The Working Mama and the SAHM Guilt

Like most other pregnancy-, childbirth-, and parenting-related topics, the subject of being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom is always contentious. And I mean, always. When I was a part of LiveJournal, I remember several communities either dedicated to debating such subjects or that talked about such things so often that they may as well been debate communities.

And working mamas are no exception!

I won't lie, when we first started talking about having kids, I was pretty determined to be a SAHM until the child was old enough to go to daycare at DH's place of employment. Dead-set, I'd even say. Part of it was because I had very specific ideas about how children should be raised -- that is to say, I strongly believed there should be one parent at home until they were old enough to attend elementary school. DH was against that idea, so rather than concede entirely, we compromised and said I would be a SAHM until the child turned two and was eligible for daycare.

The other part? I hated my job and wanted to find an excuse to get out of it. There, I said it. I would have much rather taken two years off and struggled to get another job than merely take maternity leave where I was when we started talking about it.

Then... I got a new job, one that I absolutely love. And everything changed. Suddenly, the idea of losing this job by taking more than federally-allowed maternity leave wasn't as appealing as before, knowing full well that I would very likely not get another job even close to this one, and I struggled with the thought of putting our child in infant daycare after a mere three months at home with our baby.

I'm warming up to the idea, though. There are daycare facilities within five minutes from my job, and my employers are understanding enough to allow for time to visit the baby, have lunchtime and breastfeed, and even set aside a place at work to pump. (We haven't actually talked about the last -- a bit premature considering we're not even pregnant yet, so it's a discussion we need to have when appropriate! -- but they're accommodating and wouldn't have a problem.)

Of course, this means changing my mind about how being a working mom can actually benefit my children. I grew up in a home with a SAHM and I obviously saw the benefit of that; I came home every day from school to a parent ready and waiting for me. But my own mom didn't work outside the home until just before I graduated high school, so I really didn't have a clue as to how my friends, the "latchkey kids" who grew up in daycares and after-school care or would be on their own until their parents came home from work, really did it.

So of course, I did some research on why it would be a good thing to have a parent (or both parents) at work. The benefits of having a parent at home are pretty obvious, but those of having a working mom aren't so apparent:

There are two parents to "pick up the slack".

This is assuming, of course, that there are two parents at all, but let's consider my own family, small as it currently is. Both DH and I work full-time and have been since we've been together, which is obviously a good thing from a bringin'-home-the-bacon (or "fake-con", in my case?) perspective. But there have been two times when I was laid off, either because a temp job ended or because my firm was cutting back, and we had to depend on DH's income for a short time until I got a job. We were incredibly lucky that we were both employed for a bit, and when I wasn't bringing anything in as a sole breadwinner, we weren't left with nothing.

If I were a SAHM and DH was laid off for some reason, or if he quit to pursue something different and had a hard time with it, or if he decided to become a circus performer or some other crazy stunt, we'd be left in the pits. And let's face it... the recession has been hitting men especially hard, already being dubbed the "mancession". DH's job is pretty much bulletproof, but it's always good to have a backup! And if I enjoy my job, even better.

Having one income is hard enough, as we both well know... but having no income at all would devastate us and our little family. It's kind of comforting to know that, if anything should happen to one of us, the other has the means to get us through a rough patch.

What's good for DH is good for me.

What I mean by this is, it's better for our relationship! When I wasn't working, even for those brief periods, our relationship felt a little rocky because, even though I was contributing around the house and doing the best I could, DH sometimes discounted those contributions as I was "just sitting around at home." Of course, he knew better than that, but it still felt like he was pulling most of the weight.

And I felt that way, too.

When we're both working, we tend to appreciate how much we're putting into the relationship and we develop more of a symbiotic thing. I realize this isn't the same for everyone, but it's nice to know that he's willing to help around the house after an 8-hour day at work just as I am, and in some way, it makes me appreciate what he does and makes him appreciate what I do for us. When kids come into the picture? It'll be a relief to know that he's also willing to help out with them after we've both had a long day at work.

