When you can't stop trash-talking your ex, or "How to Really Fuck Up Your Kids"

A month or so ago, Tycho accused me of stealing pants from his dad's house. "You're taking all the pants and Daddy doesn't have any of my pants at his house!"

Now, the weather had been all over the place that month (yay "fall" in Maryland), but considering how few pairs of pants I had in his drawer, I knew what he was telling me wasn't necessarily the truth. But how do you explain that to a four-year-old?

Fortunately, Matt and I have a good enough relationship that we can talk about these kinds of things and sort them out. I told Tycho I was sorry he felt that way and that must have been confusing to hear, I'm sure he has enough pants, but let me text Daddy just in case. And that was that.

After a quick back-and-forth, including me telling him to "cut the shit" (yes, verbatim -- have I mentioned we have a good enough relationship?) with saying things like that, even by accident, the problem was solved.

And yes, he had enough pants.

I give this example not because I want to get that story off my chest (well, okay, a little... thanks for vindicating me, Internet!), but because it shows the importance of not trash-talking your ex. I could have just as easily retorted, "Daddy's lying, I didn't steal any pants!" or otherwise accused Matt of myriad things. In fact, in some ways, it would have been easier to give into the "fuck him!" mentality in front of my son than empathizing with him and saying we'd take care of it.

I know it's not that easy for others to just keep their lips zipped, even if opening their mouth is ultimately at the expense of their children's well being. It's sometimes difficult to stop the word vomit, especially if your ex pushes a particular button or, despite the passage of time, you're still not over the fact that the relationship is, well... over. You want to screw him over just one last time, get that final word in, to the nearest audience available... and that happens to be your kids.

Of course, the best advice would be "just be an adult." In case you needed reasons to do that, though, here are some ways trash-talking your ex can really fuck up your kids -- and your relationship with them -- in the long run:

• Sure, you'd probably love if your ex was never born (or suffered from cancer or a fatal car crash or something equally disgusting and disturbing what is wrong with you) so you wouldn't have to deal with their crap anymore. But the long and short of it is, and as much as you may not want to say it: Your children are half you and half your ex. Trash-talking the other parent ultimately means talking down about half of who your children are... and if you don't think they're internalizing that message, you're wrong.

• You're setting a really bad example for them. If you're constantly calling your ex names or regularly insulting them, your children will likely take after you. And would you want to be known as the parent with the foul-mouthed or condescending kid? Hating or fearing another parent doesn't come naturally; it's a learned behavior, and if your child is learning that from you, that makes you a pretty shit parent.

• You're legit abusing your child. You may think you're getting them on "your side" (whatever the hell that means), but ultimately, so long as there's no sufficient justification for it, denying visitation, trash-talking, and other forms of manipulation are all forms of child abuse. You're playing with their heads and, ultimately, their lives. Don't fucking do it.

• You could lose your child.* I can't stress this enough... if you're trash-talking your ex so frequently that you start to alienate your child from their other parent, or if you're doing anything else to accomplish the same goal, you could lose your child. Be smart, motherfucker. Perpetual shit-talk may be grounds for reducing your custody, and in extreme cases, may leave you with no custody. Do you really want to give up your child because you can't stop being petty?

* I am not a lawyer, BTW.

Okay, so you've resolved to do better, to be better. Still feeling that vomit rising in your throat? Here are some alternatives that won't have you hugging a toilet:

• Just don't talk about your ex in front of the kids! You have friends or family, I assume, right? Fellow adults in your life? Bitch to them about your ex. Sure, they may get tired of it after a while, but at least they won't go through the emotional turmoil your children undoubtedly would.

• Related: Don't talk to others about your ex when your children are home. Ever say a cuss word when you thought you were out of your kids' earshot, only to have them repeat it days (or seconds...) later? While they may have a hard time hearing when you ask them to pick up their toys, children tune in when you least expect (and want) it. Tell others not to talk about your ex when your kids are with you, too.

• Related x2: Talk to a neutral third party. Divorce sucks, even if you really want it and you're happier in the end. When you have kids with your ex, divorce sucks that much more because you can't just ignore them into nonexistence. Consider getting yourself (and maybe your children, too) a therapist to vent to and help you come to terms with the trials of divorce and its effect on children.

• Validate your child's feelings. This goes for when they challenge you by bringing shit from your ex into your home, too. Be positive about the time they spend with their other parent. You don't need to put them on a pedestal or even say anything nice about them. Too difficult? Focus on the activities they did ("Oh, it sounds like the park was fun!").

• Support their contact with their other parent. Just because they want to talk to Daddy on the phone doesn't mean they love you less. Chances are, they miss YOU when they're with Daddy, too. Don't punish them for wanting contact with their other parent; instead, encourage it by dialing their number and giving your kid the phone. Then go to another room, across the house, and punch a pillow or something, idk.

