Matt left yesterday for a business trip, and like always, I had trouble sleeping last night as a result. As I lay in bed trying to drift off, I started really thinking about this whole process of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood.
And truth be told, it scared the living bejeezus out of me.
It's not that I'm not excited to be a mother. It's not even that our lives would change so drastically -- in fact, I don't see much change at all, save for positive aspects.
The feeling is almost indescribable. I have such doubts of my ability to carry and birth this child, such doubts as to my aspirations for motherhood. Sometimes, I even have doubts about whether my child will turn out normal, or whether I'll fuck him or her up in some way.
Y'all know me, right? That's a distinct possibility. ;) (I keed, I keed!)
Part of me doubts that I'll be able to handle this birth like I want. I'm going to Special Beginnings, a midwifery practice near Annapolis, and I couldn't be happier with the care I've received there so far! The midwives are amazingly kind, gentle, knowledgeable, and take the time to answer your questions and concerns. I have yet to have an appointment that was shorter than 45 minutes, and I appreciate that they take the time with me (and all their patients, I'm sure!).
I keep reassuring myself of a few things: My body is meant to do this. It's fully capable, it's wise, it's totally preparing for this. And if my mom could do it (and she did, with three of us!), then I certainly can, too.
Childbirth itself is a scary thing, though, and I'm afraid I'm putting too much pressure on myself to do it the "right" way. As often as I say that I'm going to remain flexible and will do whatever is necessary, a big part of me is worried that I'll think less of myself if, heaven forbid, I need any interventions, interventions that I certainly don't want. I must be Super Labor Woman!
Another part of this doubt, I'm sure, comes from the fact that I'll be a working mother after Kit is born. After three months of maternity leave, I'll be driving our baby to a daycare close to my workplace and dropping Kit off to be cared for by this room of strangers and these other babies, hoping feverishly that Kit'll be in good hands while I bang away at a keyboard all day. Sure, there will be the hour-long break when I head over to feed and snuggle my baby, that one precious hour amidst eight, then it'll be back to work until the end of the day and another car ride home.
How can I be a good mom to my baby when Kit is cared for by other people for a majority of the day? How can I really bond with Kit when the only real time I get is at home, for those few precious hours? (Car rides don't count unless someone else is driving!)
Then sneak in the other expectations of being a mom in the 21st century -- perfectly clean home, well-kept children, a solid exercise routine, and culinary skills that would make Chef Ramsay look like a common line cook, because you know a mom ain't a good mom unless she fits both 1950s and current ideals of motherhood! -- and it's no wonder that I'm feeling like I'll likely be inadequate.
Sometimes, I'm even afraid that I won't love my child. Not just unconditionally, but in general. I have a difficult time connecting to people on that level, anyway, and to think that some describe that bond between them and their children as unwavering is... unnerving, to say the least. What if I don't feel that way?
I guess these are normal fears, and as this pregnancy progresses, I'll start to feel more at ease with them. Or I'll panic, whatever! :P
I think the gravity of everything, the whole "WHAT DID WE DOOOO" mindset, just hit me full force last night and I couldn't help but think about this -- not that it's the first time I have, but it's the first since we got our positive test, and considering how far along we already are and that we saw Kit recently (as beautiful and perfect as I knew Kit would be!), it was more real than ever.
And it's about to get even MORE real. And even more exciting. :)
You have, I promise you, absolutely nothing to worry about. Even when it comes to being a working mother. No one, not even the people your child spends the majority of the day with, will ever have the same bond, or the same strength bond, as you and Matt will have with him or her. That is YOUR child.
ReplyDeleteI went through many of the same fears and concerns. I went back to work when Bee was 5 weeks old and, even though I knew that she was safe in the care of my family, I still felt like I was doing something wrong. I hate to tell you, but that feeling never entirely goes away. Every single day, I worry that I am doing something wrong, or at least not doing something exactly right.
When it comes to labor and delivery, my advice is: Don't make a plan. Even the most well-laid plans change in the moment. And sometimes it's a good thing. I mean, think about it: You would not have been there with me when Bee was born if my plans had not had to change. But you were, and I would not have it any other way.
You are an amazing woman and you're going to be an amazing mother. Be flexible. Have no expectations. Just live in the moment. And, of course, if you ever need to talk, I'm only a phone call away. <3
I had very similar fears. I think that it is as much a part of the pregnancy process as all of the physical changes. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst mentally. I have no idea why.
ReplyDeleteAlso, 1950's ideals of motherhood (heck, of womanhood) are best served by setting them on fire and chucking them out the window :) I swear, you and Matt and Kit will be just fine being a 21st century family.
Interesting that you should write this on your blog now - I'm going through much of the same worries, and I'm already on the other end, with a 2 month old baby girl. I agree with the others though - you have nothing to worry about. Before having Emma I was superwoman - running around doing a million activities. Now things are different - I can't do as much as I used to - especially with a husband who is gone frequently - but I can't say I totally mind. Your life will change, but you'll embrace the change when you see your baby smile, or when you realize that you're the only one who can soothe their crying or really understand their needs. Its a a feeling that you can't really appreciate until you have your own child -at least I couldn't. I even look at other babies and kids differently now, b/c they remind me of Emma.
ReplyDeleteI'm also worried about daycare plans for Emma - and I have the opportunity to stay home for closer to 6 months and I'll be going back to work part time. But everyone does it, so I'm sure I too will get used to it. And as she gets older - I think learning from other people and being around other people and children will be good for her.
With the whole birth thing and motherhood I'd say to just stay flexible. You can have an idea about how you want things to go, but if they don't go the way you want they be ready to embrace the way they really go. And enjoy the journey! It's not always easy, but it is a lot of fun at times. :O)
We've discussed this before and you know my thoughts but I just want you to know that every expecting mom feels this way. And you will unfortunately continue to question whether you are doing a good job for the rest of your life. Life of a parent.
ReplyDeleteIn labor, you will do what you are capable of. If you need interventions, it's ok. And if you don't, then that's great too. What makes you a super woman is carrying that baby and bringing him or her into the world safely for both of you. Labor is intense, with or without drugs. Don't ever feel like if you get an epidural you are less of a mother.
Equally, regarding daycare, it will NOT affect your bonding with your child. You see how in love with Austin I am and he was 10 weeks old when he started daycare. And from experience, daycare is much easier on bonding than a family member watching him or her. He won't bond to daycare teachers like he will to you and family, trust me.
Love you. You're gonna be a great mom! Try not to get yourself too stressed about what is perceived as perfection and just go with what is right for you.
That is wonderful advice Risa. I couldn't have said it better myself.
ReplyDeleteI'll be short on this..all of us have our short coming...If you ask my son if there parents where perfect parents well hope they'd tell you the truth..no we were not perfect...As I look at them they our now good solid citizen and can function on there own.
ReplyDeletePlus no one perfect my son have there short comings.
You'll do just fine...Coffee is on.
I haven't announced it on my blog yet (waiting to see how it goes) but I am also pregnant (unexpectedly and at forty-six) so congrats to us! Also, I nominated your audacious blog again for The Witchy Blog Award:
ReplyDeletehttps://ayslynscorner.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/witchy-blog-award/
Thanks, Risa. :) This is very encouraging. I appreciate your insight as a working mom, too -- I think I'm most concerned about that. But I know Kit will fare well and we'll still have that bond!
ReplyDeleteI think it's so we're prepared either way, and if it turns out better, we're happily surprised. It's a bit fucked up, but there ya go!
ReplyDeleteAnd YES, I totally agree. :D I'm hoping we get along all right! If anything, no reverting back 60+ years for us. ;)