Guest Post - Susan Katz Miller, Reasons to Celebrate an Interfaith Baby

I've been following Susan Katz Miller's blog on their interfaith family for quite a while. As a Jewish-Pagan interfaith family ourselves, it's awesome to see it in action and working beautifully, especially with the most difficult part of the whole relationship: Children! Susan's children are raised in both the Jewish and Christian communities, and her blog discusses the challenges and rewards of celebrating both parents' and their own religions.

This post is a very special one. To celebrate Susan's recent book  Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family, Susan has offered to write a guest blog on celebrating a baby born into an interfaith family! Thank you so much, Susan, for this post and for all you do to support and educate the interfaith community. :)




For interfaith couples with a plan to celebrate both religions in the family, the arrival of a baby should be a source of creativity and joy, not cause for conflict. This is an opportunity to make a statement to yourselves, and to the world, that your child will benefit from both family traditions. Some interfaith couples hold back on performing baby-welcoming ceremonies, feeling that they did not have the right to claim these rituals, given the interfaith nature of their families. In contrast, I encourage the celebration of any and all welcoming rituals represented in your family tree. In my experience, and in my research, far more people end up regretting that they did nothing, than regretting that they celebrated.

I know, you’re exhausted, and the family patterns have been thrown into chaos. Do not feel you have to accomplish a full roster of traditional welcoming rituals on anyone else’s timetable, or to anyone else’s specifications. One of the wonderful aspects of being an interfaith family is that you have already been released from the tyranny of doing everything according to a single religious book. We can claim ancient religious rituals, while also reinventing them.

So if you have a Jewish baby-naming ceremony at six months, rather than at eight days, it can still have elements of tradition, and profound meaning for all in attendance. Children love the idea of having a Hebrew name: it can seem like a sort of secret alias, and an invitation to strengthen their connection to Judaism. One of the Christian rituals I really appreciate is the idea of godparents: adults who will serve as guides and protectors, as special unofficial aunts and uncles. We were living overseas when my daughter was a baby and toddler, so we didn't get around to choosing godparents. When she was in elementary school, we finally created an interfaith godmothering ceremony for her. In fact, she was old enough to help choose her own godmother. It seemed very fitting, and resonant, that the godmother she chose happened to also have a Jewish and Christian background.

If you have close relationships with clergy, they can help facilitate or lead welcoming ceremonies, as long as they understand your religious intentions and support your choices as an interfaith family. If you cannot find supportive clergy, you can still create meaningful welcoming ceremonies for babies (or older children, if you never did them), drawing on the elements that have most meaning to you from both family religions. Part of the joy of being an interfaith family, is the joy of giving yourself permission to innovate, while respecting and honoring family roots.

Baby-Led Weaning

Now that Tycho is six months old, we’ve toyed with the idea of introducing solids. Since his diet should still be primarily breastmilk and formula, we’re not putting too much emphasis on the solids, but we are slowly starting to introduce them. Rather than strictly do purees, though, which we may add at a later date, we’re doing baby-led weaning to introduce new foods.

Baby-led weaning (BLW) is the process of adding complementary foods to a baby’s diet by “self-feeding”, or allowing the baby to explore new foods in a way that suits the individual baby and his personal development. The idea is that, instead of introducing purees via a spoon to the mouth, the baby is presented a finger food to explore and “eat” – it’s mainly licking and sucking on a food at first, but eventually turns to biting and chewing.

(Note that “weaning” does not imply that the baby should actually be weaned from breastmilk or formula, but simply means the introduction of foods other than breastmilk or formula. In the UK, this is referred to as “weaning”, which is obviously very different from the US’s definition!)

Tycho has been watching us eat for a while, and has recently shown interest in some of our foods, lunging for them or fussing a bit when we don’t offer any. So this past weekend, after a few attempts to grab a sweet potato fry out of my hands, I finally handed him one. And this was the result:



He went nuts over it! Over the course of about twenty minutes, he ate the equivalent of half a fry, and was more than happy to have had it. (Further offers were rejected, which showed that he was done, so we didn’t force the issue.)

