"Pretty Boy"

At least once a week, some well-meaning stranger smiles, coos at my sweet baby boy, and says, "So cute! How old is she?"

...

Okay, I get it. He has these big brown eyes and long lashes that love to bat in any admirer's direction. I haven't cut his flowing wavy ringlets that extend inches beyond his head. He has these incredibly defined lips that widen into the most adorable smile you've ever seen. Facebook wants to tag him with my name, so he clearly takes after me in the looks department (thank you, thank you). All things considered, regardless of what he's wearing, he looks kinda girly.

I usually try to respond to these kindhearted gaffes with a little hint that he is, in fact, a boy: "Oh, thank you! He's nine months. Aren't ya, little bud?" Most of the time, that tends to get the point across, and the stranger either doesn't mention his sex again, corrects herself, or apologetically exclaims, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize he was a boy!" Then follows it up with how handsome he is.

Personally, I have no problem when someone mistakenly calls Tycho a girl. The social convention (which is not always right but does tend to apply) is that the prettier a baby looks, the higher the chances are that it must be a girl. And let's face it, Tycho is a "pretty" boy.

But Matt does sometimes get offended by it, and it led me to think, would he be as upset if we had a little girl and someone mistakened her for a boy? (Answer: Yes, but pretend not for a bit.)

There was a lot of controversy a while ago about the "genderless baby", Storm Stocker, born to a Canadian couple on New Year's Day. Comments on the Internet read things like, "one more messed up kid in the world" and "this is so wrong in many ways", as well as some not-so-nice ones (yes, those were the nice comments).

While it raised a number of hackles, it certainly wasn't the first time a child has been in the spotlight for not conforming to gender norms: Take the mother who allowed her son to dress as a princess for Halloween, or the father who is okay with his son wearing makeup and heels. It seems that, while we're so intent on finding equality for women -- and yes, speaking as a woman who deals with gender inequality on a daily basis, this is still a very pervasive problem -- we're just as apt to make little boys into men.

Even if it means being their first bully to do just that.

While it's certainly something we haven't had to deal with yet, as all of his toys are gender neutral and he doesn't really have a sense of "boy" or "girl" toys, I'm sure there will come a day when Tycho shows interest in a frilly dress, a Barbie doll, or some sparkly nail polish. Being the pretty boy that he is, if he goes through with expressing his interest in something more "girly", he may be labeled a girl even more often.

Would allowing our son to have an interest in these kinds of things ruin him as a boy? Or should we try to extinguish this kind of curiosity and genuine interest in something pink and fluffy in exchange for something blue and grimy?

Our neighbors have two girls, aged 8 and 5, who are girly in almost every sense of the word. They love pink (or purple, as the 5-year-old's case may be), they cradle their baby dolls, and they perform manicures on each other, sometimes with the help of their mom. But surprisingly (that is, if you don't know their parents!), they also have distinct interests in Marvel and DC comics, and can easily tell you what superhero belongs to which superseries. Their knowledge isn't limited to Wonder Woman or Catwoman, either; ask their 8-year-old what superhero is her favorite, and she'll proudly tell you BATMAN. In fact, she dressed as him -- in a boy's costume, not in the girly version -- last year for Halloween.

Sure, nowadays it's a little more acceptable for a little girl to have interest in comics, superheroes, video games, and other activities that were once firmly lumped into the "boy" category. But it doesn't seem like the same applies to our little boys.

I would never want to squash my son's interests strictly because they were seen as more "girly" than I or society would like. If Tycho ever wanted to play with a doll, dress as a princess, or don ten fingers carefully painted hot pink, I would more than willingly allow him to express himself that way. Doing so doesn't mean he'll turn out gay or transgender -- I firmly believe that being either (or both!) of those is set from birth and not a result of exposure to gender-specific clothing or play. But denying him his desires to try out more "girly" things may cause him to lack confidence in himself and his interests, something I absolutely do not wish on him.

While gay and transgender kids do exist, I like to think there's another point of view: That, similar to the Kinsey Scale, there exists a line between "most masculine" and "most feminine", and that kids and adults just happen to fall on any point on the line, regardless of their sexual or gender identities. And that's okay. It doesn't mean they need redirection or therapy or anything else in order to make them "right", for wherever they fall on that line, and any movement they have on that line, is exactly where they're supposed to be.

I imagine that's not how everyone feels, and I understand this is a lot of introspection strictly as a result of some strangers calling our son a little girl. But I believe it's crucial for people to understand that, while you may cut their hair or dress them a certain way or deny them the desire to play with a toy that "belongs" to another gender, the only people they're hurting are their children.

And this holds especially true for our boys, who often lack a similar gender non-conforming place that girls tend to have. It's my sincere hope that our culture allows the same potential growth for our boys and our men as we have allowed for our girls and our women.

Even if there's not, in our house? We'll allow for whatever growth Tycho and any other children we have in the future desire.