out. I implore you to become active in and even employed by your local, state, and federal government to directly change rule of law that will come from your own party or wing.

Democrats (or liberals, or progressives -- holla!) need to hold Trump accountable to the law, to the Constitution, and to the truth. The real truth, not Trump's warped, narcissistic, self-serving version of that truth. Write in to and call your government officials at all levels, assemble grassroots efforts to protect those who need it most, and make your voices LOUD and CLEAR. You make up half this country, and your voice will help those who cannot speak for themselves.

And everyone: We have the power of dissent, we have the power to be advocates. A group of Americans are already using that power to protest the election in several major metropolitan areas across the United States, and even if this inevitable inauguration happens, the fire needs to keep burning.

It will be a long, busy, exhausting four years, and they will almost absolutely bring some awful policies, broken families, personal struggle... but if we all work together, we will do our part to ensure we don't free-fall into the worst situation fathomable.

America: I love you. I truly do. I love every last one of your citizens, for all their flaws and convictions. And despite wanting so badly to leave as the writing on the wall surrounds us... I stand with you, and I will stand for all your citizens.

Plan. Mobilize. Listen. Empathize. Stand up. Be heard. Work fast. Care for yourself.

And don't leave... FIGHT.

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When "unforgettable" is the least I could say.

"Remember my 30 Before 30 list, and how one thing on there was that I wanted to become an editor? Well... I was recently afforded the opportunity to do just that."

My words dropped like bombs around Awesome Attorney Boss, creating such commotion that the room was left eerily silent for the following few moments. Then, apparently having snapped out of it, he responded: "... oh...!"

I knew that wasn't the news he was expecting. Hell, as I said it, I swear someone else was moving my lips, that a disembodied voice not my own just delivered my two weeks' notice.

The time passed all too suddenly, and before I knew it, today has come... my last day working at Pandora.

I write that out with bittersweet emotion and searing hot tears welling up in my eyes. That same force that gave my notice ten days ago now moves my fingers for this post, further deepening the rift between my brain (which knows and understands what I did and what I said) and my heart (which harbors such astounding regret that it rivals my excitement for the future).

I told my husband tonight that I never thought I'd feel this way about taking a step towards my dream. Doubt flooded my mind the moment I sent my new employer my signed acceptance letter: What if I hate it? What if, after all the time spent in the legal field -- and getting pretty damn good at it -- I end up feeling nothing but remorse?

It's pretty scary to, dare I say, come to love what you do, who you work for, and where you are, only to leave it in pursuit of something you've been wanting your entire life, not knowing whether you've made the right choice. I've wanted to be an editor since I first put pen to paper, and everything I did through college was with that goal in the forefront.

Then, you know... life goes on. Your dreams become wishful thinking, there are bills to pay, and soon you find yourself re-enrolling in school not because you want to, but because you have to.

Shortly after receiving my bachelor's degree in Creative Writing, I was pushed by necessity to go back and get something "reasonable". I graduated shortly afterward with my Legal Studies associate's, and I've worked in the legal field ever since. While it's certainly had its moments, I've learned to really enjoy the practice of law (and, perhaps more importantly, being behind the scenes through it all).

I didn't discover love for it, though, until I started at Pandora. Talk about an opportunity! The corporate world for legal assistants is literally the crème de la crème, the type of job lusted over by anyone in my position. And to top it all off, of all the attorneys for whom I've ever worked, this one... well, he quickly earned and kept my pet nickname throughout social media as "Awesome Attorney Boss".

I was in heaven.

Of course, the job wasn't all sunshine and roses, but I'd come to find happiness and fun in practically every task thrown my way, even if a life raft would have proven helpful where my experience was lacking (and believe me, there was a lot of laughter -- by me, at myself -- when I threatened to drown). I learned an incredible amount, becoming at least adept at some things and an expert at others, and I found sincere joy in helping my boss and my coworkers with anything they needed.

So the decision to leave, after 3.5 years of time spent creating lasting bonds both professional and personal, was... simply put, not at all easy. I quite literally shook in my boots and floundered for over an hour before finally mustering up the courage to resign.

And when today came, when I would start my morning a Pandora employee and walk out with my badge deactivated, after having been the guest of honor at an incredibly moving and joyous farewell celebration with some of my closest friends at Pandora (seriously, I have -- yes, have, and I will never lose that! -- the best work family ever)... you bet your ass I cried. Maybe more than twice.

... probably again in the car.

... and possibly even now, all over again.

Tuesday starts a brand new career, and while I know it will fulfill me in ways I never knew were possible, I know that the experiences I had with my Pandora family were incredibly special and unique, and that they will follow me for the rest of my life. For that, I could never come up with the words appropriate to express just how grateful, honored, and truly blessed I was (and am!) to have had the opportunity.

So thank you, Awesome Attorney Boss, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, my PALS and partners in crime. And finally, thank you to everyone else who truly made Pandora... unforgettable.

Anahata, realizing some people are assholes, and surrounding yourself with good.

One thing we've been focusing on lately in yoga is opening up the heart chakra. Sounds like a bunch of crunchy granola esoteric shit, I know... and that's because it kind of is. :) But bear with me for a bit.

