It's In the Cards (blast from the past!)

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Man, is this some old stuff. Back in 2009, I wrote a post as an Orlando Young Paganism Examiner on a tarot reading I had Samhain 2008. Note that I haven't edited any of this, so the writing may be sub-par at best, but it was a very meaningful reading that I still love thinking back to.

And now, with the moon full, a pending eclipse, and the cooler autumn breeze, I feel the need to share it again. Enjoy! :)

Earth is in transition, changing from the plentiful harvests of Fall to the beginning of the dead season of Winter. The Celts called this changing of the seasons Samhain (pronounced sow-en), and would hail in the changing of time by gathering in the rest of the harvest, honoring the gods that gave them their bounty, and lighting bonfires to light the way for their ancestors. During Samhain, or Halloween, the veil between the world of the living and that of the deceased reaches its thinnest, providing ample opportunities for divination and scrying via crystal balls or mirrors. Tarot reading, a way of divining the future using elaborate pictures on cards that was developed in 15th Century Italy, is a common way to interpret certain aspects of a person’s life during this holiday. As a Pagan, I am not only familiar with the art of Tarot reading, but engage in the practice wholeheartedly once Samhain rolls around.

This year, I had the pleasure of getting my cards read at the annual Samhain Festival, a celebration of those who have passed on and for those who are still living, hosted by the Red Hills Pagan Council in Tallahassee. The setup was beautiful: under the sprawling oak trees between the two Park Avenues was a reflection labyrinth made of candles in paper bags, leading to an oracle in the middle; a group of women reading tarot cards by light of candles and with incense burning on the tables; and an altar to pay respects to our ancestors. The altar was made from the May Oak, a once-legendary tree that towered above all the other oaks. It has been reduced to nothing more than a stump, but the RHPC decorated it with white cloths and a cauldron, illuminated by a candle, in the center. About fifty tea lights were arranged around the top of the altar by those who wished to honor those who had passed, along with slips of paper with their relatives’ names. In the corner stood a figurine of a skeletal groom and bride, the novios of Dia De Los Muertos. It made the night feel magical, looking at the altar and the dozens of candles illuminating the park.

I took a tea light and a slip of paper from a basket next to the altar, and wrote the names of my aunt, grandfather, and orchestra conductor on it. After having lit a candle and reflecting a bit on my personal life, then placing it among the menagerie of candles already brightening the altar, I joined a few friends from the Pagan Student Association. One member had an extra cup of hot apple cider, and handed it to me. I thanked her and gripped the cup, the steaming liquid warming the cup and my hands. It must have been about forty degrees that night, and I was just able to make out my breath. Eva, the PSA president, encouraged me to have my cards read, since she had hers done and was impressed with the reading. So I meandered over to the Tarot tables and saw an empty one underneath a huge oak tree. There was a beautiful Witch sitting there, with short brown hair and a heavy mauve velvet cape, arranging her candles and setting up her cards on a table covered with a white altar cloth. I noticed her earrings, a combination of pentacles and gemstones hanging from her ears, and saw that she was a Pagan herself. She looked up and smiled as I approached her table.

Are you still doing readings?” I asked, aware that the Festival was almost over. One of the other readers had already packed up her cards and candles.

“Oh, of course!” she replied, smiling warmly and touching her deck. “Why don’t you have a seat? Take these cards, shuffle them as you will, and tell me what you want to know. Then put them in three different piles, ” she said, laying her hand on the table.

She handed me her deck, which felt warm in my hands compared to the cold surrounding me. They were light blue with herbs in the shape of a circle on the back. I started to shuffle and, with my hands occupied, began to talk.

“Well, ” I said, feeling the cards slide against each other as I shuffled, “I’ve been curious about what’s going to happen after college. I want to go to grad school, or begin a career, or… I really don’t know. I’m torn as to what to do and where to go after graduation. There’s so much to think about, and I want to know whether or not I’m making the right decision, or if the right decision will come to me.” I breathed in, smelling the incense she had beside the small card table – lavender, for peace of mind – and let the air out slowly. I returned to the cards in my hands and, somehow feeling that they were in their proper places, I separated them into three piles as she instructed.

The Witch put her hands on each of the piles as she said, “This one is going to represent your past, this your present situation, and the last, your future. We’ll start at the beginning, ” she said, smiling again, “and get to the best part last.” I grinned back at her, eager to get the reading started.

PAST: King of Pentacles - inverted

Spreading some of my Past pile out, she picked a card and organized the deck again. Flipping it over revealed a King of Pentacles card, turned upside down. “Hmm… interesting, ” she mused, putting the card in front of me.

It showed a regal king dressed in a dark purple cape, with a wreath of holly around his head. He was sitting in the woods on a large stone, looking at the sun against a bright blue sky and balancing a yellow pentacle, a five-pointed star within a circle, upon his knee; he looked like he was contemplating the best move to make to best serve his kingdom’s inhabitants.

The personality of the King of Pentacles card combines the pentacle’s representation of earth, a sign of grounded thoughts and maturity concerning life’s circumstances, and the outward, progressive movement of the king. When inverted, the card means the opposite, an imbalance in some aspect of the person’s life and regression.

