It is seriously hitting me hard, this idea that I'm so close to the end and, before we know it, there will be a tiny, squirmy, completely dependent little human in our home and family.
I... just... didn't I get pregnant just yesterday?!
It's amazing how this whole journey has been. I've been ambivalent, over the moon, moody, even depressed, quietly happy, and right now, I'd call myself hormonally giddy. And terrified.
Not just of the birth process, about which I'm actually both giddy and terrified (I never thought I'd be the former). That's a few-days process at most that reaps great reward at the end, so I'm not terribly worried about that. But motherhood, raising a child, discipline, making sure I do everything "right"? Basically, everything after the fact? Scary stuff right there! I'm afraid that I might screw up this child we're creating and will mold as he grows older.
Part of it is probably because of the Steubenville rape that happened late last year and was tried just recently. I won't even comment on the story itself (because really, I don't need my blood pressure to go through the roof), but the story really hit home when I thought to myself, if my son ever did anything like that...
And it hit me. It's not the birth or even the baby years I'm worried about. I'm worried that, despite my best efforts, it won't be enough and my son will end up doing something so abhorrent that I'd wonder where on earth it came from. I'm worried that something I or Matt do down the road might turn him down a terrible path. I'm worried that society may have more of an impact on his moral character and his empathy than either of his parents will.
All those possibilities terrify me, and I'm sure they've terrified any other parent-to-be who thought about anything similar at any point. I know there's only so much you can do, and sometimes it is nature instead of nurture that'll mold a person. After all, just look at siblings: Despite my parents raising us more or less the same, my sister, brother, and I are three completely different people. Some parts for the better, some parts for worse, but different people nonetheless.
No matter what we do, our son (and any other children) will be a product of both his social and home environments. I just hope that we do the best we can to make that home environment the one by which he's most influenced, and that he never turns out to be anything close to the Steubenville rapists or any other repulsive people we have in this world.
So... yes, that's what's been on my mind lately. Good times, huh?
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