Struggling

I feel like such a slump recently. This year has been incredibly busy around here: My job is really picking up, I'm helping my sister and her fiance plan their wedding for the end of this year or so, we're doing a lot of traveling for various reasons (family, vacations, work-related), I've got a side project that is currently in the works, and I've been trying to get out a little more because, let's face it, I'm kind of a hermit.

As a result, though, I feel that other things are slipping through the cracks, namely my spirituality. I haven't nurtured it like I've wanted to since moving out of Florida, and it's definitely having its toll on me. I feel very disconnected, separate from my faith and the community with which I share my faith (some of whom are you, my lovely readers and friends!). My vegetarianism has kind of taken center stage recently, and I want to achieve more of a balance, especially because I believe in putting as much effort into your spiritual health as you would your physical health, as they both lend to your overall health!

This is probably the main reason why I've started the Pagan Blog Project 2012 this year. Hosted by Rowan Pendragon, the Project encourages you to post once a week on a certain letter -- last week (and the week prior) was "B", which led to my Body Art post and several related posts by other bloggers. She also sends out emails with words of wisdom, helpful tips, and that week's letter and some possibilities to ponder.

I'm hoping this can help me find more focus in my faith. I mean, Imbolc is in just a few days, and I have nothing to show for it! (Not that I do a lot of celebrating for the Sabbats, anyway, which is something I need to work on as well.) For some reason, this feels a lot more significant than before -- rather than just throwing something together, I really believe I should be putting forth more effort not only into celebrations, but into my daily my daily Pagan life.

So it begins. Hopefully this project will make me feel more attuned with the earth and with my spirituality, and maybe it'll actually serve as a better guide to my personal faith.

(image via...)

Body Art: The Magick and the Permanence (Pagan Blog Project 2012)

I’m deathly afraid of needles but I've always wanted to get a tattoo, so for my 22nd birthday, my now-husband surprised me by paying for my first (and currently only) traipse into the world of permanent body art. I stressed for weeks as I figured out what I wanted, then worked for about an hour with a tattoo artist to create the perfect design. I twisted my fingers as I waited for my turn, maybe did a nervous shit (ha!), and finally lay down as the artist gave me both a piece of art to last a lifetime and an incredibly adrenaline rush to boot.

The inspiration for my tattoo came from my Pagan journey so far and my thoughts on how I’ve changed over the years. To many people, my tattoo is a simple Costa Rican tree frog; to me, it’s a symbol of evolution, of transformation, of growth from a baby Catholic tadpole to the mature Pagan frog I am today... an identity which continues to grow as each layer of skin is shed to reveal a new, more enlightened frog. I prefer to see my frog from an Olmec point of view: The “God of rebirth”, reborn after consuming itself and thus caught up in the never-ending cycle of life and death.

And it’s no coincidence that early Christianity often referred to frogs as the “witches’ familiar”. ;)

Like many body art enthusiasts, my tattoo was a deliberate chosen act, meant to be representative of a certain point in my life. Tattooing is much more than an art form, exemplified by its roots: A Eurasian practice since Neolithic times, tattoos have been used for purposes in medicine, war, power, criminal punishment, respect for the dead, growth and maturity, and other applications, with different cultures often having different significances and stigmas attached to the practice.

A Brief History of Tattooing in 150 Words (no less!)

The first recorded application of tattoos was on Ötzi the Iceman, a mummified body from approximately 3300 BCE found in the Ötz valley in the Alps. He had approximately 57 carbon tattoos consisting of simple dots and lines on his lower spine, behind his left knee, and on his right ankle; it’s surmised that these tattoos were used as a form of healing as their placement resembles acupuncture. Mummies dating from the end of the second millennium BCE have been discovered all over the world.

The history of tattooing is far too extensive to ever put into a blog post, so I urge you to check out ways in which different cultures use tattooing. For sake of brevity, I’m going to skip over a few (hundred) generations of this history and arrive to present-day tattooing and applicable religious connotations. :)

Today’s tattooing practice has origins in Polynesia; Europeans discovered the Polynesians’ art forms and mimicked their practices, which attracted much interest at exhibits, fairs, and circuses in Europe and the United States in the 18th and 19th centuries. Tattoo “parlors” started to spring up all over the world, and the invention of the first electric tattooing instrument in 1891 made the practice really take off.

Tattooing and Religion

While many ancient religious and cultural groups encouraged tattooing for one reason or another, there are a few that abstain from and even abhor the practice as it lends to a decidedly Pagan bent. Then there are others that encourage the practice, deeming tattoos to have magic(k)al or spiritual origin and meaning.

Judaism

Leviticus 19:28 prohibits getting tattoos: “Do not make gashes in your skin for the dead. Do not make any marks on your skin. I am God.” While the ancient practice of rubbing ashes of the dead into cut skin is an obvious interpretation of this halakha (Jewish law), modern tattooing is included in other interpretations by Orthodox and Traditional Jews.

The Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah, known as the Code of Jewish Law and a compilation of halakha by Rabbi Jacob ben Asher, also prohibits markings on the body beyond the ancient practice in 180:1. Conservative Jews point to the subsequent verse, which states that “[i]f [the tattoo] was done in the flesh of another, the one to whom it was done is blameless”, to say that tattooing yourself is different from obtaining a tattoo, and therefore the latter is acceptable. This is rejected by Orthodox Jews, however, reading instead that this refers to forced tattooing as was done during the Holocaust; due to its forced nature, it would not be considered a violation of Jewish Law on the part of the victim.