• Remind your children that the divorce was NOT their fault. I'm not a child of divorce, but my son is, and I often reassure him that Mommy and Daddy love and care for him very much and that we are better parents for him when we're apart. If you're trash-talking your ex, they're going to believe they were part of the problem and even carry that shit into their adult lives. Imagine telling your kids that their other parent is a "liar," only for those kids to grow up believing they may be liars, too, or that the other parent never told them a truthful thing in their entire lives? Or if you slip and call your child a "liar"...

• If you ever find it in your heart to do this -- or, simply, if you want to exercise some empathy -- do the exact opposite of trash talk. Not only will you kill your ex with kindness (and that would drive them crazy!), but it's a message your kids CAN internalize. After all, you purportedly loved your ex at some point, or you wouldn't have made such a beautiful child together. Tell them the positive qualities they inherited from your ex: Their creative eye, their compassion, their soccer skills, even their left-handedness. Even if it's simple, it humanizes your ex, and your kids hear the compliments just as, if not more, readily than the positive message that their other half is important, too.

This April, both Matt and I will be celebrating our son's fifth birthday together, in the same room, with no fighting or anything. Can you even imagine?! Not only is there no drama, but our son sees two parents who, despite any reason why they divorced, love him unconditionally and are willing to put aside their own shit for his best interest.

Yes, this may take time to accomplish, but while you're waiting for the magical day when you can be within a few feet of your ex without stabbing their eyeballs out of their skull, you can at least quit the shit. For your kids' sake.

Mommy, Tycho, and Daddy on Tycho's Third Birthday
<3 Divorced parents coming together for their son <3

Samhain, death and rebirth, and our relationship

In early August 2009, Matt asked for my hand in marriage.

In late August this year, I asked him for a divorce.

Halloween 2010 marked our wedding, a joyous occasion celebrated with loving family and friends.

This year, Halloween is marked by a prominent realty sign and opening our doors to potential new homeowners.

And the world, it keeps on turning...

via

The cycle of birth, growth, death, and renewal plays over and over again through natural systems and human lives. Embracing these cycles is difficult; it begs the acceptance of things coming to their ends, naturally or otherwise, and forces us to consider what may come as we are reborn. Regardless of our desire for things to remain the same, they are in constant flux and will continue to change.

Tomorrow is Samhain, and as the growing period ends and death lingers in the air, I can’t help but consider these cycles and the inevitable, sometimes painful evolutions that come with each revolution. In our lives, we experience death in so many ways: Loved ones passing, losing jobs or homes, a person changing in ways you never expected.

This year, we experience the death of our marriage.

The allegorical roller coaster we rode through the majority of our relationship finally stopped when I asked for a divorce. Realistically, I endured it for far too long, and I determined I was done riding. I mean, I don’t like roller coasters, anyway; why was I forcing myself, and why make someone ride along with me?

While incredibly sad in so many ways (and some days, I still mourn the eroded foundation that led to this inevitability), in the time following my request, Matt and I have discovered what we first had and what we ended up losing along the way: Our friendship. We have returned to our bantering, our genuine care and love for each other, and our common goals. And now, we have a piece of each of our hearts that walks outside our bodies, a beautiful little boy who forever binds us.

The world around us is dying, leaves are falling, the ground is cold and unyielding, and our wedding vows follow the same path. But in this death, we’ve rediscovered each other.

I don’t regret getting or being married; saying I do would deny the importance of everything I’ve either gained along the way, not the least of which is our son, or my decision to take full responsibility for my own happiness. Nor did Matt or I fail at anything, just decided to get off the roller coaster once and for all and explore the rest of the park instead. We started our relationship as best friends, and as we end our marriage, we return full circle to that very sentiment.

When I reflect on our 10 years together and five since our wedding, the really shitty parts are of course seared into memory, but I have to remember what amazing good came of it, too. To put that aside to focus only on the shit blatantly rejects that which tied us together in the first place, and the tie to which we return.

So, our dear friends and family: Mourn the loss, provide your support, maybe even offer us a hug. We would surely appreciate that! But as the year continues and the earth springs back to life, know that we’re seeing our relationship the same way.

In the end, and as we embark on our new journeys at the turn of this wheel of the year... I’m so, so happy to have my best friend back.

When "unforgettable" is the least I could say.

"Remember my 30 Before 30 list, and how one thing on there was that I wanted to become an editor? Well... I was recently afforded the opportunity to do just that."

My words dropped like bombs around Awesome Attorney Boss, creating such commotion that the room was left eerily silent for the following few moments. Then, apparently having snapped out of it, he responded: "... oh...!"

I knew that wasn't the news he was expecting. Hell, as I said it, I swear someone else was moving my lips, that a disembodied voice not my own just delivered my two weeks' notice.