We didn’t really offer solids after that until just last night. Tycho was sitting in his high chair, banging around some toys, when we noticed he was watching me intently as I ate some food. Teriyaki stir fry with rice noodles, in case you were wondering. ;) We had some baby broccoli in the fridge, so I cut off a stalk, boiled it for a few minutes to get it soft, cooled it down with some cold water, then offered it.

And again, he went crazy!



I think at some point, he was frustrated that he wasn’t actually eating anything; I had made it to the point where no little bits would come off, but man, was he determined:



We’ll be playing with a few other things as we continue adding solids to his diet. Some basic principles to remember if you do decide to try out BLW:

• At the start of the process, the baby is allowed to reject food; it may be offered again at a later date


• The child is allowed to decide how much he wants to eat; no “fill-ups” are offered at the end of the meal with a spoon


• The meals should not be hurried


• Sips of water are offered with meals (better for older babies)


• Initially, soft fruits and vegetables are given; harder foods are lightly cooked to make them soft enough to chew, even with bare gums


• Foods with clear danger, such as peanuts, are not offered


• Non-finger-foods, such as oatmeal and yogurt, may be offered with a spoon so baby can learn to self-feed with a spoon (and if we do decide to incorporate purees, we may offer them this way)


• More information is offered at BabyLedWeaning.com

Introducing solids is a fun, if messy, way for your baby to explore new tastes and textures. BLW is especially fun as baby explores the food firsthand, and becomes useful when chewing and swallowing become learned skills and are applied to the foods being offered. As noted, “That’s the essence of [BLW]. No purees, no ice cube trays, no food processor, no potato masher, no baby rice, no weird fruit and veg combos… just you and your child, eating food that you enjoy with you and your family.” :)

The Wonder Weeks

I'm incredibly fortunate to have other mama friends whose babies were born around the time Tycho was; not only do I have a lot of women to ask for opinions and to share funny stories, but we love to share what we've found that may help us in raising our children.

One of the biggest things that was found by a fellow mama was a concept called the Wonder Weeks. There are, of course, well-known "growth spurts" and other milestones that happen with every baby, but these describe more than what's going on physically; instead, it goes into the mental leaps a baby makes at certain points in his development, and while they may coincide with growth spurts, they're not defined by physical growth.

In a nutshell, there are periods in a baby's development where he will become more clingy and fussy, and when his sleeping and eating patterns will be (for no better choice of words) shot to shit. They're narrowed down to the three Cs: Clinginess, Crankiness, and Crying. The good news is that they definitely have a start and an end -- meaning, a light at the end of the tunnel! -- and the baby emerges from the "stormy" periods having learned new skills that he starts trying out.

I strongly suggest you get the book linked above, as there's so much great information about when each leap starts and ends (and yes, the periods are pretty definite, off by only as much as two weeks), what the baby will learn when he emerges from the leap, and what to try to foster those new-found skills. There's also an app, available through the iTunes store and Google Play store.

[caption id="attachment_2169" align="aligncenter" width="281"] Lookit those little storm clouds![/caption]

Tycho is 27.5 weeks old and now firmly in the fifth leap, the World of Relationships, where he starts to perceive distance between objects. He's been really clingy lately, not wanting to be put down, and is getting really fussy when we change his diapers and his clothes, preferring instead to be naked or just in the same clothes. The past few nights have been rough, too, as his sleep is (as I said before) shot to shit, waking every 45 minutes to two hours at night. It's not unbearable, but we got used to putting him down at 7:30 or so and not hearing from him until 3am when he wakes from hunger.

But like I said, there's hope! The end of each leap has been great, and he's been the happy-go-lucky, smiley baby that we all know and love. So, like every other leap... this too shall pass.