To disassociate from other religions, Judaism also prohibited tattoos since it was common practice for ancient pagan worshipers to tattoo themselves with religious iconography and the names of gods.

While having a tattoo does not prohibit participation in most sectors of the religious Jewish community, the Modern Orthodox community accepts laser removal of a tattoo as teshuvah (repentance), even when removed post-mortem.

Then there’s Reform and Reconstructionist Jews, which neither condemn nor condone tattooing.

Christianity

The same Leviticus verse is often cited by Christians to prohibit tattooing, while those Christians that have superseded the Old Testament with the New sometimes still find explicit or implicit directives in scripture, ecclesiastical law, or church-originated social policy against tattooing.

As Christianization spread among aboriginal and indigenous people, a decline in tattooing also occurred simultaneously as the practice was considered to be a “pagan” or “heathen” activity and was forbidden.

Catholic teachings regarding tattooing are actually rather interesting: There are no prohibitions, and the act of getting a tattoo “for the sake of God”, as the Catholic council of Calcuth stated in 786 CE, was commended as praiseworthy. (This is probably why my parents didn’t spazz too much when they discovered both my sister and I were tattooed.)

Islam

Tattoos are forbidden and even considered a sin in Sunni Islam pursuant to the Sahih Bujhari, as it changes the creation of God: “The Prophet forbade [...] mutilation (or maiming) of bodies.”

Buddhism

Sak Yant Temple tattoos, inked by Buddhist monks, Brahman priests, and Ruesi ascetics, are made of Sak Yant designs to carry protection. This practice is done in Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, and Myanmar. Some Thais believe that protection against enemies is imbued within you when done by a Buddhist monk.

The tools are not at all comfortable; in ancient times, monks used a very hard Rattan tree thorn sharpened to a point and measuring up to three feet in length, while modern tools include sharpened umbrella spikes and coffin nails picked up after a traditional cremation, each of which would be sharpened and attached to the end of a stick for use. These practices vary from temple to temple and with each Yant master.

The inks also vary, from the ancient use of sap from a rare tree found in the east area of Thiland muxed with a small amount of snake venom and cooked to a black pigment, to the use of Chinese ink mixed with aromatic oils and whiskey.

After the tattooing, during which a unique design, method, and meaning is imprinted into the skin, the monk provides a particular kataa, or prayer, to accompany the work. The monk speaks the kataa so that the words blow over into the newly inscribed tattoo, awakening the power within it. The Sak Yant is then said to become alive and to continue growing with its owner for the rest of his life.

I won’t lie, the practice makes me cringe and gives me other visceral reactions, but I completely respect its background, reverence, and spiritual meaning behind these ancient tattoos. ;)

Tattooing, Magick, and Modern Witchcraft

Many Pagans are fully aware of the power of symbols, having used them in their rituals, worship, and magick. Chances are, you’ve come across people in the Pagan community with at least one tattoo adorning their body, whether it is a pentacle, crescent moons, Celtic knot work, a representation of the Goddess or Green Man... the list goes on and on. There are also the less Pagan-identified tattoos such as my own, where totem animals, flora and fauna, ankhs and other Egyptian designs, and other symbols are used.

These tattoos are chosen with purpose, of course, knowing that their symbolism is not only representative of their faith, but of their personal views on that faith, too, to represent one’s growth and experience in one’s Pagan journey. Their permanence lends another story, one which exemplifies how permanent one’s decisions can be in one’s life, including the decision to follow a certain religious or spiritual path.

The actual act of getting a tattoo can be a magickal experience in itself, not just what the symbol means to a person after the fact. Consider for a moment a few things when obtaining a tattoo:

• Pain is inevitably involved, which is a useful way for you to attain a trance-like state for magickal workings. (If getting a larger tattoo, you might want to consider a friend driving you home...)

• Shedding blood is also inevitable; as the needle pierces through several layers of your skin, droplets of blood appear on the surface, a symbol of your connection to life.

• The tattoo is “anointed” afterward with water to cleanse it and begin the healing process. If you desire, you might ask the artist to allow you to bless the water beforehand, thereby additionally charging the tattoo with your energy.

Do you have a tattoo? What meaning does it hold for you?

 

Sources

• Animals and Witchcraft: Frog and Toad


• Ask the Rabbi: Are Tattoos Forbidden?


• Encyclopedia Britannica: Tattoo (Body Decoration)


• Finding My Religion


• Sacred Skin: Tattoos in Modern Paganism


• Sak Yant Thai Tattoos

Pagan kids in the news: Children and religious discrimination

There's been quite a buzz recently surrounding Pagan and other alternate-faith students in public schools:

• Atheist Teen Defeats High School Prayer Banner (Examiner.com, 12 January 2012)
  An Atheist teenager had to bring her high school to district court after a prayer mural, which makes mention of "Our Heavenly Father", was posted in the hallway. Her suit challenged the constitutionality of having such a mural adorn the walls of her school, and with the help of the ACLU, the mural was ruled unconstitutional and gave the school ten days to remove it.


• Related: Christians Bombard Teen Activist with Hate and Abuse (Examiner.com, 13 January 2012)
  In response to her suit, several Bible-beaters have come to attack her, even threatening bodily harm against her. (This is currently under investigation.) Comments like "Hmm jess is in my bio class, she's gonna get some sh*t thrown at her" and "shes not human shes garbage" become standard.