The time passed all too suddenly, and before I knew it, today has come... my last day working at Pandora.

I write that out with bittersweet emotion and searing hot tears welling up in my eyes. That same force that gave my notice ten days ago now moves my fingers for this post, further deepening the rift between my brain (which knows and understands what I did and what I said) and my heart (which harbors such astounding regret that it rivals my excitement for the future).

I told my husband tonight that I never thought I'd feel this way about taking a step towards my dream. Doubt flooded my mind the moment I sent my new employer my signed acceptance letter: What if I hate it? What if, after all the time spent in the legal field -- and getting pretty damn good at it -- I end up feeling nothing but remorse?

It's pretty scary to, dare I say, come to love what you do, who you work for, and where you are, only to leave it in pursuit of something you've been wanting your entire life, not knowing whether you've made the right choice. I've wanted to be an editor since I first put pen to paper, and everything I did through college was with that goal in the forefront.

Then, you know... life goes on. Your dreams become wishful thinking, there are bills to pay, and soon you find yourself re-enrolling in school not because you want to, but because you have to.

Shortly after receiving my bachelor's degree in Creative Writing, I was pushed by necessity to go back and get something "reasonable". I graduated shortly afterward with my Legal Studies associate's, and I've worked in the legal field ever since. While it's certainly had its moments, I've learned to really enjoy the practice of law (and, perhaps more importantly, being behind the scenes through it all).

I didn't discover love for it, though, until I started at Pandora. Talk about an opportunity! The corporate world for legal assistants is literally the crème de la crème, the type of job lusted over by anyone in my position. And to top it all off, of all the attorneys for whom I've ever worked, this one... well, he quickly earned and kept my pet nickname throughout social media as "Awesome Attorney Boss".

I was in heaven.

Of course, the job wasn't all sunshine and roses, but I'd come to find happiness and fun in practically every task thrown my way, even if a life raft would have proven helpful where my experience was lacking (and believe me, there was a lot of laughter -- by me, at myself -- when I threatened to drown). I learned an incredible amount, becoming at least adept at some things and an expert at others, and I found sincere joy in helping my boss and my coworkers with anything they needed.

So the decision to leave, after 3.5 years of time spent creating lasting bonds both professional and personal, was... simply put, not at all easy. I quite literally shook in my boots and floundered for over an hour before finally mustering up the courage to resign.

And when today came, when I would start my morning a Pandora employee and walk out with my badge deactivated, after having been the guest of honor at an incredibly moving and joyous farewell celebration with some of my closest friends at Pandora (seriously, I have -- yes, have, and I will never lose that! -- the best work family ever)... you bet your ass I cried. Maybe more than twice.

... probably again in the car.

... and possibly even now, all over again.

Tuesday starts a brand new career, and while I know it will fulfill me in ways I never knew were possible, I know that the experiences I had with my Pandora family were incredibly special and unique, and that they will follow me for the rest of my life. For that, I could never come up with the words appropriate to express just how grateful, honored, and truly blessed I was (and am!) to have had the opportunity.

So thank you, Awesome Attorney Boss, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, my PALS and partners in crime. And finally, thank you to everyone else who truly made Pandora... unforgettable.

It's my sister's birthday today! 29 things I love about my sister...

Having a sister is pretty awesome: You have a built-in best friend (and sometimes enemy -- hey, comes with the territory), and that friendship often lasts for life. I've had the pleasure of being Michele's big sister for 29 years, and in celebration of her birthday, I'd like to list 29 things I love about her and about being her sister.

I know, right? Somehow I managed to find 29 things. ;)

