A baby by any other name... (or, how not to name your kid)

It took me and Matt almost six long, difficult months to find the perfect name for our soon-to-be baby boy. We decided to go with our interests: I was busy looking up the names of famous musicians and writers (and a few Greek and Roman gods), and Matt was hard at work looking up scientists and astronomers. Several almost made the cut, including Orion and Triton, but we finally settled on the one name that felt right:

Tycho David.

The name was inspired by Tycho Brahe (born Tyge Ottesen Brahe), a Danish nobleman and one of the last major naked-eye astronomer from the early 16th century, who combined the Copernican and Ptolemaic systems to develop what he referred to as the Tychonic system. While it was ultimately wrong, it did prove a very influential planetary movement system in the late 16th and 17th centuries, falling out of use in the early 18th century when it was discovered that Earth in fact did move around the Sun. Tycho worked incredibly closely with Johannes Kepler, who later used Tycho's astronomical data to develop his three laws of planetary motion.

Oh. The guy also lost part of his nose in a sword duel and replaced it with a mold made of silver and gold or one of copper or brass, owned one percent of the entire wealth of Denmark at one point, never got married but had eight children (six of whom lived into adulthood), had a pet elk, and died of a burst bladder from the inability to pee after holding in his urine too long at a banquet in Prague. Seriously.

All in all, a pretty cool (if quirky) dude, and we're stoked to have such an influential person as Tycho's namesake.

Sure, it's a rather unusual name for an American kid, but at least it's a common one in its home country of Denmark. And in that country, you only have a short list of names to choose from! No kidding, the list is actually maintained by the Names Investigation Department and the Ministry of Ecclesiastical Affairs. They're not screwing around.

We ultimately chose a name with an interesting history and out of both Matt's and my love for all things space-related, and we've been fortunate that most people who hear his name absolutely love it. If anything, it's easily shortened to "Ty", so it's not like we left him without options.

Too bad there's no NID&MEA here, though, because some of the names that American couples are coming up with are just... ridiculous. Intentional misspellings, needless apostrophes, and double- or even triple-vowel names are more popular than ever, leading to a baby-naming crisis that's taking the country by storm. So here it is...

How NOT to Name Your Kid

Don't create a new spelling for an otherwise normal name. Let's face it, people are already shitty spellers, so it's likely that some of these names are a result of ignorance than willful disregard for their children. But for the most part, parents deliberately mutilate an otherwise normal name because their precious snowflake is... ahem, Younique compared to her peers. You know who ends up taking the fall for that one? Your kids! They're the ones who ultimately have to spend their lives correcting people who insist that Elizabeth is not, in fact, Elizzabeath.

Oh, and no nonsensical punctuation in a name, either ("It's not Scott, it's Scot't! GOD. Everyone misses that apostrophe!").

Don't come up with creative ways to pronounce an otherwise normal name. This is just as stupid as the first "don't", with the added bonus of no one ever being able to pronounce your kid's name. Ever. It hearkens back to a story about Le-ah (remember what I just said about punctuation?!), whose name wasn't pronounced "Leah" or even "Lee", but "Le dash ah." Because, you know... that dash is there for a reason.

Don't come up with "creative" names at all! What the hell is up with names like Abcde (pronounced "Absidee", DUH) or other names that are created out of thin air? It's like these people pour out a can of alphabet soup, vigorously stir the letters around, and choose a name based on what's left over after they eat half the bowl.

Think real hard about whether that "cool" name you thought up really is cool. When I was a kid, I really wanted twin girls, and since I was into music, I thought it'd be cool to name them Melody and Harmony. Okay, so the first name might fly, but to my almost-30-year-old self, doing such a thing really does seem dickish and, honestly, not all that cool anymore. Those names were chosen more for novelty than anything else, and I would now hate to saddle any future children with anything even remotely close to that.

You want to name your kid something like Tycho? You'd better have a good story behind it. This is why we ended up choosing Tycho, because we had an interesting story and a rather kooky dude to back it up. But if you're naming your kid Cecylothy* because you had grandparents named Cecylia and Dorothy? Sure, that's sweet and all, but I'm not sure if that would pass muster for a "good" story. Or a good name.

*Full disclosure: My grandparents really are Cecylia (paternal g-ma) and Dorothy (maternal g-ma). ;)

Watch the weird letters. And double letters. This applies to letters like x, z, and k, goes for the superfluous use of the letter y, too. Between names like Jaxxon and Brynlee, I'm pretty sure I'm fighting a losing battle here, but it really should stop before we get to triple letters (Quteee, anyone?).

Finally, no matter what you name your kid, remember that you make the call, but your child has to live with it. Anything you do will be his burden to bear, so seriously consider whether you would want your name to be whatever you're thinking. Put yourself in your kid's shoes.

And at the very least, give the kid a "normal" middle name or a nickname to fall back on. ;)