CD13, Cycle 5

Okay, so. DH is tracking better this month than I am. I think I've reached a level of apathy that can only be matched by my absolute forgetfulness when it comes to anything baby-related.

Case in point... I keep forgetting my prenatals, lol.

Anyway, so yeah, CD13. Exciting, right?

This weekend was awesome, though. Lots of great sex (hee! I love having fun!), and we made a few major purchases: a pair of bikes and my new iPad!

That's about it from around here. I may have more reflections tomorrow, but really, work is keeping me too busy to think about that. I'm actually really thankful that's the case.

Hope y'all are doing well. :)

CD8, Cycle 5. Whatevs.

**This is a sex post. You've been warned. And possibly titillated, but I swear, that's not my fault. ;)**

I was talking to Dana the other day about this whole TTC journey, and something came up that I hated to admit to myself, much less to someone else. (You're lucky I love you, Dana. ;))

For the past four cycles, after going at it pretty much nonstop from "hey, I might be ovulating" to "watch dem temps soar!", my body had pretty much shut down sexually. I didn't crave sex, I didn't even want it most of the time. It's not entirely unusual for me to have a few days to even a week or so of general non-sexiness, but it's been relatively consistent the past four cycles.

For reference, I'm including my charts the past four months under a cut at the end of this post. From looking at them, you'll see that during each 2WW, we'd only have sex once during that time, if at all. (My third cycle, we didn't have sex at all for almost three weeks!)

There are a few things that I've noticed as a result:

• I'm much more irritable in general during that 2WW than, I imagine, I would have been if we didn't just go at it.

• My sex drive would plummet to almost nothing, to where Cycle 4, I had to actually force myself to get into the mood for sex on its own, and even more for babymaking (you know, sex "with a purpose").

• I've been more irritable with DH in specific, which puts a strain on our entire relationship. Dana and I did talk about how men's emotions are tied to physical love, and while I get it, I didn't see its true effects until I found myself (involuntarily) withholding.

Anyway... so all that having been discovered, I started to think about why I would possibly not feel interested after ovulation. Part of it, I realize, is purely physiological: We're designed to want sex during fertile periods, not during non-fertile ones. Post-ovulation is obviously non-fertile. But I was still having fun with DH all the way up until ovulation, even when I was "non-fertile", so where was the difference?

Finally, I admit to Dana... I was afraid of doing something "wrong" during the 2WW. That the embryo would jar loose, that it wouldn't "stick" (implant), that we'd somehow screw this up by screwing each other.

Of course, none of that really happens; embryo's gonna stick whether or not you get it on. And while stress isn't directly or scientifically related to infertility (or non-fertility, as the case may be), it certainly doesn't help, either.

Sunday and Monday, we had some *mind-blowing sex*. I mean... the stuff that brown-chicken-brown-cow is made of. I'm obviously not fertile right now*, but we're still enjoying each other as if I was. Honestly... I'd love to have this kind of sex more often, even if it means putting my (admittedly irrational) fears aside and just going for it.

So here's to a fun month, at least. ;)

*Though my nose is telling me otherwise. Did you know your sense of smell sharpens when you're fertile?

Marriage and Mortification: A review on Mark Driscoll's how-not-to book on marriage

I'll be the first to admit that Matt's and my marriage isn't perfect. It's fun, it's exciting, it's full of love and admiration and giving of each other completely... but it has its share of ups and downs. Fortunately, we've come to a great place where we work through those downs and celebrate the ups by coming to a place of mutual respect and understanding.

However, having had our experiences does not mean we are experts in marriage and relationships, not even close. And while we enjoy sex, we're not experts in that, either. (Matt may beg to differ. ;)) We've sometimes been asked for advice from friends, but it's not like our word is binding, nor will our advice, seldom as it is given, work for anyone else. (After all, how many of y'all actually diffuse an argument by childishly exclaiming, "You're a[n] [insert issue here]!" and collapsing into giggles? That shit doesn't work for everyone!) Their relationships are not ours.