• Quick Response by Local School Over Pagan Necklace (PNC - Minnesota Bureau, 17 January 2012)
  A 4th-grade student in Minnesota was told by a substitute teacher that she had to tuck her pentacle necklace into her shirt “because things like that should be kept to yourself”, despite the same request not being made to those of other faith who were also wearing religious jewelry. When her mother brought the issue up with the principal, she was told that "the substitute teacher will not be teaching at Galtier any longer and the likelihood exists that he will no longer be teaching in the St. Paul Public Schools." Thought I'd balance all this sobering news with something more positive. :)


• Pagan Mom Challenges Bible Giveaway at North Carolina School (FoxNews.com, 19 January 2012)
  When her son came home with a Bible given to him by school officials, a Pagan mother challenges the giveaway with one of her own: Pagan spell books. She was turned away despite being assured that the school would make available religious texts donated by any groups. The district later announced that "Buncombe County School officials are currently reviewing relevant policies and practices with school board attorneys. During this review period, no school in the system will be accepting donations of materials that could be viewed as advocating a particular religion or belief."

[caption id="attachment_1087" align="aligncenter" width="401" caption="Photo: PNC-Minnesota"][/caption]

While I'd love to say that all this commotion was for good reason, as you can tell from the above examples from just this past week, with the exception of one article and the original of another, it was all the same: Routine discrimination and hate from those in a religious majority against those in a religious minority, especially after an open display from said religious majority. It's honestly becoming kind of boring ol' stuff to read about again and again.

It always concerns me when the news circles around public schools and around children. It's one thing to have adults (using that word lightly) beat each other up with nasty words and hurled insults when it comes to a particular faith, but it's another to encourage children to do the same and even be instigators by leaving Bibles in public schools, asking a child of a non-Abrahamic faith to hide who they are, and posting signage in obvious favor of one faith over another. That shit sickens me on so many levels.

In my opinion, unless a child wants to quietly express his or her own faith through the wearing of a piece of non-offensive religious jewelry of his or her own choice, there shouldn't exist any material on religion at all unless they are all represented -- a lofty goal indeed, considering how many faiths there are in this country, much less the world. These schools are public establishments funded by taxpayers of different faiths as well as those of no faith. To favor one over another -- and it appears that one faith in particular is favored -- you're sending a very powerful message to those who do practice the faith ("Yours is the only one that matters") and to those who practice another or none at all ("Your thinking is wrong" or "I don't really care what you believe").

As someone who will raise her eventual children in a home that is not only interfaith, but that houses two minority faith systems to boot (let's face it, Judaism isn't a huge religion, and Paganism certainly ain't!), I'd personally be livid if my children came home with either of those possible thoughts in their head and in their hearts! I'd feel like they were trying to force my child into hiding if they came home with their religious regalia, should they be wearing any, tucked into their shirts or their pockets or otherwise confiscated. And I'd be conflicted if they came home with religious texts, not because I wouldn't be approving of them -- after all, I do plan on raising our children with age-appropriate knowledge of many different religious texts -- but because they came from a public school where I expect them to be learning reading, writing, and arithmetic, not being offered theology or texts discussing that kind of material.

And I would expect any other parent, future or current, would feel the same! Just as I would be uncomfortable with my child coming home with a Bible, so would another non-Pagan parent with her child coming home with a Cunningham book. Just as I would want my own religion respected by not having others shoved down my child's throat, so would another parent regarding respect for her religion and her child. Just as I will strive to teach my child religious tolerance and acceptance, so would another parent (I hope) to her own children so that, when our children meet up one day on the playground or the school gym or on the street, neither one feels superior or ashamed.

Religious education is my job and the job of the religious educators I first choose for my children and those my children will eventually choose for themselves. It is not the school system's moral nor social responsibility to teach my children religious messages, instill religious values, or provide them with religious texts, whether any of these be conflicting or not.

One day, my children will become adults and be thrust into the cold, unfeeling world that is religious discrimination, whether they want to or not. No matter what faith to which they grow up to belong, even if that religion is that of the majority, they will experience this discrimination every day of their lives either by belonging to the group being bruised by hateful words or to the group that is hurling such massive, unforgiving stones. I hope they will become adults with enough foresight, intelligence, and love to handle these daily trials with grace and serenity.

But until then, I would much prefer if they had at least one "safe haven" from all that mess: At school.

The Working Mama and the SAHM Guilt

Like most other pregnancy-, childbirth-, and parenting-related topics, the subject of being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom is always contentious. And I mean, always. When I was a part of LiveJournal, I remember several communities either dedicated to debating such subjects or that talked about such things so often that they may as well been debate communities.

And working mamas are no exception!

I won't lie, when we first started talking about having kids, I was pretty determined to be a SAHM until the child was old enough to go to daycare at DH's place of employment. Dead-set, I'd even say. Part of it was because I had very specific ideas about how children should be raised -- that is to say, I strongly believed there should be one parent at home until they were old enough to attend elementary school. DH was against that idea, so rather than concede entirely, we compromised and said I would be a SAHM until the child turned two and was eligible for daycare.

The other part? I hated my job and wanted to find an excuse to get out of it. There, I said it. I would have much rather taken two years off and struggled to get another job than merely take maternity leave where I was when we started talking about it.

