Today, I stop pumping.

I've been staring at the screen for almost an hour now, not sure what to say or where to start, so I guess I'll start from the beginning! How appropriate that I broach this topic during World Breastfeeding Week.

I was so excited to nurse my son before he was born. I had all the materials, had read all the books, and had neglected to buy all the bottles because heck, why would I need them before I went back to work, anyway. So when he was born, it was devastating to me that nursing just didn't work out. He had a posterior tongue tie and thrush, both of which were diagnosed and treated well after we had stopped nursing, and I only managed to make it a week before I admitted that continuing would just wreak further havoc on my body and my sanity.

To say it was not a great experience is... not telling the whole truth. In reality, it sucked.

Matt and I agreed to switch Tycho to formula, which was difficult not only because of the emotions I had tied to breastfeeding and the sudden crashing down of my dreams when it didn't work out, but because all the stuff that comes with it. There are bottles, and finding the right formula, and cleaning out those bottles, and water temperature and cleanliness, and measuring scoops of powder at 2am. Formula-feeding is NOT for the weak. But we made it work, and as my body started to heal and my hormones settled, I finally found my happy place again.

After returning to work, I vied again for that breastfeeding experience, and I decided to relactate. To do that, though, meant I was tethered to a pump up to eight times a day to bring my milk back, then down to three or four times at work while I'd nurse at home. Every. single. day. It's been over a year now since I decided to relactate, and while it has been entirely worth it and I'm down to just one pump session a day, I've finally reached my breaking point.

So today, I stop pumping. It's time to call it quits.

But as I write that, I'm starting to mentally freak out. Am I ready for this? Is Tycho ready? Is this really the right time?

My mother-in-law recently came to visit, and she watched Tycho while Matt and I took a mini-cation to Virginia. It was a great time for us, and Tycho did really well with her. We had prepared milk for him while we were gone, but he ended up not taking too much and was just fine regardless. When we returned, I found that two bags of milk were still sitting in the freezer, untouched. Considering, I'm sure he's ready.

Tycho still loves nursing (or "nenes", as he calls it), and I'm more than willing to continue nursing until he's done. At this point, though, he's only down to two, sometimes three times a day, and is otherwise too on the move to bother with it. And as for milk during the day? We've already got him to accept water at daycare and at home, so it won't be a huge adjustment at all.

We have about four days' worth of fresh milk in the refrigerator, and maybe a week's worth of milk in the freezer. Enough to see him through to 16 months.

As for me? I do have some fear that stopping the pump will lead to Tycho wanting to wean earlier rather than later, but I'm admittedly very ready to be done with pumping. I've been ready for a while, I've just been afraid to pull the trigger. But, just as some day I'll have to send him off for his first day at school, drop him off at college, or even watch as he marries his true love, I have to face the fact that he's growing up.

I hope to take it as gracefully as I know he will. :)

My (not-so-little) nursling! ♥