Have you noticed that your own child is going through his or her own periods of crankiness, too? Maybe he's acting a bit fussy, super clingy, a bit unlike himself? It may be a leap! Check out the chart below to see where your baby falls; it may give you some insight as to how to handle these fussy periods and when you may see an end.

(Note that Wonder Weeks are from a baby's estimated due date, and not the day he or she was born. So Tycho's would be as of 25 April, his due date, and not as of his 13 April birthday.)

Night snuggles (So Good, So Dark 2013)

I hear it again… a sound in the middle of the night, echoing from two directions in our bedroom. My limbs are paralyzed in sleep; my brain responds to the noise long before the rest of my body does. Eventually they converge and my eyes start to adjust to the dim light of the nightlight in the corner of our bedroom, just in time for the rustling sound from the baby monitor to turn into whimpers.

Sharp blue lights burn my eyeballs as I glance at the clock on my bedside. 3:30. Groaning, I toss off the covers and slip on some pajama pants, tying the drawstring tight around my waist. I knew I should have gotten to bed earlier. My legs are wobbly as I stagger to the door to ease it open, allowing the pressure from the rest of the house to equalize with the bedroom. I rub some sleep from my eyes and stumble down the hallway to my son’s room.

His whimpers are increasing now, a familiar nyeh sound punctuating each cry: the signal for hunger. I can read his cues like a book; he makes it easy by being a simple study. My hand rests on the doorknob to his bedroom and I slowly open it up so as not to startle him. His crib is right across from the door, and I can see his little legs kicking out, just barely visible from the threshold.

I tiptoe to the side of his crib and pause for a second. His eyes are lightly closed, his mouth in the shape of a small O and making sucking motions; his arms are stiff and a little away from his body, which wriggles in anticipation of my waiting arms to hold him. A small smile forms on my lips as I think back to a few months ago when he did the same, with smaller eyes, a smaller mouth, a smaller body.

I acquiesce, reaching in to take the tiny baby in my hands, right under his armpits, and bring his head close to my face. In anticipation, his mouth finds my shoulder and starts to nibble, searching in vain for milk that isn't there. I kiss his chubby little cheek, cool from the ceiling fan overhead, and giggle to myself, remembering his sheer desperation for the comfort of a bosom in his first week of life. How simple it was for him to eat, feed, and sleep, but how incredibly difficult it was at the same time.

The Boppy waits by the rocker for my lap, and after I find a comfortable position, I lay my baby down and pull down my top. He’s already leaning towards me, his muscles pulling him into my body and his mouth towards my breast. It doesn't take long for him to reach his prize, and with a contented sigh, he draws milk in with slow sucks and swallows.



“Thrush?! How did I not think of that…” I was disappointed in myself, kicking myself in the pants for something I should have known. The white patch on the back of his tongue and his difficulty feeding, almost what looked like pain, made the issue glaringly apparent, but we didn't catch it until my mom’s friend saw a picture and pointed out the fungal infection.

I started to read further down the email my mom had sent with her friend’s guess as to what may be bothering him, but my eyes had become unfocused, the words blurring together. I was lost in thought – of course it was thrush! My precious six-week-old baby had that white patch since a few days after his birth, how did we not catch it?

We had tried to breastfeed the first couple weeks of Tycho’s life, but it was a struggle. Not only was it time-intensive, as he fed at least forty-five minutes every two hours, but after a few days, my nipples started to crack and bleed, with deep gouges that got worse every time we tried to feed. My toes would curl when he latched, and it took everything I had in me to not yelp in pain as he ate.

Forty-five minutes of sheer hell, then an hour dreading his next feed.

Sunny days became more bleak as we tried to soldier through. Each day led me down a darker, more twisted path, sucking me into a deep despair until I came to hate my son and hate having to feed him. My full-blown baby blues were starting to develop into something far more sinister, a black cloud hanging over my head despite the warm rays of the sun beaming down from bright blue skies.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and after two weeks and an attempt at exclusively pumping, I told Matt we were done with breastfeeding. It was too painful, too intense, too triggering. I felt more depressed each day, walking in a fog that wouldn’t lift.