Then... I got a new job, one that I absolutely love. And everything changed. Suddenly, the idea of losing this job by taking more than federally-allowed maternity leave wasn't as appealing as before, knowing full well that I would very likely not get another job even close to this one, and I struggled with the thought of putting our child in infant daycare after a mere three months at home with our baby.

I'm warming up to the idea, though. There are daycare facilities within five minutes from my job, and my employers are understanding enough to allow for time to visit the baby, have lunchtime and breastfeed, and even set aside a place at work to pump. (We haven't actually talked about the last -- a bit premature considering we're not even pregnant yet, so it's a discussion we need to have when appropriate! -- but they're accommodating and wouldn't have a problem.)

Of course, this means changing my mind about how being a working mom can actually benefit my children. I grew up in a home with a SAHM and I obviously saw the benefit of that; I came home every day from school to a parent ready and waiting for me. But my own mom didn't work outside the home until just before I graduated high school, so I really didn't have a clue as to how my friends, the "latchkey kids" who grew up in daycares and after-school care or would be on their own until their parents came home from work, really did it.

So of course, I did some research on why it would be a good thing to have a parent (or both parents) at work. The benefits of having a parent at home are pretty obvious, but those of having a working mom aren't so apparent:

There are two parents to "pick up the slack".

This is assuming, of course, that there are two parents at all, but let's consider my own family, small as it currently is. Both DH and I work full-time and have been since we've been together, which is obviously a good thing from a bringin'-home-the-bacon (or "fake-con", in my case?) perspective. But there have been two times when I was laid off, either because a temp job ended or because my firm was cutting back, and we had to depend on DH's income for a short time until I got a job. We were incredibly lucky that we were both employed for a bit, and when I wasn't bringing anything in as a sole breadwinner, we weren't left with nothing.

If I were a SAHM and DH was laid off for some reason, or if he quit to pursue something different and had a hard time with it, or if he decided to become a circus performer or some other crazy stunt, we'd be left in the pits. And let's face it... the recession has been hitting men especially hard, already being dubbed the "mancession". DH's job is pretty much bulletproof, but it's always good to have a backup! And if I enjoy my job, even better.

Having one income is hard enough, as we both well know... but having no income at all would devastate us and our little family. It's kind of comforting to know that, if anything should happen to one of us, the other has the means to get us through a rough patch.

What's good for DH is good for me.

What I mean by this is, it's better for our relationship! When I wasn't working, even for those brief periods, our relationship felt a little rocky because, even though I was contributing around the house and doing the best I could, DH sometimes discounted those contributions as I was "just sitting around at home." Of course, he knew better than that, but it still felt like he was pulling most of the weight.

And I felt that way, too.

When we're both working, we tend to appreciate how much we're putting into the relationship and we develop more of a symbiotic thing. I realize this isn't the same for everyone, but it's nice to know that he's willing to help around the house after an 8-hour day at work just as I am, and in some way, it makes me appreciate what he does and makes him appreciate what I do for us. When kids come into the picture? It'll be a relief to know that he's also willing to help out with them after we've both had a long day at work.

In "Separate Spheres v. Shared Lives", traditional marriages are compared to modern marriages. While the study admits that those in modern marriages may not necessarily be happier, it does state that they are more stable. I consider DH and me fortunate that we're both! :)

I'm much more satisfied when I'm working.

Let's face it: I don't have three degrees so I can just be a SAHM and struggle to find work afterward. I'm pretty career-driven and feel most utilized and at my best when I'm employed. Sure, this may be a "selfish" outlook, but if I'm happy, then my children will be happy!

Truth be told, especially since I'm in a career that I love and a place of employment I love even more, if I had to stay home and potentially give all that up while DH got to resume his life as normal (well, as normal as it can get, at least at work), I'd feel pretty shafted. There will be days, I'm sure, when I look at our baby and think, How can I possibly leave you for eight or more hours a day? I may even feel guilty about it!

But in the long run, staying at work -- at least for me -- is for the better. I'd remain in the same career and job that I find personal pride in, and every other spare moment would be spent enjoying the time with our baby. When that baby grows up and goes to daycare with DH and eventually to school, I'll have a place to go (and a place I love to go) during the day, knowing that I can spend just as much time with the child when we return home.

I really want to protect my career and my current station in life, and knowing that I have this job to return to and keep well into our child's school career is well worth the eight hours spent away from my baby. Especially when I'll cherish all the other moments I'll have!

We'd be on equal footing. (And yes, this is a feminist thing.*)

When I look around, I often see women sacrificing one for another, which is more astute when they want to do both: They are either home with the kids and struggling to "come to terms" with a lost career, or they are at work and miserable about having too much to worry about the kids when they get home. They're stuck, often overwhelmed, and feeling like there's no way out.

While I know this isn't how all SAHMs and working moms feel, it's what I sense a lot of the time. Maybe it my field (legal/law) or maybe it's just across the board, but I always feel like women are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to children and careers.

When I say "we'd be on equal footing, I mean in all regards, not just in our careers. DH would help out equally with work, children, housekeeping, and anything else that needed to be done around the house; it wouldn't just be on my shoulders. If either one of us expects me to work, then both of us should expect both of us to share responsibilities.

I don't want to quit, and therefore I will not quit. But I'd expect DH to help, and he's already made it abundantly clear that he will, both in his current daily actions and in talking about raising future kids. I might have to really work on the whole changing diapers thing, though... ;)

The kids are all right.

