Namaste and Agape

Well! It's been a minute, hasn't it?

Since we left off almost two years ago, my son has become a rising second grader (talk about time flying!), I started a new job, my son was diagnosed with ADHD (a post in itself!), I made it halfway through my graduate coursework, and we've encountered too many unprecedented times in our lives than we wanted to take on, the most recent being the COVID-19 pandemic.

Of all the things that have changed our lives, be it for better or for worse, COVID is the thing that has affected everyone, regardless of their age, gender, race, ethnicity, orientation, or any other aspect that sets us apart from each other. The pandemic has shown us that, above all other things, we're human first. And concurrent BLM protests have shown that despite this fact, we still have a long way to go (another post in itself!).

It's drastically changed how we go about our day-to-day: many, like myself, have been working from home since mid-March when things really started ramping up. Still more of us finished out our children's school from home and anticipate at least starting next year in a similar way. And if you thought there'd be a daily routine to go along this new normal, ha... have I got news for you!

One thing that, at least for me, has changed for the better is the ability to take online yoga classes with my favorite yogi and spiritual guide of all time, Jessie Kates of SHIFT Yoga. (And before I go any further, since her classes are online, that means you can take them, too, so... you know, GO DO THAT. I'll see you on the mat!) Jessie's classes are like nothing I've ever experienced before: she's raw and authentic, takes the time spent flowing to explore the crevices of your conscious and subconscious, focuses on juiciness and melting into poses and really honoring your body for the incredible things it can do.

Her classes are like movement therapy for me. Flowing with her has taught me to be more open and forgiving, more willing to try new things, and probably most importantly, more able to work through difficult feelings and emotions as sweat falls from my forehead to the mat below. Monday night was definitely one of those nights; the class wasn't intense from a sweat standpoint--Yin is known for getting into the tissues rather than focusing on muscle--but it managed to dig pretty deep.

Jessie's honesty about her own life can prove inspirational even when you don't think yours is in a rut. That night, she shared she was going through some really difficult times without giving specifics, just enough to show that digging into neglected areas of our bodies was just as much for her as it was for us. I was lying on my mat, kind of struggling to get settled since my SI joint is still acting up (yet another post for another day), listening to her words ripple over me like river water over smooth stones, when I realized...

I love Jessie.

I mean, I care about her, of course, and I've missed the hell out of her, but it goes far deeper than that. Hearing her talk about her struggles with the pandemic, with life as we know it now, with her family and their own difficult time managing this new reality, my heart started to ache, that familiar ache you get when someone vital in your life bares their soul to you, completely unencumbered and shamelessly.

But I've yet to tell her. In fact, lying on that mat, my eyes slowly opened as the realization dawned on me: I haven't told a lot of my friends that I love them, even though I truly do. Why hold back on something like that, something so breathtaking and heartwarming and truly authentic as love?

Ancient Greeks (and maybe current Greeks, I'm not sure... it's all Greek to me... /terriblepun) had at least six words to describe love: Eros, or sexual passion; Philia, or deep friendship; Ludus, or playful love; Pragma, or longstanding love; Philautia, or self-love; and Agape, or selfless love. Some of these, like eros or ludus, are easier to come by. Others, like philautia or pragma, take some personal work and deeper introspection.

Being separated from people has taught me how much love I have in my life on a daily basis, not just from my partner or my son--and this quarantine has taught me how much of that love I've missed out on when we're at work or school, so I'm grateful for these times and for that love!--but from the family cultivated over the weeks and years I've known people. It's also shown me just how much of that selfless love there is to go around.

It's hard to see that when you're forced apart from people or when you see the turmoil going on around the world. But if it weren't for this circumstance, who knows when I would have "seen" Jessie next and feel that philia all over again. Who knew we'd be sharing agape by offering to grocery shop for the elderly or donning masks whenever we leave our homes or taking to the streets to protest police brutality. Those are all acts of love.

If anything, this has all taught me how to appreciate the love I have in my life and the myriad ways it presents itself... and it's shown me how important it is to tell those in my life that I love them. It's such a painful, visceral ache felt in the pit of my stomach to miss out on that love. I can't even imagine if I could never feel it again.

So it's time to tell Jessie that I love her. It's time to tell all my friends I love them. And it's time to make that a normal, everyday thing: to express and embody a feeling so warm, so enveloping, so capable of lifting great loads off shoulders and soothe broken hearts, even if only temporarily, before it's too late.

Let your true voice sing

This past week has been particularly eye-opening and challenging. Along with all the other changes going on in my world now, just in time for darkness to reign supreme and for thoughts to turn even deeper inward, my world was rocked by some well-timed messages speaking directly to my soul. Call it a cosmic two-by-four, if you will.

