Way to start off a blog post, huh?
Well, like it or not, child predators and pedophiles do exist, and while there's a database that logs known predators, there are some who go unaccounted for. As much as 90% of child sexual abuse occurs in a situation where a child and his family know the abuser and the perpetrator has established himself in a position of trust, and as many as 30-40% of these abusers are immediate or extended family members. Only 10% or less are estimated to be strangers.
But even though these numbers are scary, it can't be
that bad, can it? Consider: Approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys suffer from sexual abuse before their 18th birthdays. This is too great a risk to ignore.
Fortunately, there are ways to deter predators from sexually abusing your child. While there are no guarantees that these are failsafe methods, being aware of reality, being vigilant of the people involved with our children, and maintaining open communication with our children are key components to protecting our children.
(Thank you to The Mama Bear Effect for these points! Please check out their site for more information on keeping our kids safe from sexual abuse.)
1. SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE A LOVING, ATTENTIVE PARENT
Be interested and invested in your child's life: Where they're going, what they're doing, their activities and the leaders/coaches of those activities, their friends and those friends' parents. Ask questions involving plans, get phone numbers, arrive early for pickups from playdates and practices. These will all send a signal that you care about your child and that you're watching.
Why is this important? Predators tend to look for children whose parents are less involved, indicating that the child may be looking for attention or love they aren't getting at home. Or those parents may be busy, distracted, or easily trusting of others involved with their children. Stay vigilant.
2. TRUST YOURSELF OVER OTHERS AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID
Only we are parents will care about the well being of our children as we do. Literally no one else will care nearly as much, and considering that, their safety is our responsibility. Don't be embarrassed or afraid of offending people if it means keeping your kids safe.
That means:
- Asking for verification that daycare providers are, in fact, licensed.
- Asking daycares, schools, youth organizations, and so forth about abuse prevention policies, any training and procedures established if abuse is suspected, or if they suspect a child may be abused at home.
- Calling references for babysitters, nannies, tutors, and other caretakers, asking questions like: "Did you ever feel uncomfortable with this person caring for your child?" Accepting family or friend references isn't good enough. Can't reach a reference? Stay away.
- Not putting your child into a situation that, in your gut, tells you not to, even if that means canceling a sleepover, retreat, or even a babysitter recommended by a friend. Your instinct is good at picking out danger, so even if you can't pinpoint what makes you uncomfortable, listen to it.
- Expressing your concern over someone's behavior. Is an adult roughhousing? Tickling? Talking about something you think is inappropriate? If someone you know is sending you a signal that what they're doing makes you or your child uncomfortable, speak up.
Why is this important? Grooming often starts with predators engaging in certain behavior in front of other adults in order to normalize it as acceptable: If mom or dad doesn't object, it must be okay. Additionally, we enable abuse when we trust that others have our children's best interest in mind, especially when we pay them, and this simply isn't the case.
Don't be afraid that being suspicious will cause the other person to be offended, either, especially if the concern is legitimate. After all, what do we care about more: Someone else's feelings, or our children's safety? Our kids trust us to keep them safe, so it's up to us to be sure we're protecting them.
3. RESPECT & LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD
Our children have instincts, too, and sometimes better ones! They have the right for their concerns to be heard and regarded. By listening to your children and respecting their feelings and opinions, you show potential predators that you don't see your child as a second-rate citizen.
Child: "I don't want to go to Uncle Danny's house, he's weird."
Parent: NOT "Don't say that about your Uncle. He's your family, you have to be nice to him."
Parent: INSTEAD "What is it about Uncle Danny that you think is weird?"
Maybe Uncle Danny spits when he talks, or maybe he plays in a way that makes your child uncomfortable, or he's trying to show your child pornography on his computer. No matter the concern, it's up to us to find the answer, to engage with our children and show them that they
are capable of knowing something and that their feelings matter.
Child: "I don't want to go on the team trip with Coach Smith."
Parent: NOT "I paid good money, you're going."
Parent: INSTEAD "I want to make sure you're safe and enjoy this trip. Is there something that you're worried about?"
Whether your child is being bullied by other teammates or they just don't want to miss a birthday party, listening to their concerns and considering those concerns legitimate is the most important. If we approach even some situations as "what I say, goes", our children may take this to mean that we don't care how they feel and "why should I bother telling them".
Predators analyze these family dynamics and look for signs that a parent easily dismisses a child's feelings or opinions. In fact, some survivors have talked about how they told their parents that they were abused, and the parents not only refused to believe them, they even
made them apologize to their abuser.
4. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY, "I'M AWARE AND EDUCATED ABOUT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"
Be open about these tips with other parents, whether it's in the schoolyard, the playground, or in your own home. Not only will you educate the other parents, you'll also drop a not-so-subtle hint to anyone who may be eavesdropping that you -- ahem -- know your shit and aren't afraid to share it.
Why is this important? I was sexually abused at 18 (not by a family member, but a former coworker), and rather than keep it to myself, I'm pretty open about the fact that it happened and what steps I take to try to prevent it from happening again. While it's not a pretty story to tell, I've noticed that I get other women opening up to me about their own experiences, and I get some men who looks a bit differently at me. Not to say that he's a potential rapist or anything, but every effort to make preventing this -- and, in the same way, child predators -- something that can be openly discussed, the better for others to think, learn, and talk about it.
5. RAISE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE CONFIDENT, KNOWLEDGEABLE KIDS
By respecting and listening to our children, we're already teaching them to be confident and knowledgeable, but it goes deeper than that. We must also teach them about their rights to both their bodies and to safety, and that includes learning the proper names for genitalia, the right to say "no", that privates are kept private, and that they are
empowered.
Why is this important? After all, predators often groom children into making their privates "fun" by playing games or using cutesy nicknames. A child who has body safety knowledge is less likely to be lured than a child who is ignorant about his body or rights. A confident child will also be more likely to tell, say "no", and understand that abuse is wrong and to stand up for himself.
(Also, of note: If your child comes home with a cutesy name for their genitals and you have
not taught them that name, ask where they heard it. And follow up with that person, letting them know that it's inappropriate.)
While there's no guarantee that a confident, knowledgeable kid will be safe from abuse, the risk is lowered when a predator knows that the kid is aware of his rights, is not afraid to speak up, and has parents who will listen to, believe, and protect them.
WE CAN'T PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM EVERYTHING
But we sure as hell can try! By following these guidelines, while the risk is still out there, you and your child will feel empowered to tackle the problem head-on and create an environment that isn't as welcoming to pedophiles and other child predators.
Want to learn more ways to empower your children? Check out this article on
The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent for kids aged 1 to 21, from The Good Men Project.