“This one, ” she said, pointing to it, “shows that you were in some sort of balance with yourself. However, since it’s inverted, your life was somehow thrown off-kilter with the presence of a masculine energy. Rather than helping you when you were younger, this masculine energy did the opposite, pulling you back and disrupting your equilibrium.” I looked at her, stunned, as an image of my father came to mind. Though he is my father, we never had a true connection. In fact, the only time that we really talked was when it concerned my future, and often times it was riddled with what I should and shouldn’t do. Most of the advice was common sense, but once I started making decisions on my own, such as changing my major at college or pursuing my own religious path, things often became nasty.

“So, I guess we didn’t raise you right, huh?” he would accuse me. “Nothing I say is ever good enough for you. You never want to take our advice, and go off and do whatever it is you want. Well, fine; figure it out on your own, then.” My father went back to his ice cream and football, an instant dismissal of my presence.

After that day, over three years ago, I swore to never heed anything he said again. His words were too hurtful to ignore.

“But, ” she started again, making me shake my head out of the reverie and back to the present, “this can always be remedied by a balancing force. So, let’s look to your present situation.”

PRESENT: Queen of Wands crossed with Pan

She took the second pile and surveyed them for a moment, then said, “Let’s go with the top one.” As she flipped the card, her face lit up with excitement. “Well, here we go! Your balance!” Next to the King, the Witch put down the Queen of Wands.

A stark contrast to the king, this queen seemed attached to the very nature that surrounded her. She stood at the bottom of a hill, fingering a leaf of raspberry hanging all around her, and the orange-red of the raspberries matched her long peasant-like dress. She also wore a purple cape and a length of rope around her waist, with a staff in her left hand and a feathered headband across her forehead. Her long dark hair flowed behind her shoulders.

Associated with the Queen of Wands are the wand’s positive fiery passions and the Queen’s inward focus and introspection. Wands show an exceptional aptitude for the mystical and the occult, and since it is the Queen who holds a large wand in her hand, the energy flow is feminine or Goddess-like. The Queen is notorious for her cheer and good will, and is energetic and wholehearted when it comes to others. When paired with the King of Pentacles, she represents a balance between masculine and feminine forces.

“This is very interesting, and just what I was hoping for!” She grew more excited as she fingered the card, pointing to the gorgeous Queen under raspberry leaves. “See, you have this ability to truly assert yourself, become the woman you were meant to be, and will have the powers of Spirit on your side. Your goals thus far have been met, and they show a passion for wanting to achieve more in the future. And here, ” she said, pointing to a white cat behind the Queen that I just noticed, “is a white cat. It’s telling me that you have true intentions towards everything that you do, and that your passions are closely tied to innocent love and purity, which will be behind you always.”

When I finally left home to pursue college, there were a few times when my father would try to interfere with my life, teetering between cutting me off financially and disowning me completely due to my aforementioned decisions. Rather than live under the constant pressure of eventually losing my parents, I decided to make a life for myself. Now, almost four years later, I am completely independent, managing my own insurance, money affairs, college education, and life. While they aren’t happy with it, my parents are coming to the realization that I’m not bending over backwards to please them all the time when, quite honestly, I have myself to make happy.

It didn’t come instantly, though. There were a lot of times when I would cry myself to sleep, simultaneously hoping to gain their love and promising never to see them again. It took a lot of inner strength to admit that I come first in my own life, and that I decided whom to make a part of it. If my parents, and namely my father, wanted no part in the independent woman they raised, I certainly wasn’t going to force them. There was a lot of heartache when I realized that I may be distancing myself from my family forever, but becoming my own person, making my own decisions, and living out my own life has made me happier than I could have ever imagined. And I now have nowhere else to go but up.

The Witch turned back to the deck and took another card off the top, then crossed it over the Queen. It was Pan, one of the Major Arcana. The Major Arcana is a group of 22 cards, usually regarded as relating to matters of higher purpose or deep significance, and depicts those of great power, such as the Priestess and Death. His goat legs (as Pan is half man, half beast) were crossed, and he sat on the ground surrounded by Lobelia, an herb that represents love, and fire, the element of desire. “Do you know about Pan?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Not too much; I know he’s known for passions, too.”

“Right, ” she said. “Pan being here is also quite interesting; as he’s crossed with the Queen, he’s supposed to represent a roadblock, a deterrent to your goals. But since the Queen is already driven to succeed (and succeed she will!), he’s more for assistance, a leg-up. In fact, ” she said, going back to my Past and flipping around the King, “he may be what’s going to put you into equilibrium again with men in your life. Perhaps there is another man who seeks your attentions, and this time you give it willingly because you see a positive force in him. See here, Pan’s holding a star.” She indicated a dark blue star in between Pan’s hands. “Another sign of grounding. He’s telling you to not look back at the Past and its pulls back to deception and hardships, but to look towards the present… and the future.”