Literally everything has been about the throat chakra (vishuddha) and jalandara bandha (“throat lock”): A yoga class, some well-placed readings, situations where I need to remove the blockage and let my words flow, a reminder to “speak ye little and listen much,” and a gift of lapis lazuli.

A photo posted by Stephanie Fox (@letitproducejoy) on Sep 24, 2015 at 6:56am PDT

Like, seriously, okay… I got the hint. ;)

The vishuddha is the body’s voice, a pressure valve which expresses energy from the other chakras. If blocked or out of balance, it can easily affect the health of all other chakras; in balance, it allows for the easy expression of what we think and feel. Personal truths are brought into the world, and the energy between body and spirit flows freely and easily.

This concept lends strongly to being impeccable with your word, a lesson learned from don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements. The most difficult agreement we can make with ourselves -- and the one we must make in order to make the others -- is to allow ourselves to acknowledge and honor the power of the word, both internally and externally. Being impeccable leads to personal responsibility; every word you say holds the power to create the world around you, including within yourself. As a force for expression and communication, one must begin with powerful, positive words towards one’s self; only when we do that can we project those powerful, positive words to those around us.

I’ve been told multiple times my vishuddha is blocked or underactive. I guess I need to start believing it. ;) Most people pick up relatively quickly that I’m not one to speak my mind except when vitally important, reserving myself instead to burying those thoughts. And yes, part of it is strictly my nature; I’m an internal thinker, rarely sharing what goes on in my head. What they don’t know is the reason why.

When I was younger, I was very shy, quiet, and highly empathetic. The moniker “mighty mouse,” given to me by an elementary school teacher and carried with me through most of my life (much like “giggles,” ha), applies more than just to being strong when small, but to my quiet nature, too.

I learned very early on that speaking up meant potentially starting conflict, something I absolutely loathed, and experiencing situations where my voice was drowned or tuned out. Instead of rocking the proverbial boat, I’d either swallow my feelings or apologize and back down when I did say something in disagreement with another. Emotions, thoughts, ideas, and so forth were all pushed down in favor of nodding in mock agreement and going with the flow. This was reinforced as I grew older and through certain life situations, and eventually, I started to really believe my thoughts weren’t worth hearing.

With time -- and especially recently -- these “negative” emotions blocked up any opportunity to express the “positive” emotions, leaving me unable to speak any words at all. Sure, I appear very jovial on the surface, and by and large, I really am. But I’m admittedly terrible at communicating pretty much anything, reserving my word instead for the benefit of others rather than to express my opinions and thoughts freely.

As a result, there have been several times when refusing or finding it impossible to speak my truth created a personal reality that, quite honestly, holds little water compared to what actually exists. Inevitably, it’s led to a lack of confidence, assurance, and self-love.

So, as the bruise from being whacked so hard with that two-by-four subsides, I’m determined to create my own reality from the ground up, to acknowledge that which actually exists and state it in a way that makes me believe it. It also means shifting from “I’m not worth hearing, so best to keep quiet” to “I may not speak much, and that’s okay, but when I do, I am worth hearing.” A distinct shift towards conscious confidence, even if it’s faked at first: Much like smiling, it eventually becomes second nature.

It takes a confident person to express themselves honestly, openly, and lovingly. I’m not in control of how others deal with my personal expression (and I need to let go that anyone’s opinions or feelings are more important than my own), but I am entirely responsible for creating my own reality through the power of my words, and that means being responsible for and impeccable with my own sense of confidence.

And really, I owe it to myself.

I’m ready to speak up, to open my vishuddha, to create the confidence I should have to create the reality I will come to learn I deserve. The truth about truth is, if you don’t express it, you continue to enable that which doesn’t feel good or right.

Time to open my goddamn mouth once in awhile. :)

Positive Affirmation: I speak freely and with confidence. It is now safe for me to express my feelings and to create the life I desire. Everything I do is an expression of Love.

Anahata, realizing some people are assholes, and surrounding yourself with good.

One thing we've been focusing on lately in yoga is opening up the heart chakra. Sounds like a bunch of crunchy granola esoteric shit, I know... and that's because it kind of is. :) But bear with me for a bit.

The fourth primary chakra, Anahata (Sanskrit: अनाहत) or the "heart" chakra, is associated with the ability to make decisions outside the realm of karma. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase "follow your heart", which encourages someone to make decisions not based on unfulfilled emotions, but on one's higher self.

We've been doing poses this month to open up this chakra if desired, notably Camel (Ushtransana), Cobra (Bhujangasana), and a "flying" kundalini yoga exercise where arms are raised to a T and the heart pushes forward as the arms go back. During the practice, we're also asked to consider:

• ♥ What emotional memories do I need to heal?
• ♥ What relationships, current or past, require healing?
• ♥ Are my emotional wounds taking over, causing me to try and control people or situations around me?
• ♥ Do I allow the wounds of others to control me? How do I let it happen?
• ♥ What do I need to forgive myself for? Who needs forgiving from me?

