Telling myself the truth.

via

I've often been accused of being able to "get over" something quickly like it's a bad thing, or act as if the feeling associated with a bad situation doesn't exist, or move on and "discard" things I see as negative influences in my life with seemingly no consequence. Most recently (and frequently), I've been accused of compartmentalizing.

Samhain is when I typically reflect on the past year, what all has transpired, and what I may learn for the coming turn of the wheel. This one brings with it some interesting challenges: Moving out, custody agreements (and disagreements), making a life on my own, graduate school, breakups and makeups and breakups again... this year really ran the gamut of life-changing, sometimes sucky experiences.

And yes, for the most part, I've been able to separate the feeling from the fact, accomplish what I needed without a lot of fuss or muss. I initially found that ability not at all detrimental; in fact, I found it beneficial, as I could disentangle myself from the emotional bullshit that comes from the situation.

I explored this more when prompted this week to write a poem using Dorianne Laux's Heart as the example. Choose a word, reflect on it, then write a poem of metaphors.

I originally had "compartment" at the top of my assignment, thinking that would be its direction. The more I researched the word's meaning, though, the less I thought it applied:

Compartmentalization (in psychology) is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

So it did end up being inappropriate; while I do have my coping mechanisms, there's no cognitive dissonance experienced by removing the feeling. It's just... removing the feeling in the first place.

Freudian psychoanalysis provides more appropriate ego defense mechanisms:

Isolation occurs when an individual separates ideas or feelings from thoughts or situations, notably those producing anxiety or stress, and often replaces them with purposeful happiness.

Intellectualization, a form of isolation, concentrates on the intellectual components of a situation in particular so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions (that is, thinking to avoid feeling).

Third perceptual position is a way to "achieve" intellectualization, where the individual adopts an independent observer role to gain new perspective and simultaneously removes their own emotion from the situation.

They're not great coping mechanisms by any means; in fact, after finding these, I readily see why someone would say I'm stoic or avoiding or, more positively, able to "see the silver lining" in everything.

This especially comes to light when I think about the last year and the biggest change therein: Deciding to divorce. Even here, I waxed poetic about getting my best friend back when, all defense mechanisms aside, I was destroyed and thought myself a failure. I hated asking for a divorce, I hated feeling like I didn't do enough, and honestly... I hated Matt, too, for his part in why I asked.

I refused to deal with the emotions as they came up, instead trying to find some reason for being and a glimmer of hope when all I wanted to do was collapse in my new kitchen, alone and dejected, and sob. It does eventually rear its ugly head, resulting in a depression lasting for days or even weeks at a time, but in an effort to get the shit over with, I emotionally isolate.

... I don't really know what I'm doing with this post. Maybe, by virtue of finding and internalizing my findings, I can do a better job feeling emotions as they come up rather than subconsciously positioning myself as a third party. Maybe this is just a way of recognizing and there's no real need to change.

Maybe... maybe this is a big fat fuck you to anyone who thinks I'm without emotion because frankly, how many people are open about hearing others' struggles? Who really wants to hear that my divorce is killing me? Who asks "how are you" with true intentions of wanting to know, rather than doing it out of social convention?

And after almost 32 years, who wants to believe I'm anything but happy?

I suppose this is me telling myself, it's okay to feel shitty sometimes, even in the moment. It's okay to acknowledge it, to feel it, to express it. It's okay for others to think you have no emotions, but it's reasonable to expect them to take those emotions seriously when you do feel them and express them to others, as they do exist and are felt and are often experienced deeply.

If they're not okay with that? Well. There's their big fat fuck you.

If they are? Then thank you... thanks for helping me acknowledge and feel and express, even if it's difficult for both or all of us. Especially if I struggle.

... I really don't have much more to say on this. But it feels good to finally tell myself the truth.

Why my divorce is a good thing.

via (and a great article to boot!)

It's been about a year now since we informed the world of our impending divorce, and it'll be another three months or so before we can file.

Before anyone says "sorry" again, this has been a good thing for both me and Matt. We are, by and large, far happier apart than we were together, and our happiness cultivates better parents for our son, who remains the most important thing in our relationship (and will likely bind us for the rest of our lives).

I just happen to reflect on this now, as the wheel turns again and I find myself pondering loss, death, and ends. The American Divorce Story is so laden with such things, it's difficult to imagine it being anything but. This past year, though -- as I struggle to find my footing, carve my path, and stand straight as a soon-divorcee facing the 32nd turn of her own wheel -- I discovered it is anything but.

I've learned who I am and what I want out of life, and it's not stuck in something that drags both me and my partner down. This past year, I've become me: The badass, independent goddess with an inner rock star who doesn't take anything less than the absolute best from herself and her partners. I'm no longer compromising, and whether I feel the first pang of rejection or if I (gasp!) fall head over heels in love, I will still have myself and my dreams.

I've learned I'm not, in fact, a crazy person. While Matt and I were toxic for each other and I certainly won no Wife of the Year awards, I was still pretty convinced I was a complete failure at everything I attempted. Getting out of a self-destructive relationship and on my own helped me recover from the years of emotional beat-downs. Each bill paid, each good food selected, each piece of furniture or knick-knack meticulously placed, each time I fixed something on my own (with no one looking over my shoulder telling me it was wrong) became a personal testament to how capable I truly am.

I've learned my belief I was "boring" wasn't reflective of me. This really stuck out when I had a difficult time writing my OKC profile; while I consider myself relatively interesting with some pretty cool hobbies and talents (and I'm a writer, so this should be easy, right?!), actually telling strangers about myself was incredibly hard. I kept seeing myself as insipid and never worth anyone's time. From the dates I've been on, though, I may be worth it after all!

I've learned I made the right decision. Of course, no one wants to wake up in their 30s (or ever) with all their shit packed in a corner of the basement just waiting for the house to sell so you can move to a new apartment... alone. No one wants to question if staying would have been better than leaving because your home is suddenly so empty. But then you get that reminder, the cosmic two-by-four across the back of your skull saying, "What a dumbass! And not you... the other guy!" There have been moments even during this separation period where I was reminded how little respect was given to me, and those moments cement my decision every damn day.

There will come a time, I'm sure of it, when I have a life partner by my side who supports and encourages and respects me for who I am, and for whom I will be equally enthusiastic to support and encourage and respect. Until then, I'm happy to continue growing me... to face the darkness head on and emerge on the other side, truly reborn.