“If that’s what you want to do, I fully support you.” I didn’t believe those words for a long time, but as Matt prepared Tycho’s first bottle of formula and got into a comfortable position to feed our son, I felt a great weight coming off my shoulders. Doubt crept in a number of times, but as the weeks pressed on and we found the right formula for Tycho, I felt more and more at ease.

At three months and after several applications of Nystatin and gentian violet, we finally finished our battle with thrush. My nipples had finally healed around then, too, which was a battle in itself considering the thrush had infected me, too. We found that Tycho had a milk protein allergy, and he was on a steady diet of organic soy formula. We had finally found our groove.

And at four months, I decided to change all of that.



I realize that my eyes have closed as his sucks become flutters, as his tongue rests in his mouth and his lips begin to part. Milk drunk, they call it, when baby has his fill of milk and finally comes to a place of rest. My vision is blurry again, fighting to adjust to the dark nursery, but I blink just enough to see the precious baby curled up in my lap.

We fought so hard to get to this point. Many hours at the breast pump, several milk-producing herbs and medicines, cutting out all dairy… just for this moment: a baby in my arms, an empty breast, a full tummy, and a heart bursting with love.

As I stroke his hair away from his face and bury my face into his sweet scent, I become instantly grateful for this child and for my journey to provide milk for him. I gently take his head and move it away, cover myself with my shirt, and allow his head to rest against me again. His breathing is slow, even, steady, and I find us to be in sync, our chests moving in rhythm, our breath swirling together.

The darkness swallows us once again, but this time, in a baby who sees me as his everything, I find my peace.

STOP... Helmet Time! - A 6-month update

On 13 August, we decided to stop helmet therapy and continue with repositioning, in the hope that Tycho's head shape would start to improve on its own. After doing a ton of research, we were pretty confident we were making the right choice, but that didn't make us any less nervous for our 6-month visit yesterday.

The cephalic ratio, by the way, is the difference between the head's length versus its width when looked at from above. Anything under 100% means the head is longer than wide, and anything over 100% means it's wider than it is long, with 100% obviously being equal.

Our previous appointment was in August when we decided to stop therapy. At that scan, his cephalic ratio was 100.1%, or just slightly wider than long. We admit that we were trepidatious about whether we were doing the right thing, but we decided it wasn't worth the trauma to continue. He showed no sign of asymmetry at that appointment.

The new scan from yesterday (and the one we're going to have when he's a year old) was just to see if there was any improvement with what repositional and other therapies we've been doing. Despite not having a helmet, his head actually improved to 98.2%!



While not perfect (the highest "acceptable" cephalic ratio is around 93%), it's definitely improving, and the specialist said we may continue to see improvement before he's a year old, possibly to the top end of "acceptable". We're pretty hopeful, and if anything, as the specialist reassured us, his head shape is not going to affect his brain development.

The back of his head is slightly rounder than before, too; we thought we were seeing improvement there, but the scan really showed how much better the curvature looks.



Tycho's head still does look a little flat, but we didn't expect huge changes overnight. We're confident that we'll continue to see improvement, though, and that no one will even know he had this issue when he's a toddler. :) In the meantime, we'll continue with physical therapy, repositioning, getting him upright, and so forth.

So thrilled! :)

That's my boy, all right!

While Tycho was a-cookin', I was running under the assumption that he would look little, if anything, like me. If you look at Matt's side of the family, particularly his mother's, the male genes tend to dominate every feature of their offspring, sometimes even including their daughters. Matt is an interesting mix between his father and his mother, but he still looks strikingly similar to his maternal grandpa.

So imagine my surprise when he came out looking like... well, neither of us, really. We figured he'd look like Matt as he got older, but at almost 6 months, we've determined that I reproduced by splitting off asexually:

Yeah... Matt's genes had no chance. ;)