The fourth primary chakra, Anahata (Sanskrit: अनाहत) or the "heart" chakra, is associated with the ability to make decisions outside the realm of karma. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase "follow your heart", which encourages someone to make decisions not based on unfulfilled emotions, but on one's higher self.

We've been doing poses this month to open up this chakra if desired, notably Camel (Ushtransana), Cobra (Bhujangasana), and a "flying" kundalini yoga exercise where arms are raised to a T and the heart pushes forward as the arms go back. During the practice, we're also asked to consider:

• ♥ What emotional memories do I need to heal?
• ♥ What relationships, current or past, require healing?
• ♥ Are my emotional wounds taking over, causing me to try and control people or situations around me?
• ♥ Do I allow the wounds of others to control me? How do I let it happen?
• ♥ What do I need to forgive myself for? Who needs forgiving from me?

These poses have been done in conjunction with the Loving Kindness meditation, which I went over previously. (Ignore the broken images... trying to fix that!)

What's especially difficult about these poses is not the actual muscle it takes, as sometimes it doesn't take much at all, but that your heart is completely exposed and leaves you open to feeling something you may just not want to feel at the time. It's very hard to open up like that, especially if your heart is scarred from being hurt by others, betrayal, or other negativity that you hold within yourself. Your heart becomes hardened to the world and against allowing others (and yourself!) in, and it can be very scary to try to break down those walls, as doing so may open you up to more isolation and pain.

I've noticed in my own life is that I can be a rather open person to most people. I invite others in willingly, extend my heart out, and generally try to be as friendly and effervescent as possible. Sure, I get hurt here and there, but in the grand scheme, leaving my heart open to new people is generally a positive experience.

But if there's anything I've been struggling with recently, it's learning to let go of those moments where people bring their negativity to a relationship... notably where those two people have never actually met. Even more, learning not to take it personally when harm is done, as why would you take to heart something said by some internet personality! It's especially difficult when they make themselves a martyr to your social networking circles.

I came across an article recently about why people are such assholes on the internet. (I love, by the way, that the title is flanked by the amount of time it takes to read. Just 8 minutes!) One notable point made was that we become intellectually lazy on social media, choosing not to view the person as an individual but to make assumptions and lump them into stereotypes of groups with which we disagree if they say something we don't like.

That, and there's the power of the reputation within a social group, also discussed in the article. There's the desire to be accepted and lauded by your peers, even to someone's detriment, if there are people picking apart every word you say, and the chances of being more defensive about a position skyrocket as a result. I see it all the time on Facebook and, more rarely but just as deeply, on personal blogs.

Have I been subject to this? Absolutely! As a blogger and admittedly fervent Facebook user, I'm often at least witness to these types of things, and once in a rare occasion, I'm actually a part of the drama. I can name a few off the top of my head, and I'll be straightforward in saying they are often the subject of my Loving Kindness meditation for the "difficult" person.

They're typically people, though, that I've never met in real life, and for people I don't actually know outside the persona they've made in their social networks, I certainly allow them to take up a lot of headspace. More, I'd say, than I do people I know in person.

It's definitely something I need to learn to let go, especially since they're probably not paying me the same mind, you know? And if they are, they're likely tormenting themselves as well with this "clogging up" of headspace that could be taken up by better, more productive things.

So in practicing these heart-opening poses and meditations, I'm trying to learn to simply... let go. It's incredibly difficult, and it opens yourself to possibly more hurt, but in the long run, it's a positive experience that will lead to more fulfilling relationships and experiences. Take a little hurt now, live a better life after.

I'm also learning to, quite frankly, not give a fuck. :) That headspace could be much better utilized, so why focus on those things that likely have no effect on anyone else and give a fuck about yourself and those who actually matter first! How do I go about doing this?

1. Know your values. Determine what's important, what isn't, and what you're ultimately aiming to get out of life. Once you know what those all are, what other people think of you becomes significantly less important, and you can have something you truly value: Something to believe in. Get your values straight, get your shit straight.

2. Put yourself out there! I already do this by Facebook, blogging, and even in real life social circles, but the bigger dare is to be honest with yourself and what you share. Don't censor yourself simply because someone may not like what you have to say (while also realizing that not every molehill is a mountain).

3. Surround yourself with pros. Not just people who are badass at what they do, but those who are a "pro" addition to your life rather than a "con". I'd say this one is of UTMOST importance, if only because it'll help you find happiness if you surround yourself with it. Find people who are self-assured and who live their lives without compromising their own core values, and you'll find that they quickly rub off on you!

4. Create a bucket list, and actually work to complete it. I actually have something similar, my 40 Before 40 list, to provide some inspiration. Add a couple things to it that will push you to your limits, too, don't just make it all whimsical! Your list should push you to reach new goals, realize what's important in your life, and challenge you to be your best.

5. Travel alone. If you're like me -- with a family, career, and other obligations -- this one may be on hold for a while, but it's something everyone should experience once in their lives. It'll force you into new social cultures, break some norms you didn't know existed, and ultimately force you out of your own little bubble. (And for me, at least... do it on a motorcycle! If only because it's badass!)