29 Reasons Why I Love Michele:

1. Because she may be younger than me, but with at least 3" on me, she's always been my "big" sister.

2. Because she's adorable when she's not even trying.

3. Because she's even more adorable when she is. ;)

4. Because she makes an amazing auntie. (Seriously, Tycho adores her.)

5. Because she's always there for me when times are tough.

6. Even better, because she's there for me when times are awesome!

7. Because we have photos like this... LOL

8. And like this...

9. Oh yeah, and this.

10. Because, though she tries to hide it, she has a huge heart.

11. Because she calls me "seeeeeeestur" and it's not even the least bit annoying.

12. Because she says things like "NARF!" (Seriously, where the eff did that come from?!)

13. Because she claims to not be girly, but girl knows more about makeup than my ass ever will.

14. Because she's taught my ass pretty much all the makeup tips I know.

15. Because she drives like a Floridian and gives me great practice at backseat brake-slamming.

16. Because she works incredibly hard at everything she does.

17. Because she has MAGIC HANDS when it comes to massage. MAGIC.

18. Because she's incredibly talented, even if she's modest about it.

19. Because she unapologetically loves her country.

20. Because she has taught me patience. Lots and lots of patience.

21. Because she has found happiness in independence.

22. Because she's always honest about her opinions. Again, unapologetically.

23. Because she is just SO EXCITED to be on the phone with me (and I think that's the sweetest thing ever).

24. Because she has tons of friends, and you know someone with tons of friends has tons of love to give out.

25. Because she boosts my confidence.

26. Because she becomes better (and better looking) every year.

27. Because she is encouraging.

28. Because she is HER.

29. Just... because.

Love you, seeeeestur. :) ♥

Father's Day celebrations and my love for Tula

For Father's Day last weekend, at Matt's request, we went to Harper's Ferry for a short hike and to explore the town. We had a lot of fun, and even though we didn't take the actual hiking trail (I mean, that shit was FOUR MILES, we would have died! #outofshape), we really enjoyed the old shops and the historical train station.

While there, I got to try out my new babycarrying love: A standard Tula. I had heard about them from other babywearing mamas, but I've stuck with my Beco Gemini for as long as I possibly could have. Tycho was quickly outgrowing it, though -- it really is suited for smaller babies -- so I had to buck up and get another, larger carrier.

Thankfully, just as I was on the serious hunt for one, Tula came out with a foxes print! They're only available in Europe (and if they ever come out in the US, I'm going to kick myself), so I paid the extra expense for shipping and received my very first Tula a week later.

And let me tell you, people... there's a reason why it's called Tula Love. Because LOVE. It's supportive, lightweight, easy on the back and hips, and generally made Tycho feel weightless... and considering his recent growth spurt, this kid ain't a lightweight anymore. It hugged his body perfectly, helped him feel super comfortable, and didn't bother him in the slightest even considering he was carried in it for at least two hours. I'd say it was a win all around.

Overall, we had a fantastic time, and I enjoyed breaking in our new carrier. We'll have to head out there again when we're not so terribly #outofshape. ;)

Handsome hubby and darling son. :)

Please note the post-baby pudge, which is still there over a year later. YAY.

#datass

Family photo! ♥

Our "little" boy ain't so little anymore!

Nenes at the train station. :)

To My Son, on His First Birthday.

Photo cred: ||Megan Evans Photography||

To my *incredible* son:

This week, you started standing on your own. Daddy and I couldn't believe our eyes when, confidently and without hesitation, you lifted your hands from your walker and stood upright for those few seconds. We couldn't speak -- I could hardly breathe! We were literally stunned speechless, just so proud of you for what you just accomplished.

Then you did it again, and again and again, to several rounds of applause and, after we managed to catch our breath, words of encouragement: "Go Tycho!" You gave us this grin that says I know I did something cool, watch me do it again!

You are seriously growing up so fast. In these past few months alone, you've learned how to properly crawl, pulled yourself up to standing, babbled like you were actually talking, referred to us as "mama" and "dada", pointed to things you wanted to inspect more closely, eaten pretty much anything offered to you (your favorites are steamed broccoli and olives, and you're still not a fan of avocados), and learned to use a walker to, you know... walk.

Today, you are one year old. A whole year of having you in our lives! Of getting to know you, being your mommy and your daddy. Of loving you, wholly and completely.

At times, especially during the hard times, it felt like the longest journey ever. We didn't know if they would ever end. But when we think back to this past year, we also see how fast it went. It feels like a blink of an eye, and suddenly... you're not our baby anymore.

This first year with you, my sweet baby Boog, has surprised me in more ways than I can possibly count. I honestly didn't know love or pride until you came into our lives. Sure, I still love your daddy immensely, but this... this is different! You completely blindsighted me, captivated me, rocked my world, shook my heart to its very core.

It's a love I can never describe, but I'm sure every mama knows that feeling.

This first year? It's been a hell of an adventure! I'm a little sad to put it behind us, but when I think of how much growing you have left to do, how many other adventures you have left to go on, I feel nothing but excitement and joy, and I am so thankful that we get to experience and foster these adventures with you.

I love you with all my heart, my mama's boy, my little love, my sweet Boog.

And I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

Happiest of first birthdays!! ♥

Love, Mommy and Daddy

These pictures. These are why I blog. These are why I'm the Mocking Mommy.

We recently signed up for an Ident-A-KID ID, where they get basic information on your child and submit it to a national registry while providing you with a physical and electronic ID. I can't wait to carry this around in my wallet... wonder if anyone would even recognize this kid! Drunk and disorderly:

I cannot stop laughing at my son's expense. OMG.

After I got this, I decided to check out his other mishaps... erm, I mean, photos that we've taken throughout his first (almost!) year of life and share the funny with you. These are in no particular order -- they're not dated, and they're all equally hilarious.

I hope you get a few giggles, too. :)

And the parents that raise this adorable monstrosity of a boy:

Now y'all see where he gets it from. ;)

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