My main concern in all this? Not really whether I'm working, but childcare. I mean, you're leaving your child with other people for at least eight hours a day! What are you missing? What aren't you enjoying? Is your child doing well? Does he or she need mommy right the eff now? How hard will it be to hand your child over for so long, much less at all?

I never went to childcare... never had a need. When I talked to friends in elementary school, they either begrudgingly told me about having to go to after-school care when they just wanted to go home, or they bragged about getting to hang out with their friends at the same after-school care. I grew up confused, torn between wanting to go to the comforts of home and feeling jealous that these kids had time to spend with friends while I was stuck at home.

So of course, I wonder the same about my kids: How are they going to feel when they're in daycare? Will they be able to handle it? Will their lives be so much different because someone else took care of them while I was at work?

In 1991, the same time I entered elementary school, the NICHD started conducting a sixteen-year study on childcare experiences, childcare characteristics, and children's developmental outcomes. In short, "Children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not develop differently than those who were also cared for by others."

Of course, there are quite a few factors to consider such as the quality of the childcare, but consider my fears assuaged! Childcare isn't nearly as terrible as I initially thought, and who knows... maybe our children will turn out better for it! Especially if mama is happier with her own life and can share that joy with her children when she does have them... :)



*Not to discount, of course, that being a SAHM is a feminist thing as well! IMO, choosing what's best for you is a clearly feminist act in itself, whether that means staying home or working outside the home or even working in the home.

Whether or not I'm pregnant...

... my boobies? Are AMAZING right now. Big and beautiful, haha, which is very unlike them. This is a side effect, either of pregnancy or of PMS, that I am absolutely enjoying.

The tenderness? Or the little blue veins? Not so much.

But man, they're huge. :D

First test today (Saturday)...

It's actually around 8:45pm on 13 January, despite this post going up at about 6am on 14 January. By the time you guys see this post, I'll be about 45 minutes from taking my first pregnancy test.

I've been wanting to do this for DAYS, you guys. Seriously, days. Which I'm sure comes as no surprise. ;) DH wanted me to wait until Sunday (11DPO), but I'm actually really anticipating testing tomorrow, when I initially wanted to. I have a couple $tree tests, and I bought some FRERs, too. If I get a positive with the $tree test, then I'll use a FRER to be like "YESSS"... and either way, I'm going to use a FRER tomorrow (Sunday) morning.

**WARNING: These are very deep, emotional thoughts coming up. Please respect this if you're considering commenting with anything that even closely resembles a lecture or "reality check." Thanks.**

When we first started TTC a few weeks ago, I was still a bit ambivalent about getting pregnant. As the days have gone on, and the wait has caused me to become infinitely more anxious, I realized just how much I really wanted to be pregnant and start a family. On my drive home from work, I was considering the possibility of not being pregnant this month (and there's always a chance!), and I actually kind of got choked up.

That reaction, quite frankly... really surprised me. But DH and I have planned extensively for this, and we did so much to ensure that this month sticks. We've invested so much time and energy and emotion into creating a potential child, and I especially have put a lot of research, work, and heart into this process and preparing myself for a potential (and hopeful!) baby. To think it might not work this month? It was a bit overwhelming. And yeah, a little upsetting.

I sure hope it's positive this morning (or tomorrow morning, Sunday). I won't be devastated if it's not, but when DH asked, I answered honestly: "If it's negative tomorrow, I'll be disappointed. If it's negative Sunday? Then I'll be upset."

And we'll move on to the next month, and the next and the next. Until it finally works out.

But god, this first month is wracked with so much emotional fraught.

We'll know soon...

The Anatomy of a Fertility Friend Chart

I thought I'd go into how a chart is laid out. For this post, I've taken a sample chart from Fertility Friend, one that's diverse enough to show at least some of the things the FF application can track.

Dots/Circles

You'll notice that there are a couple types of dots/circles shown in the example above. These dots/circles are placed at your BBT on the day you record it.

• Dot is filled in: This is your actual temperature at the actual time (or around that time) you always test.


• Circle is open: If something in the data indicates that the temperature may be slightly inaccurate (either by events selected in the Special data area -- i.e. "sleep deprivation" -- or by a time difference larger than normal), the temperature plot uses a circle instead of a dot. While they're not to be discarded, it can show a reader an area of the chart where data may be less accurate.


• Dot is black: This indicates a discarded temperature.


• Square points: When a note is entered or if you check something in the Special data section, the graph will show a square instead of a dot. These may indicate patterns and symptoms not directly related to charting (i.e. sickness). This is not a default setting; rather, you need to enable it by clicking on the "Display Settings" link below your chart.

Crosshairs

The chart above shows a solid crosshair -- those lines that intersect at CD15. The horizontal line is the coverline (a visual tool used to differentiate your pre- and post-ovulation phases on your fertility chart), and the vertical line is the date of ovulation.

When FF figures out your ovulation date using their calculations based on your symptoms and BBT, it draws red crosshairs. Blue crosshairs indicate a manual override by the user.

Charts can also have dashed crosshairs, meaning that fertility signs are somehow in conflict. Details can be found in the ovulation detector.

DPO Count

After ovulation, you will see a count of your DPO just above the coverline. This feature is only available online, not on the mobile version.

Green Line

Did you get your BFP either by POAS or blood test? If so, your line turns green to indicate pregnancy. Congrats!

Then there are "detail" lines below your chart that explain what was going on each day.

