Samhain, death and rebirth, and our relationship

In early August 2009, Matt asked for my hand in marriage.

In late August this year, I asked him for a divorce.

Halloween 2010 marked our wedding, a joyous occasion celebrated with loving family and friends.

This year, Halloween is marked by a prominent realty sign and opening our doors to potential new homeowners.

And the world, it keeps on turning...

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The cycle of birth, growth, death, and renewal plays over and over again through natural systems and human lives. Embracing these cycles is difficult; it begs the acceptance of things coming to their ends, naturally or otherwise, and forces us to consider what may come as we are reborn. Regardless of our desire for things to remain the same, they are in constant flux and will continue to change.

Tomorrow is Samhain, and as the growing period ends and death lingers in the air, I can’t help but consider these cycles and the inevitable, sometimes painful evolutions that come with each revolution. In our lives, we experience death in so many ways: Loved ones passing, losing jobs or homes, a person changing in ways you never expected.

This year, we experience the death of our marriage.

The allegorical roller coaster we rode through the majority of our relationship finally stopped when I asked for a divorce. Realistically, I endured it for far too long, and I determined I was done riding. I mean, I don’t like roller coasters, anyway; why was I forcing myself, and why make someone ride along with me?

While incredibly sad in so many ways (and some days, I still mourn the eroded foundation that led to this inevitability), in the time following my request, Matt and I have discovered what we first had and what we ended up losing along the way: Our friendship. We have returned to our bantering, our genuine care and love for each other, and our common goals. And now, we have a piece of each of our hearts that walks outside our bodies, a beautiful little boy who forever binds us.

The world around us is dying, leaves are falling, the ground is cold and unyielding, and our wedding vows follow the same path. But in this death, we’ve rediscovered each other.

I don’t regret getting or being married; saying I do would deny the importance of everything I’ve either gained along the way, not the least of which is our son, or my decision to take full responsibility for my own happiness. Nor did Matt or I fail at anything, just decided to get off the roller coaster once and for all and explore the rest of the park instead. We started our relationship as best friends, and as we end our marriage, we return full circle to that very sentiment.

When I reflect on our 10 years together and five since our wedding, the really shitty parts are of course seared into memory, but I have to remember what amazing good came of it, too. To put that aside to focus only on the shit blatantly rejects that which tied us together in the first place, and the tie to which we return.

So, our dear friends and family: Mourn the loss, provide your support, maybe even offer us a hug. We would surely appreciate that! But as the year continues and the earth springs back to life, know that we’re seeing our relationship the same way.

In the end, and as we embark on our new journeys at the turn of this wheel of the year... I’m so, so happy to have my best friend back.