Pregnancy: 19w - Weight

First, in case you missed it: Matt and I are having a boy!! :)

Yesterday was my almost-midpoint midwife appointment at Special Beginnings, and it went really well! Though it was shorter than all my other visits so far (most have been at least 45 minutes and up to two hours, this one was about 30 minutes), I felt like all my questions and concerns were addressed. I did forget to mention the nosebleeds I've been having pretty regularly, but I did remember a lot. :P

One thing my midwives have learned about me was how in-tune I am with my body and its changes thus far. I kind of pride myself in having a close connection to my body, and it's no different in pregnancy. I've been feeling a lot of movement recently, and when my midwife discussed it with me, she mentioned it was really early to start feeling movement, especially with a first pregnancy. Imagine her surprise when I mentioned that Matt, by stroke of pure luck, felt Kit kick at about 16 weeks!

I also mentioned that, at some points of the day, I'll walk around and it'll feel like Kit is being bobbed around in a bowl of water or something, like my abs can't support Kit or his temporary home. She said that this was normal, too, but like the movement and kicking, most women don't feel this until later in their pregnancy -- in both cases, around 24 weeks. She thought that was pretty cool, too!

Well, it was obvious at that point that weight had come up a couple times, and while she mentioned I was thin, she also mentioned that my weight gain (or lack thereof) is a little cause for concern. Not that she's terribly worried about it right now, but she says we may need to monitor it a bit. I've only gained, as of yesterday's appointment, around 7lbs, and she expected somewhere around 10-12lbs by 20 weeks, if not by now.

So I'm a little under target for weight.

Not that this should be a huge surprise, though. I've had body issues for as long as I can remember, the worst of it coming to a peak when we first moved to Maryland in December 2009. I had left Florida with Matt at my highest weight to date, and you could tell: It was absolutely everywhere. My face, my limbs, my middle were all much bigger than I would have liked. I won't tell the exact number (not polite to ask a lady's weight! ;)), but I can assure you I easily had 20-25lbs to lose.

I made a resolution when we moved here that I would start taking care of myself a lot better. We were eating out a lot in Orlando, going out to bars and restaurants often late at night and often for football games... and y'all know how good football food is for you. It's really no wonder that I gained so much weight! So we stopped doing this (at least on as regular a basis as it was) and started eating better.

I also started a local yoga class, attending once a week for an hour. While it doesn't sound like much, that little bit of exercise, plus whatever I did at home, and the changes we made to our diets really helped. A year went by, and I had lost about 15lbs.

The other five to 10 were lost the following year, and I managed to keep it all off that year and the one following. I was never a "calorie-counter" (that's Matt's job, a job he can keep, thank you very much), but I was conscious about what I ate and conscious about what I did to better my body.

Through that time, I grew much more in-tune with myself, both physically and emotionally, and I noticed a great change in both. This was a great thing!

The bad thing was when I started associating that physical and emotional well-being with the number on a scale.

I became obsessed with that instead of with calories, restricting myself whenever I saw the numbers start to creep up (even if for a day or two) and chastising myself whenever I ate something that wasn't great for me. While it never turned into a full-blown eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia -- I'm emetophobic, so that never would have happened, at least, lol -- it DID become something that consumed my life.

So you can imagine that, considering this is a situation in which I need to gain weight for my own health and that of my unborn child, both in pregnancy and afterward (my midwife stressed the importance of fat stores when breastfeeding), it can be a little triggering to see the number on the scale start to climb. In my mind, I was reversing all the progress I had made and the maintenance I had kept over the years.

18w6d, about 7lbs up from pre-preggo weight.

This is something I struggled with from the very beginning of this pregnancy, and something I'm sure I'll battle until the very end, especially because it's suggested I gain between 25 and 35lbs over the entire course. Just the mere thought of gaining that sends me into a tizzy.

And of course, my body is working against me in all ways: Any fat that I got in my diet before getting pregnant was consumed through cheese and other dairy, avocados, and peanuts (I'm allergic to tree nuts, so those are out), and they all sound entirely unappealing to me now. Just the though of a PB&J actually makes me want to gag. So... finding things with fats that are vegetarian, without being slathered in oil or deep-fried, is going to be pretty difficult!

Guess I'll keep y'all updated about that as I go along. :)

The point of all this is that, though I intellectually know that weight gain is good for Kit (especially considering where I started off), I have to start emotionally realizing that and putting at least some bit of weight gain at the forefront. It's going to take a lot of work, I'm sure, to overcome those hurdles, but it's what's best.

After all, it can't be that difficult to lose after Kit's born!