Bronze Boobies, Bronze Bottles... and tarnished views. ((Wo)man In the Mirror)

[caption id="attachment_1887" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Yum yum yum. :)[/caption]

I've been reading a lot from the Fearless Formula Feeder lately, and today I came across a post that shared the comments formula-feeders receive on the way they feed their children. That post highlighted a particular comment from a BabyCenter thread:

Disclaimer: feeding your baby is the most important thing and moms should do that in whichever way is necessary. HOWEVER....

The past three months, I dealt with cracked bleeding nipples, trying to wean off a shield which now makes it hurt every time she latches still, double mastits, thrush, growth spurts where I thought my tits were going to fall off, not being able to take some time to myself because no one else can feed her, rude comments for feeding my child in public, plus many other obstacles.

I could have chose to throw some powder and water into a bottle and have my husband feed her but I powered through and THAT is why I deserve an "award" and you don't.

Harsh? Yes. True? Yes.

(One wonders why she bothered with the disclaimer in the first place. :P)

Y'all know all about my breastfeeding failure journey, right? Even now, with Tycho turning 15 weeks tomorrow (where did the time go?!), I feel like I missed out on something, despite the fact that breastfeeding came with a set of extreme challenges that I simply couldn't overcome, physically and especially mentally. I'm not proud that I failed at it, but after a lot of time and being gentle with myself, I can say I'm proud that my son is healthy, happy, and thriving, even on (and probably especially because of) formula.

Of course, not everyone has the same kind of sympathy or support for formula-feeding mothers, and much of the criticism and vitriol seems to come from exclusive breastfeeders. Not to say that all of them do, but there were a number of comments on that same thread about how shaking a bottle wasn't hard, that mothers are taking the easy way out by formula-feeding, that they didn't "suck it up and deal" or that they "didn't try hard enough."

I'll admit: For the most part, the physical act of formula-feeding IS easier. It's not all that difficult to measure out some formula powder, plop it into a few ounces of water, shake, and serve. I can do it, my husband can do it, anyone who cares for our son can do it. Probably the most difficult part of it is making sure all the parts are sterilized properly, that you have the right powder-to-water ratio, and that your hands are clean before mixing formula. (And truth be told, at least the cleanliness is something that breastfeeders who express their milk need to worry about, too.)

However, many EBFers tend to forget that, much like they find pleasure in nourishing their babies, so do FFers. It's using a different method and a different substance, but both types of feeders are giving their babies their absolute best. I know I feel my heart swell with pride and happiness as Tycho gazes up at me, grasping one of my fingers with his tiny hands and occasionally smiling around the bottle's nipple, and I know many breastfeeding moms who feel the same when their babies tug at their bra straps or smile around their nipples.

And in some ways, formula-feeding is hard. It means making sure everything is precise so you're not giving your baby an inadequate amount or mixture of formula; it means the added cost of the powder and the bottles and the freezer packs to keep them cool and the warmers to heat the formula back up; it means hearing your baby cry for food as you carefully measure out exactly what he or she needs; it means feeling just as self-conscious and even ashamed about feeding your baby in the middle of a crowded Target and overhearing an older woman tell her husband under her breath, "Ugh, feeding her kid poison like that."

(Not that I've ever heard that one before... sigh...)

I do understand that breastfeeders catch quite a bit of flak from the community for feeding their babies with a part of our bodies that has become sexualized in our culture. Put those boobs away, there are children around! Can't you just use a blanket? Ugh, so gross for whipping out your titty like that! I get it, I get it.

But while those comments seem to be more a result of our culture's prudishness, the comments flung at formula-feeding moms are more derisive and make mothers question their qualifications as a mother... and are even more painful when they come from other mothers. Like formula-feeding moms didn't care enough about their children to sacrifice themselves and give the baby the boob, regardless of the physical, mental, and other trials those moms may have gone through to eventually come to formula-feed.

The enemy in all this, more than the doctors or the media or the FDA or anyone else, is ourselves as mothers. In a society where women are already put down and questioned for everything they do, we as mothers sure do make it a point to make other moms feel bad about their decisions and their lifestyles, especially when it comes to something as emotionally charged as breast- versus formula-feeding.

Before Tycho was born, I was one of those mothers. I firmly subscribed to the idea that "breast is best", and I went through every effort to make that true for myself and my son, too: We had bottles, but they were only to be used for daycare. I had our insurance company send me a breast pump for when I went back to work. I tried to fix my flat nipples before he was born. I invested in lanolin, nursing bras, pads for leaking boobies, and supplements to keep my supply up.

And all went to crap when I couldn't do it anymore.

[caption id="attachment_1889" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Tycho's first DC Metro ride! :)[/caption]

It was my personal experience, my personal "failure", that made me change my mind about what's "best" for myself, and more importantly, what's best for others. Who was I to say that something that never worked for me was best for other mothers, and who was I to accuse a mother of "poisoning" her child with formula or anything else?

I've made it my goal since then to not criticize another mother for anything she does with and to her children, so long as it doesn't actively make their lives worse (as in the case of abuse -- and no, formula-feeding does not constitute abuse!). By doing so, I hope that other moms would do the same and not only decide what is best for themselves, but also not look askance at another family for doing what is best for them.

I've looked at the woman in the mirror, and I've asked her to change her ways... both in how she views herself and in how she views others.

Because nothing is more important than being supportive. :)