Not making progress.

**PSA: If someone has something not-so-nice to say, kindly shut the fuck up.**

I am such an asshole. Seriously.

I finally got around to turning off email responses in TCOYF, but not after a deluge of new BFPs. Seriously, luck of the goddamn Irish this month. Women who have been trying one month, women who have only made a handful of posts, women who update every damn day then say "OMG it worked! My BFP keeps getting stronger!"

Each time, I'm mentally shouting, "Fuck you! Seriously!"

And as a result, I've been a complete asshole all week. It's now been a week since my own T(iny)L(ittle)P, and I swear, I feel like I'm never going to get over it.

Part of the problem, I'm sure, is that I never gave myself the time nor ability to really grieve. I mean, a part of me keeps thinking that it's so stupid for me to want to grieve a two-week-old cluster of cells that just didn't take, but another part is pushing that that's really stupid thought back because, obviously, I do need to acknowledge it somehow. Obviously. I can't keep feeling this shitty and mentally cursing everyone forever.

It's like how I reacted after... okay, for those who don't know, I was raped at 18. It took me years to get over it because, well, I never admit to myself that it was rape, and I never allowed myself to process and eventually get over it. To grieve my "virginity" (in quotes because I find that word highly subjective anyway, but if we're talking about the word as accepted by society, yes... my virginity) and my sexual rights and wants and needs. I pushed it to the back of my mind, forgot it ever happened, and slowly ground away at my self-esteem and sense of self worth until there was very little left.

I don't want that to happen this time around, but... I also don't know how to let it go. How to accept it, move on, and even turn it into a positive. All this positive thinking and mantras and all that crap haven't been working, despite forcing all that to show on the outside instead of revealing the immense pain I feel on the inside.

I was talking to D this morning, and I brought up maybe planting a flower. You know, to grow and nurture a life in place of one lost. I'm not sure if that would even help, but I've got to try something.

Otherwise, I'm just going to keep feeling like this... and that's not conducive to anything.

Especially not next cycle.

To make matters worse, DH and I haven't made love since our last BD attempt. And that's my fault...