CM Line

Incredibly handy for keeping track of your CM fluid, this line gives you the following options and the label given:

Label	Fluid
M	Menses (Period)
L (Pink background)	Menses Light(Period)
H (Pink background)	Menses Heavy (Period)
*	Spotting
-	Dry
S	Sticky
C	Creamy
W	Watery
E	Egg White

• Blank entries mean that CM was not recorded that day.


• Menses and spotting can be combined with other fluid types in a two-letter code, e.g., "E*" for EWCM with spotting. Menses show up as a pink square.


• A blank entry means that you did not record your CM that day.


• The Menses and spotting can be combined with the other fluid types in a two letter code. For example egg white fluid with spotting will be displayed "E*". Menses are displayed on a pink square.


• The corresponding square is colored in green when your entry denotes a clearly fertile sign (OPK+, watery CM, EWCM, etc.).

Pregnancy Test Line

Label	Test
+	Positive
-	Negative
B+	Blood Test Positive
B-	Blood Test Negative

Intercourse/Insemination/Retrieval Line

Label	Meaning
X	Intercourse
AM	Intercourse in the morning
PM	Intercourse in the afternoon/evening
R	Egg Retrieval
I	IUI or Home IUI
XX	Intercourse morning and afternoon (More than once)

OPK Line

Label	OPK Result
+	Positive
-	Negative

• Positives/fertile signs are shown over a green square.

Saliva Ferning Test Line

Label	Ferning Test Result
F	Full Ferning
PF	Partial Ferning
-	None

• Positives/fertile signs are shown over a green square.

Appointment with Special Beginnings

I have an appointment with Special Beginnings, a local stand-alone midwifery practice in Arnold, on 24 January. I'm so excited! When I initially made the appointment, it was for a consult, to get a pap smear, and to get a prescription for vegetarian prenatals (which was actually taken care of thanks to Amazon), but I'm hoping that it can turn into a prenatal appointment with a confirmed pregnancy.

If you remember, I posted about our tour at Special Beginnings over at TCC before (no linking to the specific post as my blog does pingbacks, but just search for "Special Beginnings" if you're interested). I really love that they encourage laboring at home, that they take a hands-off approach to prenatal and labor care unless absolutely required, that their c-section rate is less than 8% (they're affiliated with Anne Arundel Medical Center nearby), that they encourage you to labor in a fashion that's right for you (no being strapped to a gurney!), that they encourage skin-to-skin contact...

I consider myself a pretty crunchy person in some regards -- vegetarianism aside, I'm pro-natural childbirth, -breastfeeding, -homebirth, -birth center, -cloth diapering, -attachment parenting, -cosleeping, and so on. However, I do also believe in a woman's choice to do as she wants and needs for her own pregnancy, labor, delivery, and parenting; I'm not one to judge. These are all things that are just right for me. :)

But I'll be honest: I'm terrified of hospitals, I'm terrified of interventions, I'm terrified of all the accoutrements that come with both. If it's necessary, it's necessary, of course. If I can go entirely natural, though, and have the ability to do so, I'm going to go that route. Part of my reason for choosing a birth center is because of this fear! And it's not without good reason; from my other blog, regarding the hospital that is closest to me (AAMC):

AAMC, by the way, has some abysmal cesarean rates for 2008-2009: 38.4%! While not the worst in Maryland — that honor goes to GBMC with 44.8% in 2008-2009 — it’s ridiculous compared to the birth center, which has a very low rate of emergency cesareans: “Extremely rare” according to their website, and 8% according to David.

Those are some scary statistics. Fortunately, the midwives do attend your birth at a hospital whether you choose to go there initially or need a transfer, so they can act as advocates for you while there. The cesarean rate still makes me incredibly nervous, though, so I truly hope I can stick with the birth center!

For those of you who are here and have had (or will have!) children... where did you give birth? Would you have done it different? Is there a reason why you chose where you did... or did you not choose that option and were made to make it, anyway?

Cool Fertility Friend iPhone app bells 'n' whistles

I've been tracking all this information using Fertility Friend's iPhone app. Previously, I was tracking only the start and end dates of my periods in order to prevent pregnancy, assuming that my luteal phase was about 14 days long and either abstaining or pulling out during the week in which I thought I'd be "in danger" of falling pregnant.

Now that we're actively TTC, I've started charting things like BBT, CM, CP, symptoms, and so forth in an effort to pinpoint ovulation and other events. If anything, it's been incredibly cool to see how things are going, especially the little changes you otherwise wouldn't notice. (Who knew that your temperature changes around the time and after you ovulate! And how slight variations can mean all the difference!)

Once those things are in there, FF's app starts using that information to populate new features, like your chart (which everyone have seen before), a fertility analyzer, cycle statistics, and pregnancy monitor. The more cycles you track, the more accurate and more informative each of these become.

First, Cycle Statistics.

Obviously, mine isn't terribly populated because my cycles, while I've been loosely tracking them for a couple years, weren't all that detailed. Therefore, only my cycle "length" is entirely populated and shows an average, as well as a minimum and maximum. The longer I chart my ovulation and my luteal phase (which are both pretty much dependent on my BBT), the more detailed this chart will become.

You'll notice that, along with other features through FF, some content is for VIP members only. This membership allows you to view and participate in their message boards and see additional information about your cycle, such as (at least on this screen) your DPO. It's not worth it for me to look into now, but for women who require this kind of information, the membership is pretty cheap and gives you loads of options!

Second, Fertility Analyzer.