These poses have been done in conjunction with the Loving Kindness meditation, which I went over previously. (Ignore the broken images... trying to fix that!)

What's especially difficult about these poses is not the actual muscle it takes, as sometimes it doesn't take much at all, but that your heart is completely exposed and leaves you open to feeling something you may just not want to feel at the time. It's very hard to open up like that, especially if your heart is scarred from being hurt by others, betrayal, or other negativity that you hold within yourself. Your heart becomes hardened to the world and against allowing others (and yourself!) in, and it can be very scary to try to break down those walls, as doing so may open you up to more isolation and pain.

I've noticed in my own life is that I can be a rather open person to most people. I invite others in willingly, extend my heart out, and generally try to be as friendly and effervescent as possible. Sure, I get hurt here and there, but in the grand scheme, leaving my heart open to new people is generally a positive experience.

But if there's anything I've been struggling with recently, it's learning to let go of those moments where people bring their negativity to a relationship... notably where those two people have never actually met. Even more, learning not to take it personally when harm is done, as why would you take to heart something said by some internet personality! It's especially difficult when they make themselves a martyr to your social networking circles.

I came across an article recently about why people are such assholes on the internet. (I love, by the way, that the title is flanked by the amount of time it takes to read. Just 8 minutes!) One notable point made was that we become intellectually lazy on social media, choosing not to view the person as an individual but to make assumptions and lump them into stereotypes of groups with which we disagree if they say something we don't like.

That, and there's the power of the reputation within a social group, also discussed in the article. There's the desire to be accepted and lauded by your peers, even to someone's detriment, if there are people picking apart every word you say, and the chances of being more defensive about a position skyrocket as a result. I see it all the time on Facebook and, more rarely but just as deeply, on personal blogs.

Have I been subject to this? Absolutely! As a blogger and admittedly fervent Facebook user, I'm often at least witness to these types of things, and once in a rare occasion, I'm actually a part of the drama. I can name a few off the top of my head, and I'll be straightforward in saying they are often the subject of my Loving Kindness meditation for the "difficult" person.

They're typically people, though, that I've never met in real life, and for people I don't actually know outside the persona they've made in their social networks, I certainly allow them to take up a lot of headspace. More, I'd say, than I do people I know in person.

It's definitely something I need to learn to let go, especially since they're probably not paying me the same mind, you know? And if they are, they're likely tormenting themselves as well with this "clogging up" of headspace that could be taken up by better, more productive things.

So in practicing these heart-opening poses and meditations, I'm trying to learn to simply... let go. It's incredibly difficult, and it opens yourself to possibly more hurt, but in the long run, it's a positive experience that will lead to more fulfilling relationships and experiences. Take a little hurt now, live a better life after.

I'm also learning to, quite frankly, not give a fuck. :) That headspace could be much better utilized, so why focus on those things that likely have no effect on anyone else and give a fuck about yourself and those who actually matter first! How do I go about doing this?

1. Know your values. Determine what's important, what isn't, and what you're ultimately aiming to get out of life. Once you know what those all are, what other people think of you becomes significantly less important, and you can have something you truly value: Something to believe in. Get your values straight, get your shit straight.

2. Put yourself out there! I already do this by Facebook, blogging, and even in real life social circles, but the bigger dare is to be honest with yourself and what you share. Don't censor yourself simply because someone may not like what you have to say (while also realizing that not every molehill is a mountain).

3. Surround yourself with pros. Not just people who are badass at what they do, but those who are a "pro" addition to your life rather than a "con". I'd say this one is of UTMOST importance, if only because it'll help you find happiness if you surround yourself with it. Find people who are self-assured and who live their lives without compromising their own core values, and you'll find that they quickly rub off on you!

4. Create a bucket list, and actually work to complete it. I actually have something similar, my 40 Before 40 list, to provide some inspiration. Add a couple things to it that will push you to your limits, too, don't just make it all whimsical! Your list should push you to reach new goals, realize what's important in your life, and challenge you to be your best.

5. Travel alone. If you're like me -- with a family, career, and other obligations -- this one may be on hold for a while, but it's something everyone should experience once in their lives. It'll force you into new social cultures, break some norms you didn't know existed, and ultimately force you out of your own little bubble. (And for me, at least... do it on a motorcycle! If only because it's badass!)

And, if you so choose, open your heart to new experiences and new people, knowing full well that you may be hurt once in a while... but that those positive relationships will stick with you for a lifetime.

Namaste. :)

Watch as I do Sirsasana! :)

Perhaps not very gracefully, and certainly not the best picture quality (thanks, iPhone), but as promised... photos of headstand, as posed by Yours Truly. :)

(I apologize for the use of a pillow for my head. The floor is hard as a... wooden rock, though. And for the booty shots, but you gotta get up somehow!)

