Like kismet, this showed up on my Facebook feed thanks to Dana, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was just musing this morning about the pound that I've gained already (11 weeks and finally gained something!), and about how my mind is already spiraling into this fucked up, terrible "but... but... the number's not supposed to go up!" mantra.
This stems for two different issues: My OCD, which tends to get stuck on and obsessed with loops like this anyway; and the fact that I lost so much weight between moving to MD and now (about 20-25lbs). To finally regain control of my body and somewhat of my mind, then to encounter something that'll force me to gain weight... it's making me really uncomfortable.
It's for good reason. I know this. I try to balance the one terrible mantra with this positive one every time it pops into my head. But I can't help but feel that, for all the years I had struggled to get my weight down, experiencing the opposite and knowing that it's inevitable (and, oddly, healthy!) is making me a little crazy.
And this is with a one-pound weight gain. A pound that I actually want to lose right now.
I'm almost worried about this becoming a disordered pattern of thinking, but the more I research, the more I realize that my fears aren't alone. Obviously, but you know it's always better to read (or hear) others' experiences alongside your own. :) So maybe it won't become disordered, maybe it'll just resolve itself by manifesting as an adorable baby belly and I won't worry nearly as much as I'm worried now, with very little to show but a bunch of bloat.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is healthy, the weight gain is to support Kit, and I really should be proud of my body for what it's doing and what it's creating. It means a few pounds of weight gain (though really, the idea of 25-35lbs by the end of this is a bit... scary, especially when I was freaking the fuck out at 145... without a baby!), but in the end, there can't be a perfect bundle of joy if there isn't anything to nourish it!
(Current weight, by the way: 127lbs.)
Boy, can I relate! Not like I'm anywhere near your current weight (heh), but I know the feeling of working so hard to get down to a certain weight, only to have something change that. Even though it's a *good* change, and even though there will be a beautiful baby at the end, it's still hard to remember that when you see the numbers on the scale go up. It's entirely mental.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, at least we're in it together? ;-)
NGL, I totally thought of you and your post the entire time I was writing this, wondering how you overcame it (and especially considering you had a much more fantastic journey compared to mine!). You're right that it's a good change, but man, it's hard to see it that way! I hope it changes later on down the road when I start to see the fruits of my... ahem, labors. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd truth! Thank heavens, too -- I don't know what I'd do without y'all! <3
I know how hard it is to reconcile with the weight gain after working so hard to loose weight. Prior to this pregnancy, I had lost about 40 pounds and it was a huge struggle to achieve that (it took a few years). I really didn't have morning sickness, just the occasional queasiness, so I gained right from the beginning. It was so very hard to just accept that it was GOOD weight gain until I had a noticeable baby bump. I don't even want to say how much I've gained - it's a frightening number to me, but I keep telling myself that a) it's for the baby, b) a good portion will come off after giving birth, and c) if I did it once, I can definitely loose the weight again.
ReplyDeleteSo hang in there, it does get easier to deal with, especially when Kit is large enough to be felt <3
I tend to worry more whether I gained enough pounds. 21 weeks and I was up (only) 7 pounds last week. Mind you I still run so my metabolism is still pretty high. Thankfully the ultrasound showed a little one measuring just a day ahead so I know I'm just fine. I was at a very happy weight when I got pregnant. I'm lucky that I haven't struggled much with body image during my life too.
ReplyDeleteI did react when the midwife told me I had a low BMI and therefore could gain up to 40 pounds. Err I hope I don't gain that much I told her. I mean if that's what the baby needs sure, but I doubt that's the case.
What's important to remember is that you want to eat healthy. The healthy habits you are building now can only benefit your child. And yeah for being almost 12 weeks.
Oh by the way, you may see a pouch and feel it's visible. Trust me people don't see it! I'm 21 weeks and only people who know I'm pregnant have made comments so far. I think some people just think I swallowed a box of doughnuts still!!! :D
You're absolutely right! And that's what I'm trying to tell myself, too: That every pound gained is good for (and probably consists of) baby, so I should accept each one.
ReplyDeleteIt's very hard to accept, and I worry about every time I see the number (it's now up 2lbs! Yikes!) and start thinking, "Oh, I really should watch what I'm eating." Which is true as to quality, as sugar isn't really, yanno... healthy, but definitely not as to quantity. Bah!
:HUGS!: Thanks, hon, that's very helpful! :)
Ah, if only I had that problem! I'm in the BMI range just over yours, so I'm expected to gain 25-35lbs over the course of the pregnancy, with a preferred 30-lb gain. That just makes me nervous! I'm trying to keep the eating in check, and now that I'm feeling better (both sick- and m/s-wise), I'm really looking forward to more fruits and veggies. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I feel like I totally popped over the weekend! I had a bunch of what I'd call "growing pains", and yesterday, DH and I noticed a HUGE difference in my belly, despite no additional gain yet. It looks gigantic! You're probably right that he and I are likely the only ones who notice, though. XD