This one has changed for me recently. When I was in my follicular phase, it would track my symptoms (CM, CP, CD, and so forth) to determine when I was not fertile, likely fertile, and most fertile. These would be represented by a red, yellow, or green light. I actually found it pretty accurate as it showed a solid green light at O-2, O-1, and ovulation itself. Pretty neat!

The Analyzer knows that one can be fertile for a couple days or more even after observing fertile CM, a fertile CP, or seeing fertile signs on OPKs, microscopes (ferning in saliva, for instance), and so forth. So even if data isn't entered that day, it uses past information to delineate when/if you're fertile.

This is meant to maximize your pregnancy prospects so a woman doesn't stop considering herself as potentially infertile too soon, thereby missing the window. Think of it as baby-makin' insurance!

Finally, Pregnancy Monitor.

This one is especially interesting. There are a few things this gives you:

Test Date: As you notice, mine gives me a test date of 23 January 2012, or CD36/19DPO, based on a week out from my expected period (17 January). Since I've really only been tracking one cycle in-depth, it's giving me a full week after a possible missed period to test for a potential pregnancy. While I'm certainly able to test earlier, getting a negative result before that time might end up being "false". To play it safe, FF gives me a date well after a possible missed period.

If this were to change with additional information, I don't know, but it'll be interesting to find out!

Intercourse Timing: This one notes the days during which DH and I had sex and "scores" these dates relative to the date of ovulation. Since we had sex pretty much every day leading up to O, our score is obviously very high. Having sex two days out of the four likely leads to a "Good", once to "Fair", and none... well, I don't know, but probably not a very good chance at all!

Temperatures above Cover Line: Should be pretty self-explanatory.

Top Signs: According to FF's FAQs, this tool scans your recorded signs at your current DPO and displays the frequency with which these signs occur on pregnancy charts. It does NOT take into account those charts that did NOT lead to pregnancy or that were anovulatory. These symptoms are listed from most to least frequent, and can be a good comparison tool.

It should be noted, though, that even if you have the same symptoms, this does not mean you might be pregnant. It's simply a comparison tool.

Pregnancy Test Probability: This tool displays the percentage of positive pregnancy tests recorded at or before your DPO, and can be useful if you want to see how early your test is compared to the community for those who got a BFP. Mine's a bit early (they recommend no earlier than 10DPO), so I got nothin'!

Spotting Factor: This tool displays the frequency of pregnancy charts showing spotting on the day you reported it. Since I haven't spotted (yet...?), there's no information here, but say I spotted at 12DPO: This tool would show the percentage of women who also spotted at 12DPO and received a positive pregnancy result (e.g., 4.5%).

Early Pregnancy Signs: This is probably the most interesting tool to me. On a scale of 0 to 100, this analyzer shows an estimate of the probability of your signs appearing on pregnancy charts in the chart gallery. While this can't tell you if you're pregnant (even if your analysis is 100!), the gauge can give clues to answer the question that everyone has on their mind when TTC: Did other women experience what I did and end up pregnant? Simply another piece of the puzzle!

The calculation is based on an analysis of over 100,000 charts from FF's archives and statistical models of the signs and symptoms based on them (i.e. special entry data tab, CF, CP, and spotting data) with respect to their occurrences on pregnancy charts. This information is compared to the individual's data, and they come out with a number.

These preliminary results show that charts with a display of 80 or more points are 70-90% more likely to be pregnant charts, with all other factors being equal. That means you can also find high value in this with no pregnancy and vice versa. FF is continually updating this feature.

Due Date: Again, kind of obvious. If you conceived this cycle, your EDD would be ________! In my case? 26 September 2012.

Summary: I don't have enough information for this one, but if I did, it would likely give me their opinion on my LP, FP, and other stats would be taken into account and they'd give me ideas as to how to better improve my chances of conception. Pretty neat, huh?

Of course, the ONLY way to determine a pregnancy is with a positive test (HPT or blood sample), so these should merely be used as tools. It's rather fun to see how this all changes, though, considering all the signs entered... and somehow, it helps with the obsessiveness! ;)

Endocrinology of Pregnancy - Experiencing Symptoms 1DPO

Starting pretty much right at 1DPO, I started having all these weird symptoms that can easily be related to early pregnancy. Granted, I don't know yet whether I'm pregnant or not -- will be finding out at 11DPo, on Sunday, at the earliest -- but I soon started an obsessive Google search to see if other women had pregnancy symptoms so early on.

Ends up that a lot of women have. This seemed both a little backwards and to make a lot of sense:

1. Backwards because, especially at 1DPO, the embryo hasn't implanted in the uterus, which causes the surge in hCG (the hormone that is detected in urine when you POAS).


2. To make a lot of sense because, I imagined, your body would "know" that "something" was up with your cycle this time around, something atypical.

Ends up that they're BOTH right. Sort of. After more research, I came across this textbook chapter regarding the endocrinology (a branch of biology and medicine dealing with, among other things, hormone secretion and reproduction) of pregnancy. The first point is obviously true, and was pointed out to readers of several forums, as hCG is detectable in urine in a very limited capacity after implantation and increasingly thereon out, with the average earliest ability to "read" these hormones through a HPT being 8DPO. The hormones are secreted as early as 6DPO, or at the time when the embryo is between 6 and 8 cells, but are not at high enough levels for detection until a couple days afterward.