And, if you so choose, open your heart to new experiences and new people, knowing full well that you may be hurt once in a while... but that those positive relationships will stick with you for a lifetime.

Namaste. :)

Why I'm a Solitary Witch

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I’ve been Pagan in some shape or form for most of my life (which I can say now as I’m older than 26... yikes!). I’ve been to rituals hosted by individuals and by covens, events sponsored by various Pagan groups, and learning opportunities within the community. I’ve loved meeting new friends through these events, and am eagerly awaiting the moment when I have a few free evenings to spend with them again and things to which we can bring our son.

But for all these things I’ve participated in, I’ve never, ever been part of a coven.

I’ve considered it many times, even fantasized about it, especially when I’ve been welcomed to join a coven. How wonderful would it be to have a group of like-minded individuals, celebrating the Sabbats and Esbats and rituals and life events! Not to mention what amount of knowledge I could gain from the other individuals, many of whom come from very different paths from my own and could teach me a wealth of information. They’d be my brothers and sisters on my path.

Honestly, though... it hasn’t worked out. And it’s never been them; it’s been me.

I’m not the kind of witch who does well within the constraints of a group, and notably within a coven. I have no formal creed, no specific deities, no branch of faith that binds me to others. Answering to a High Priest or High Priestess would be, in a way, too confining for my spirituality and personal growth as a Pagan.

I also wouldn’t want to be that person to lead a coven or other such group. Have I considered it? Absolutely! I’ve hosted a few rituals (and loved it!) and have had in-depth conversations with witches who have asked me to start a group, one they would willingly join and invite others to. It’s crossed my mind more than once.

I will happily join others in celebrating the turns of the seasons and the rites that honor ourselves and the gods. But I admit that I’m happily spoiled right now to my individual brand of spirituality, one that finds serenity in a walk illuminated by the light of the moon, finds myself in a circle cast alone and a candle lit for meditation. My relationship with Spirit is, as of right now, one of individuality.

Whether that be a result of circumstance – after all, it’s pretty difficult to be involved with a busy group when you’re raising a toddler! – or personal preference, I’m not sure. Maybe a bit of both. And will this change in the future, especially if I find or create a group that welcomes those who may not toe the coven’s line? If that’s where my path leads me, then it just may!

I’d love to find a group that welcomes open discourse, stimulating conversation, and discussion groups that sometimes fall way off topic (let’s face it, that stuff really happens), as well as insightful and inspiring ritual. And if it could remain drama-free, even better, though I’ve learned in my 15-odd years of Paganism and almost 30 years of life that asking that much is often times difficult. :)

For now, as I’ve yet to find that cohesive... something that is needed for my soul for a successful circle, I’ll remain a happy solitary. And will keep my heart open to the possibilities!

Ostara, Spring, and the International Day of Happiness

Blessed Ostara and happy first day of spring, everyone! Now if someone please inform these northern states that it's officially time for warm weather and to cancel the impending snow for next week, that'd be great.

... ahem. But I'm not going to focus on doom and gloom and the thought of more snow as it makes me fume. Instead, this is going to be a happy post! After all, today is the second annual International Day of Happiness, a day to bask in the glory not of economic prosperity or material gain, but of the little (and big!) things in life that make us happy, to measure our Gross Happiness Index (GHI) rather than our GDP.

Here's an incredibly short list of things that make me happy. What brings joy to your life? Feel free to share in the comments! ♥

The smell of freshly-cut grass.

That "Goldilocks" day, where everything is just right.

Changing into yoga pants after a long day at the office.

(These are actual pants! For work AND yoga!!)

And ditching that bra, too.

This baby.

And of course, this baby.

Margaritas with the neighbors.

When someone tells you, "You make a great mom."

The sound of (or, really, anything to do with) the ocean.

Letting the water rain over you in the shower. (So refreshing!)

Watching an old couple getting all lovey and thinking, "I want to be just like them."

When the butter melts perfectly on your toast.

Snoozing the alarm so you can snuggle with your husband for another 10 minutes.

Going barefoot after a long winter.

And all these people. ♥

Rumor is, Facebook is now making fan pages (including blogs like The Mocking Mommy) PAY A FEE if we want our fans to read what we post. I ain't payin' no money, no matter how much I love y'all. So if you want to stay current on everything I post, please subscribe to this blog via Bloglovin', Google Friend Connect, or by email. Thank you!! ♥

Photographer love: Megan Evans Photography

Can I just express my undying love for my neighbor, who is not only raising the two sweetest girls on the planet, but who is also an incredibly talented photographer? I just need to share these with you, they're far too amazing not to! They're all candid shots, nothing posed or staged or anything, so you should see her work when she's really in action. ♥

Pimpage: ||Megan Evans Photography||

Love her stuff? Check Megan out on Facebook, Instagram, and on her blog!


Rumor is, Facebook is now making fan pages (including blogs like The Mocking Mommy) PAY A FEE if we want our fans to read what we post. I ain't payin' no money, no matter how much I love y'all. So if you want to stay current on everything I post, please subscribe to this blog via Bloglovin', Google Friend Connect, or by email. Thank you!! ♥