First, tripod headstand! I can actually do this one with little effort, and end up smiling -- stupidly, I might add -- the entire time.

And then, bound headstand. You can tell I find this one significantly more difficult, as I make some ridiculous scrunched-up faces and have to remind myself out loud to BREATHE, DAMMIT.

Ta-da! Hope you enjoyed! :)

Sirsasana for a soaring heart (and the Loving-Kindness meditation)

via

"Gratitude is when the memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."

Lionel Hampton

I went to yoga class yesterday feeling a heaviness in my heart and in my mind, one that kept me up until late the night before and woke me up super early the next morning. I was exhausted, physically and mentally, so I approached the practice with a bit of fear.

And of course, considering this month's challenge pose is headstand (Sirsasana), that fear was only heightened. :)

The practice started off with an adaptation of the Loving-Kindness meditation, which we've been doing for a few weeks and from which I've really started to benefit. I've included it at the bottom of this post if you want to give it a try. We then went into vinyasas that prepared us for the base of headstand, and after a quick demonstration, we were off. (Literally. Like, off the ground.)

In my experience, inverted poses can be terrifying before you try them and giddy when you finally achieve them. On an emotional level, inverted asanas turn everything upside down, challenging everything you know about what's up or down, right or wrong. Getting up there shakes your confidence a bit, but increases it exponentially when you get your feet in the air. It's invigorating, and not just because all the blood is rushing to your head!

I'll admit that, the first time I tried headstand and actually achieved it, I did some sort of weird internal cry -- you know, where you just release all your emotions and it comes out not as tears, but as a childlike joy that's difficult to contain. It's said that our emotions are stored deep within our bodies, so when we open those places that are typically closed off, a tidal wave of emotions isn't too far behind.

I found that place yesterday, as I pressed my hands into the floor and sent my feet skyward. All of the stress and anxiety that I had felt throughout that day and the previous day left me in one fell swoop, and I found myself starting to giggle! Stupid move, as I lost my balance and had to engage my core pretty intensely to get my feet back on the ground without toppling over, but man... that sense of happiness took over any self-doubt I may have been holding on to.

Today, I continue to hold that feeling and have pretty much made it my mission to try experiencing this every day. Headstand (and yoga in general!) has made such a positive influence on how I see the world, and I hope it does the same for you, too.

"Since Handstand brings you face to face with your insecurities and fears, it provides a wonderful laboratory where you can observe and work on overcoming all such emotions. Handstand offers a controlled situation in which you can develop self-confidence, courage, and, Cooper emphasizes, a somewhat playful and curious approach to solving challenges."

Yoga Journal

As promised, here's that Loving-Kindness meditation! I hope you all enjoy it. :)

This meditation focuses on developing loving kindness for three types of people in your life: One who brings you joy, one who may pose a challenge to you, and finally, yourself. The first two people can change each meditation and you should always include yourself; the point is to overcome any negativity or ill feelings, and it begins with developing a loving acceptance of yourself. When you achieve that, you will find it much easier to develop loving-kindness towards others.

Find a comfortable position. You can sit in a meditative pose, prop up against the wall, or even lie down (but don't fall asleep!). Make any adjustments your body may need to achieve relaxation. When you've found your center, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Begin to slow down your breathing, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. Find your calm.

First, envision someone who brings joy to your life, someone who makes it better simply by being who they are. Hold that person's face in the forefront of your mind, and while evoking loving-kindness towards that person, repeat three times:

May you be well.

May you be at peace.

May you be at ease.

May you be happy.

Then, shift your attention to someone in your life who is giving you difficulty. (If this is your first loving-kindness meditation, don't go for the jugular -- instead, choose someone who ranks maybe a five on a scale of 1-10.) Hold that person's face in the forefront of your mind, and while evoking loving-kindness towards that person, repeat three times:

May you be well.

May you be at peace.

May you be at ease.

May you be happy.

Finally, focus inward. You may find it most challenging to wish these things for yourself! But know that you absolutely deserve it as much as anyone else. Hold yourself in the forefront of your mind, and while evoking loving-kindness towards yourself, repeat three times:

May I be well.

May I be at peace.

May I be at ease.

May I be happy.

Note that this meditation may feel mechanical or awkward at times, or even bring up feelings that are contrary to loving-kindness. And that's totally okay! It's important to be patient and kind towards yourself, allowing whatever emotions that arise to be received with a spirit of friendliness and affection. Over time, and (probably most importantly) when you start to feel loving-kindness towards yourself, you'll find that it's much easier to extend that feeling to others.

Namaste. :)

(I'm hoping that blogging about yoga becomes a regular thing, as I've been getting into that -- and running! -- in the hopes that I become fit from the inside, out. So keep an eye out for more posts, maybe some photos of poses, and more inspiration!)