What OCD is... and isn't.

I feel like this post is a long time coming. I have several other versions of this in draft, but none of them seemed to really convey what I've wanted to say about obsessive-compulsive disorder without getting kind of cryptic or without a ridiculous amount of uncomfortableness.

But there was recently a catalyst.

See, people have this incredible habit of taking mundane situations or little quirks in their lives and using a condition (a mental one, more often than not) to describe them, often without knowing the effects and complications of the condition itself. "Bipolar" is one example, as in, "This weather is so bipolar!", as are "depressed" and "maniacal."

Oh yeah, and OCD, which is a favored way of describing a personal oddity. In this specific instance, it was a LiveJournal thread wherein a girl felt it was "An OCD Tendency Of [Hers]" to capitalize every word of a sentence. Never mind that the rest of the post and her comments were all grammatically incorrect in some way or another (your/you're, people, please!), which would typically drive someone with OCD batshit.

Well, allow me to tell you what OCD is really like. Rather than give personal experience right off the bat, here is first some information on how OCD can affect the sufferer, and how anxiety can become a daily and very real part of life.



Only a trained mental health professional can diagnose someone with OCD. S/He will look for obsessions a person may have, the compulsions to combat these obsessions (whether external and/or, in the case of pure-O OCD, internal), and that these obsessions and compulsions are impeding on daily life.

Obsessions:

• Thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again and feel out of the person’s control.


• The person does not want to have these ideas.


• He or she finds them disturbing and unwanted, and usually knows that they don't make sense.


• They come with uncomfortable feelings, such as fear, disgust, doubt, or a feeling that things have to be done in a way that is "just right."


• They take a lot of time and get in the way of important activities the person values (socializing, working, going to school, etc.).

What Obsessions are not…

• It is normal to have occasional thoughts about getting sick or about the safety of loved ones.

Compulsions:

• Repetitive behaviors or thoughts that a person engages in
  to neutralize, counteract, or make their obsessions go away.


• People with OCD realize this is only a temporary solution, but without a better way to cope they rely on the compulsion as a temporary escape.


• Can also include avoiding situations that trigger their obsessions.


• Time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values (socializing, working, going to school, etc.).

What Compulsions are not…

• Not all repetitive behaviors or “rituals” are compulsions. Bedtime routines, religious practices, and learning a new skill involve repeating an activity over and over again, but are a welcome part of daily life.


• Behaviors depend on the context: Arranging and ordering DVDs for eight hours a day isn’t a compulsion if the person works in a video store.

For pure-O sufferers, the fears, compulsions, and obsessions tend to stem from situations out of one's control, such as preventing loved ones from being in car crashes or from your home being robbed while you're at work.

Unwanted, Intrusive Thought (compare with Obsession)

• “You’re going to fall and die”

Reflexive Mental and Physical Reaction (compare with Compulsion)

• “No... have to keep balanced... must go slowly... must try to stay calm... need to focus straight ahead... must take deep breaths... need to use arms for control...”

Fear of Losing Control (compare with Obsession)

• “But that huge drop... you can feel your balance wavering... your mind’s eye can see you tumbling... you can feel yourself being drawn towards the edge...”

Reflexive Mental and Physical Reaction (compare with Compulsion)

• “No... can’t happen... have to hang on... need to fight for life... need to kneel down so can’t fall... must crawl... need to look away from the drop... need to regain control...”

The following are examples (definitely not exhaustive!) of how compulsions can be exhibited in someone with pure-O OCD:

Compulsions

• feel and act upon repeated need to count to a preferred, “safe” number


• feel and act upon repeated need to cancel a thought before a moving object goes out of sight


• feel and act upon repeated need to fight for a “good” or “safe” thought before breaking a hug


• feel and act upon repeated need to hold breath/not swallow when looking at a feared thing


• feel and act upon repeated need to think “NO!” or to recite a “safe” word or phrase to oneself


• feel and act upon repeated need to “check” and reaffirm feelings for a partner


• feel and act upon repeated need to undo/redo what was being done when had intrusive thought


• feel and act upon repeated need to plead “why me?” and wish, literally, for the thoughts to stop


• feel and act upon repeated need to check, test & challenge that the unwanted thought isn’t true

Looking at these lists, you can see why some people will categorize some of the strange things they do as "OCD tendencies." When digging deeper, though, the strange things are actually based on preference rather than an inexplicable need to do them in order to stop obsessions.



What's the big deal? you might be thinking. After all, people have thoughts every day they don't want to have, things that they do repetitively they don't want to do. But there is a difference between simply not wanting or not doing, and feeling an insatiable need to do such things.

Let me finally give you a personal example. One of my obsessions is of death: The fear of, the downpour of images relating to (graveyards, caskets, hearses, funerals), the lack of knowledge as to what life is like after, the way loved ones will be affected in the future by (which is, in my opinion, the most terrifying).

Sure, everyone worries about this kind of thing. But when your brain acts as a broken faucet that just won't turn off, pouring out images and words and terrible scenarios and gods know what else, your anxiety levels can go through the roof.

There have been times when I've bolted straight out of bed with a panic attack, overtaken by the fear and anxiety and feeling of absolute dread from one thought that permanently let the faucet pour at high volume. Nights like that, I am often up until daybreak pacing the house with tensed muscles and a racing thoughts, talking myself down, trying to rationalize, and desperately seeking a way to separate body from mind.

So when I see people trivializing an actual mental illness by calling their little quirks or habits or some other thing in their life as OCD, I can't help but bristle and think, If only you knew.

It's absolutely horrifying, y'all. I'm not talking about simple fears (as we all have them and we all avoid them to the best of our ability) or little quirks; I'm talking about the inability to escape your fears, especially when some of those fears are baseless. Can you imagine running away from a demon you cannot see, feel, or otherwise experience, knowing full well it's not actually there while still feeling as though it will come after you any moment?