Relactation Journey: Day 30 - Made it a month!

I have thoroughly impressed myself, I must say. I went from making not even a single drop of milk to getting over 3oz in a single day! Granted, it's not enough to provide Tycho with even a full feeding, but it's something! I'm really proud of all my body has done to bring back its milk, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it long enough to see results.

We also crossed a really difficult bridge: Latching. We visited an IBCLC on Monday, and she was invaluable to getting Tycho hooked to the boob. While Tycho has had no interest in the bare breast, she put a nipple shield on, and he latched with no problem! Since he had eaten about an hour prior, he was on simply for comfort, but he was still there! And he was getting milk out, too -- as he pulled away, there were several drops left behind. I even heard swallowing!

I have some mixed feelings about the latch, though. I tried a few more times after Monday, and while we've been mostly successful (though to you relactating mamas out there: Note that this is VERY difficult, especially when baby is hungry, so best to wait until baby is mostly full to try this out at first), I've harbored some feelings that were the direct opposite of bonding.

Similar to when he was first born, when Tycho did latch on and, with all other difficulties aside, I had this uneasy feeling that continued to grow until I felt the inexplicable need to hook my finger in his mouth and break the seal. I've been mulling over my feelings ever since -- after all, breastfeeding is, while inherently difficult, supposed to provide you with a bonding experience that bottle-feeding can't match, right?

So why was I feeling so trapped, so claustrophobic, so... wrong?



When I was 18, I was sexually assaulted by a former coworker twice my age. I was pretty innocent and naive at the time, having mayyyyybe only reached second base prior to this encounter, so I was left feeling dirty and used for a very long time. While I'm now mostly over it, there are apparently a lot of lingering feelings regarding my bodily autonomy, including my breasts.

My story is not at all unique; in fact, in being open about my experiences, I've come across many women (some of whom have children and have made their own breastfeeding or bottle-feeding choices, perhaps as a result of the abuse or otherwise) who shared the same story. It absolutely breaks my heart that organizations such as La Leche League and others have to publish articles about breastfeeding and sexual abuse survivors. It's a topic that we shouldn't have to touch on because, in a perfect world, there'd be no sexual abuse!

But it's there, and as a result, we must battle it... and many women must battle their own demons.

Not all sexual abuse survivors are going to have the same experiences as I'm currently having; they might find that they can't breastfeed, are reluctant to breastfeed, or are proud to breastfeed, depending upon how they personally react to the act itself. But for me, breastfeeding is bringing up a lot of otherwise deeply buried emotions and feelings about my body, things that I thought I had long since overcome.

This hasn't been a reason for me to stop trying, though, and throughout this week, I did try. Each latch, though, brought the feelings on stronger every time -- I wasn't feeling physical pain (in fact, with the nipple shield, I dare say it was comfortable!), but I was feeling very deep emotional pain with each suck, each twiddle.

Considering this may be a huge reason why I will not be able to continue feeding Tycho from the breast, I think the most valuable thing for me to remember is in that Pandora's Project article:

You may find yourself saying or thinking things like "I'm not a good mother as I don't want to breast feed". This is NOT true. Breastfeeding is ONE aspect of motherhood – and it certainly does not determine who is a good mother and who is a bad mother. Baby's need food to thrive….and they generally are not too bothered where this food comes from!! Feeding your infant is a necessity and should also be a pleasurable experience – and children will still thrive on formula milk!

(Underlined emphasis mine.)

I realize there are many ways in which we can counter this issue: I could breastfeed in a darker environment (the abuse happened during daylight hours); I could put some additional space between myself and Tycho, either physically or by using a blanket or towel between us; I could -- and have needed to, even with a bottle -- hold his hand so it doesn't move as much or twiddle when feeding; I could use distraction with a book or TV; I could pump and feed him (which is a very viable option, but more on that in a couple days...). And in fact, I'd encourage any mother who has suffered sexual abuse to experiment, if breastfeeding is what she really wants.

There are also several success stories of sexual abuse survivors who not only found that breastfeeding went well, but that they enjoyed it. And to those women, I say, ROCK ON! I'm so happy that it worked out and that they overcame what I see as an incredible hurdle, both from a feeding standpoint and as a potential bodily autonomy issue.

For me, though, and for other women who feel the same, the most comfortable thing is to feed with a bottle. And there's no problem with that! It doesn't make me less of a mother, and in fact, if I find myself bonding more with him as the nipple of a bottle rather than my breast is in his mouth, and if he's getting adequate nutrition and (most importantly!) lots of love from me, then it makes me more of a mother. Especially to my baby boy.

I may try breastfeeding with #2, notably if it's a girl (I may have different feelings with the different sex, who knows). I do, however, have the wisdom now to know that it's not how, or with what, you feed your baby... so long as he's being fed with love and care. :)

Now to tell my lactation consultant... oy vey.