For the rest of us!

Since we're still DINK(Y)s, and despite the plethora of holidays that we should be celebrating for each of our families' respective faiths, December is actually kind of a quiet month for us. We do little things for Chanukah (I make Matt say the prayers over at least two candles at Chanukah -- after that, he kinda piddles out), Yule (exchanging of one gift and maybe a stocking with some crazy stuff), and Christmas (Chinese food and a movie, natch), but we don't plan on doing anything major until we have kids.

Then we well, at least I get to go nuts! ;)

Of all holidays, though, there's one that we have yet to celebrate... and it shocks me because Matt is a gigantic Seinfeld fan. He went berserk when he opened up his Yule gift last year: A box set of all Seinfeld seasons. I questioned the excellence of said gift when he insisted on watching it every day until we finished the season. Guys... that took well over a month.

So... what about Festivus?!




A secular holiday celebrated on 23 December, Festivus is a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in all the hoopla -- you know, the pressure and the commercialism and all those niceties. It was created by writer Dan O'Keefe, who passed it along to his son and creator of Seinfeld, Daniel O'Keefe. In turn, he shared Festivus with... well, the rest of us (lol) through his show. Excerpt from the intro to the book "The Real Festivus" by O'Keefe, with foreword by Jason Alexander, at the end of this post. You may be disappointed to learn that none of the "celebrations" below, all constructs for the show, were actual Festivus traditions. Or... who knows, when you know the truth? Maybe not.



Celebrations, at least according to character George Costanza, include an unadorned aluminum Festivus pole ("I find tinsel distracting," therefore tinsel is verboten!); holding the airing of grievances where party attendees vent about what or, more appropriate, who is annoying them ("I got a lot of problems with you people; now you're gonna hear about it!"); and feats of strength, preferably by wrestling with the head of the household until (presumably) he is pinned down. ("Someone stop this madness..." "Stop crying and fight your father!") Further, easily explained events are often attributed to being "Festivus miracles."

Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
Cosmo Kramer: "What happened to the doll?"
Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"
Kramer: "That must have been some kind of doll."
Frank Costanza: "She was."

So of all people, why isn't my husband -- arguably one of the biggest Seinfeld fans ever, or at least that I've ever known -- clamoring at the chance to celebrate Festivus? I'm thinking... maybe I'll surprise him with an unadorned aluminum pole this year and the airing of my own grievances. Then a good wrasslin'. After all, it ain't over until the head of the household is pinned.

... and like hell am I gonna be pinned that easily.



Excerpt from The Real Festivus - Introduction by Jason Alexander

For one miserable episode, the Costanza family invited the world to join them for an inane, bizarre anti-holiday called Festivus. It wasn't a major story point. It wasn't a recurring story line. It was one lousy episode. It was brought to our table by a young writer named Dan O'Keefe. The truth was that this odd fellow had spent years celebrating (if that's the appropriate word) this freakish creation of his own father's slightly off-kilter mind. He proposed it as a notion for something the character of Frank Costanza, George's father, might have manufactured. Itwas to be a minor element, a throwaway—nothing.

But, since we were the show about nothing—the damn thing took! Upon airing the episode, Festivus parties popped up everywhere. Festivus ceremonies were proposed. The Ben and Jerry Ice Cream company created a Festivus flavor. Last rumor I heard was that the federal government was considering making it a national holiday.

And then the questions—the endless, mindless questions: How do we celebrate? What is the history? When is the exact date? Is there religious significance? One dumbass inquiry after another.

For years, all I could say when bombarded with this lunacy was, "For God's sake people, it's a TV show! Get a grip. Move on." But the glaring disappointment on their faces was too hard to take. It was like telling a little Christian child that there is no Santa. I had no stomach for it. Maybe because I'm Jewish. Maybe I'm just soft.

But now, like a ray of light direct from Heaven, my prayers have been answered, my personal salvation has arrived. You hold in your hands the definitive tome on Festivus. And it comes from the highest authority—Dan O'Keefe himself. Every question you have about this festivalis answered in these pages. No effort has been spared. Upon completion, you will be able to preserve the rich history and colorful pageantry of this most holy day yourself. For the true Seinfeld fan, this is required reading. For the casual passer by, it is a curious primer on how to create your own ritual for the ages.