My feet were able to plant a little more firmly with the help of my boyfriend Matt. Though I had a rocky relationship with my father, a relationship that put me on edge with every man I ever met, Matt was supportive, attentive, and receptive to my feelings and aspirations. He was, and always has been, my solid ground, and proved it when once my father called to leave a nasty message. That afternoon, Matt wiped away my tears and held me in his loving arms. He is my present, and my future.

“Let’s see how your future is going to be shaped, okay? So far, so good!” I grinned at her, hoping for the best to be seen for what’s to come.

FUTURE: Suspended Person, Page of Cups

Taking two cards from the middle of the pile, she took a look at them, and then put them at the end of the table. Her drawing produced the Suspended Person, another Major Arcana, and the Page of Cups.

The Suspended Person, yet another Major Arcana, is peacefully shown upside down in water surrounded by kelp, showing a love for water and aquatic endeavors. There is a grounded feeling in the water, and though the Person is upside down, he feels at ease and serene among the kelp. The Page of Cups brings opportunities of love and great joy. It is also associated with the achieving of one’s desires and receiving guidance from within, a strong psychologically and spiritually linked card.

“Do you like water?” she asked, taking me a little off-guard.

“Well… yeah, ” I replied, “I love the water. I’m a Scorpio, and have lived by water almost my entire life. It’s my goal to live on the ocean.”

The Witch nodded tranquilly, showing her own love of water. “Right here, with the Suspended Person, you’ve got a huge possibility of being able to live that dream. He’s showing peacefulness in water, but be careful!” She poked the card with her finger. “Don’t thrash around and let things worry you too much; you could get caught up in all this kelp. And that’s the last thing you want, because then you won’t be the Suspended Person… you’ll be the Hanged Man.” I laughed at her little quip, and she joined in.

She then turned to the Page of Cups. “You must have a male friend in your life, ” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at me, “and the Page is letting you know that you’ve got a keeper. But don’t let him control your life. The Page is balanced at the moment, with one foot in the water – another sign that you’re meant to be there – and the other in the Cup, a representation of earth and grounding yet again. So don’t let this guy control your life; you need to take hold of the reins if you want to achieve your goals and get ahead. But since you’re balanced here, you’ll also know when to stand back and give him some of the limelight as well. I see a very balanced relationship here.”

Matt and I have been discussing what to do after graduation for almost a year now. My goal is to attend grad school and receive an MFA in Creative Writing, while his was to go for a job that could grant him access into any engineering company after a couple of years. Though we each had our separate goals, we both agreed that it would be easier to achieve both and still be happy if we remained in Florida, namely in Orlando. I could attend University of Central Florida, and he could work at one of several companies in the area.

Recently, though, he has been talking more and more about moving out to California, which presented a lot of problems on my end. Since I depended on scholarships, grants and loans to go to college, going to a school in state would enable me to get a degree and not be in further debt after graduation. UCF offers an MFA degree in under $10, 000, which would be amazing. But if we moved to California, I would have to be out of school for a year or more to gain residency and be eligible for in-state tuition, and my chances of earning scholarships or grants would go down since I didn’t attend grad school right out of my undergraduate program.

Sometimes Matt has the tendency to call me indecisive, but I don’t think he realizes that I’m that way because I want us both to do what we would like, and often times, that means I need to change my future plans to coincide with his. So I told him that, though I love him dearly, I am staying in Florida to get my MFA. If he wants to pursue California, I will be with him in two years… or he can stay with me in Orlando while I get my degree. In the fight to become less “indecisive”, I need to make these decisions for myself and stick to my guns. After a few arguments, he relented, seeing that my desire to earn an MFA doesn’t necessarily come before him, but to create a better life for us in a couple years, it would be beneficial to do so. With this, he is now debating as to whether or not he wants to pursue a graduate degree at the same university as well!

She gathered the remaining cards, leaving mine on the table for me to look at again. “You’ve got something going for you, ” she said. “Not very many readings that I do are quite this positive. Spirit definitely is watching over you.”

Afterwards, I took the Witch’s hand in my own and thanked her abundantly for everything she had read for me. She took my hand in hers, looked straight into my eyes with her soft brown ones, and said, “Goddess bless. You have a very bright future ahead of you, as the spirits have shown you tonight. I wish you the best of luck with everything you do.”

I thanked her again for the reading and her blessings, and rose from the table. My legs shook as I tried to stand, a product of my being overwhelmed with the accuracy and good fortune the cards held. Though I realize tarot is namely an interpretive art, there is a gift in being able to subjectively see your life written out in images and coming to conclusions about one’s own life. I believe because I interpret my life as I do the cards: I see things around me, survey what happens in my everyday, and know that there is someone watching over me, protecting and guiding me through this torrential life.

Regaining my balance, I went across the darkened green to join my friends. As I walked, I looked up to see the waxing moon hanging high in the sky, lingering with the stars against the royal blue sky. Staring at her, my Goddess always looking out for me, I smiled and internally gave her my blessings. There is a peace in knowing that she will always be there, suspended above me, waiting for my glance.

Beside her, a star twinkled.