The most interesting part of the chapter, though, was describing not the average implantation day, but what happens even at conception:

Pregnancy-related proteins can be found in maternal circulation shortly after conception. For example, a platelet activating (PAF)-like substance, produced by the fertilized ovum, is present almost immediately (1-4). After ovulation and fertilization, the embryo remains in the ampullary portion of the fallopian tube for up to 3 days. The developing conceptus travels toward the uterus, through the isthmic portion of the tube, for approximately 10 hours, and then enters the uterus as an embryo at the 2- to 8-cell stage (5, 6). With further development, between 3-6 days after conception, the embryo becomes a blastocyst floating unattached in the endometrial cavity (6). A schematic representation of the pre-implantation phase of pregnancy is shown in Figure 2. Before implantation, the blastocyst also secretes specific substances that enhance endometrial receptivity. Successful implantation requires precise synchronization between blastocyst development and endometrial maturation.

To date, little information exists regarding regulation of steroid production in the embryo. The early embryo and its surrounding cumulus cells secrete detectable estradiol and progesterone well before the time of implantation (8, 9). Mechanical removal of these cells results in the cessation of steroid secretion, while return of the removed cells through co-culture results in restoration of steroid secretion (8). Given this finding, steroid production by the conceptus is thought to be negligible by the time it has reached the endometrial cavity, since it is gradually denuded of cumulus cells as it travels through the fallopian tube.

(Emphasis mine.)

While the types and amounts of hormones given off by the fertilized egg may be negligible, to those who are sensitive to their bodies (implying the little changes, of course), they may start detecting changes as early as 1DPO or even at conception.

Of course, one must keep in mind that these same hormones, while in a slightly smaller amount, are also secreted whether or not conception actually occurred, so having symptoms that appear like pregnancy symptoms should be taken with a grain of salt. Not to say that these early signs of pregnancy aren't real (after all, I'm kind of betting on them being so! For obvious reason!), but that they are often identical to premenstrual and even simple post-ovulatory symptoms.

I sure hope it is, though. Because I can't imagine having all these stupid symptoms and nothing to show for it. ;)

Science is fun, ain't it!

Rainbow Light Certified Organics Prenatal Vitamins

I started these a little late, but better late than never, right?

Since CD17, I've been taking prenatal vitamins in the hope that it'll kickstart some good vitamins for the future baby (and for me!). I had checked out a couple places before that for vegetarian prenatals, but always found them so hard to come by; even CVS Pharmacy told me that their selection on the floor included no vegetarian prenatals, but they did have them available for prescription. As I still don't have a PCP (yeah, I know), that was pretty much useless.

Thank heavens for the internet. I started searching for vegetarian prenatals and came across a few options. After doing some pretty intensive research on each brand, I finally settled on Rainbow Light Certified Organics Prenatal Vitamins, and put my order in for two bottles through Amazon.

I've never been one for vitamins. Each time I've tried a new one, they always seem to upset my stomach in some way, so I usually stop taking them after three days or so. The reviews for this product said they're gentle on the tummy and don't cause stomach upset (they'd better not -- pregnant women (a group I'd love to be a part of soon!) need to keep their food and their vitamins down, haha), and so far, I've noticed that to be true. I've been taking them for five days now, and I've yet to have a negative reaction!

The list of vitamins and nutrients go on for miles, but the ones I was especially interested in:

• Vitamin B12 - Vitamin B12 is in all standard multivitamins and vegetarian supplements. As it's not created naturally by humans or any other animal, nor at all in nature, the vitamins utilize a compound called cyanocobalamin, which is easily converted by humans to active (cofactor) forms of the vitamin, such as methylcobalamin... actual B12.


• Vitamin D - This supplement is NOT vegan, for those of you who may be wondering. It's derived from D3, cholecalciferol, which is an animal-based product -- in this case, lanolin, which is a substance secreted from the sebaceous glands of sheep. Sounds kinda gross when you put it that way, actually...

B12 is one I've always been concerned about due to it not being naturally present, and D because I found out that I was once incredibly deficient. So to have those two is a huge plus for me!

The vitamins also contain organic ginger root juice, which is great for warding off nausea, and digestive support ingredients because, hey, no one likes being stopped up.

There you have it... my review of Rainbow Light prenatals. I have to say I'm incredibly pleased so far, and I'll probably continue these vitamins even for eventual postnatal care.

Children's Books for Pagan Kids

My mom is a library assistant at an elementary school down in Florida (actually, the same elementary school my siblings and I all attended!), and she's always sending me recommendations for new books and new series. I absolutely adore YA literature, among other genres, and I always find her recommendations to be well worth reading. I know I'll be hitting her up when Matt and I decide to have children, as she'll have a bunch of titles for us to check out!

Inspired by this, I started searching for Pagan books at places like Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, and other admittedly non-Pagan establishments. What I found was... a whole lotta nothin'. That really wasn't surprising considering the lack of support for Pagan authors (at least children's authors) in mainstream culture, but I was still disappointed to see several Christian titles and even a few Jewish titles while finding not a single kid-friendly Pagan book. Several for adults, none for kids.

Thank heavens for the Internet, though! Here are some books that I managed to find for Pagan children, ones that I've heard of before and that I'm going to be sure to add to my Future Babies Wish List. ;) They're listed according to appropriateness to age, and all can be found on Amazon.com. (I urge you to Google these titles, though, and purchase either directly from the author or through an independent bookstore if possible!)

Looking for a particular age group? Click the link below to be directed automatically!