In "Separate Spheres v. Shared Lives", traditional marriages are compared to modern marriages. While the study admits that those in modern marriages may not necessarily be happier, it does state that they are more stable. I consider DH and me fortunate that we're both! :)

I'm much more satisfied when I'm working.

Let's face it: I don't have three degrees so I can just be a SAHM and struggle to find work afterward. I'm pretty career-driven and feel most utilized and at my best when I'm employed. Sure, this may be a "selfish" outlook, but if I'm happy, then my children will be happy!

Truth be told, especially since I'm in a career that I love and a place of employment I love even more, if I had to stay home and potentially give all that up while DH got to resume his life as normal (well, as normal as it can get, at least at work), I'd feel pretty shafted. There will be days, I'm sure, when I look at our baby and think, How can I possibly leave you for eight or more hours a day? I may even feel guilty about it!

But in the long run, staying at work -- at least for me -- is for the better. I'd remain in the same career and job that I find personal pride in, and every other spare moment would be spent enjoying the time with our baby. When that baby grows up and goes to daycare with DH and eventually to school, I'll have a place to go (and a place I love to go) during the day, knowing that I can spend just as much time with the child when we return home.

I really want to protect my career and my current station in life, and knowing that I have this job to return to and keep well into our child's school career is well worth the eight hours spent away from my baby. Especially when I'll cherish all the other moments I'll have!

We'd be on equal footing. (And yes, this is a feminist thing.*)

When I look around, I often see women sacrificing one for another, which is more astute when they want to do both: They are either home with the kids and struggling to "come to terms" with a lost career, or they are at work and miserable about having too much to worry about the kids when they get home. They're stuck, often overwhelmed, and feeling like there's no way out.

While I know this isn't how all SAHMs and working moms feel, it's what I sense a lot of the time. Maybe it my field (legal/law) or maybe it's just across the board, but I always feel like women are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to children and careers.

When I say "we'd be on equal footing, I mean in all regards, not just in our careers. DH would help out equally with work, children, housekeeping, and anything else that needed to be done around the house; it wouldn't just be on my shoulders. If either one of us expects me to work, then both of us should expect both of us to share responsibilities.

I don't want to quit, and therefore I will not quit. But I'd expect DH to help, and he's already made it abundantly clear that he will, both in his current daily actions and in talking about raising future kids. I might have to really work on the whole changing diapers thing, though... ;)

The kids are all right.

My main concern in all this? Not really whether I'm working, but childcare. I mean, you're leaving your child with other people for at least eight hours a day! What are you missing? What aren't you enjoying? Is your child doing well? Does he or she need mommy right the eff now? How hard will it be to hand your child over for so long, much less at all?

I never went to childcare... never had a need. When I talked to friends in elementary school, they either begrudgingly told me about having to go to after-school care when they just wanted to go home, or they bragged about getting to hang out with their friends at the same after-school care. I grew up confused, torn between wanting to go to the comforts of home and feeling jealous that these kids had time to spend with friends while I was stuck at home.

So of course, I wonder the same about my kids: How are they going to feel when they're in daycare? Will they be able to handle it? Will their lives be so much different because someone else took care of them while I was at work?

In 1991, the same time I entered elementary school, the NICHD started conducting a sixteen-year study on childcare experiences, childcare characteristics, and children's developmental outcomes. In short, "Children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not develop differently than those who were also cared for by others."

Of course, there are quite a few factors to consider such as the quality of the childcare, but consider my fears assuaged! Childcare isn't nearly as terrible as I initially thought, and who knows... maybe our children will turn out better for it! Especially if mama is happier with her own life and can share that joy with her children when she does have them... :)



*Not to discount, of course, that being a SAHM is a feminist thing as well! IMO, choosing what's best for you is a clearly feminist act in itself, whether that means staying home or working outside the home or even working in the home.