But there are people, individuals and couples alike, who believe that they are the end-all, be-all source for marital, sexual, and relationship advice. Take, for instance, Mark Driscoll, who's been the focus of much of my internet research for a while now, especially since the release of his new book, Real Marriage: The Truth about Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. Check out a preview of the first chapter on Scribd.

[DISCLAIMER] I'll be honest and say that I haven't read the book, only the first chapter provided above and several critiques of his work, both good and bad. I probably wouldn't read it unless it was provided to me, and by that, I mean if someone literally shoved it into my hands and held a gun to my head to force me to read. I've heard (and experienced) enough misogynistic crap without having to delve into this drivel.

That being said, there are more than enough quotes from the book floating around to give me a good idea of what's between its covers (oh god, mental image, ew ew ew). I'm sure there are some gems in the book -- in fact, there's a whole chapter dedicated to how your spouse should also be your friend (though it's shrouded as a "friends with benefits" ideal that makes me squirm) -- but for the most part, it appears to be a very blatant and male-centric sex manual for today's Evangelical couple.

Also, anything quoted from his book in bold is my emphasis.[/DISCLAIMER]

[caption id="attachment_1314" align="aligncenter" width="499"] No... seriously.[/caption]

At first, the book appears to be a decent peek into marital life filled with its own shares of ups and downs. You can tell that the authors (Driscoll and his wife, aptly named Grace) have a desire to help others achieve healthy, even Godly or spiritual, relationships... but the quiet underlying message in the book is fundamentally damaging due to its misogynistic nature. Lemme tell you... if my husband wrote a book like this and cast me in this kind of light, I would be livid. Forever and ever, amen.

The book starts out with a "redemption story" of sorts, slogging through the Driscolls' marriage in its infancy and arriving at a place restructured in "God's way". Neither one of them was a virgin* before meeting in high school, and while the book is particularly quiet on the beginning of their relationship, one may infer that they were okay with that.

*The merits of the word "virgin" or "virginity" won't be discussed here, but trust me when I say I have huge misgivings with this word. More for a future post, perhaps?

But things take a turn down a very different road when Driscoll finds Jesus, starts poring through the Bible for advice on sex and women, and gleans from other Christians:

“It was there I began learning about sex and marriage from the Bible. The pastor seemed to really love his wife, and they had a faithful and fun marriage. The previous church I had attended was Catholic, with a priest who seemed to be a gay alcoholic. He was the last person on earth I wanted to be like. To a young man, a life of poverty, celibacy, living at the church, and wearing a dress was more frightful than going to hell, so I stopped going to church somewhere around junior high. But this pastor was different. He had been in the military, had earned a few advanced degrees, and was smart. He was humble. He bow hunted. He had sex with his wife. He knew the Bible. He was not religious.

In that church I met other men who were very godly and masculine. There were farmers who loved Jesus, hunters who loved Jesus, and even one guy who was on his way to having eleven daughters and two sons with one wife. They had a beautiful family and sometimes invited Grace and me over for dinner. I had never seen a family pray the way they did, sing together, and pretty much just laugh and have fun. Watching that family, I learned about the importance of a dad praying and playing with his kids, reading the Bible to them, and teaching them to repent of their sin to one another and forgive others when sinned against. It was incredible. Before long, Grace and I were volunteering our Friday nights to babysit for free so they could get a date night.” (p. 8-9)

(It might help to give a little perspective here about just the guy we're talking about: A bullying, misogynistic, chest-thumping "man" who is absolutely sex-crazed. (His sheep may say that he's just responding to a society that is, itself, sex-crazed... but at least in my opinion, he takes it about twenty steps too far.))

After that experience and learning about the f-word (hold your horses there! He means “fornication”, obvs!), he and Grace stopped sleeping together. And got engaged and married quickly after that because, after all, “fornicating was fun. I liked fornicating. To stop fornicating was not fun.”

But fornication after marriage wasn’t fun, apparently. Oh no, instead, he soon “was bitter against God and Grace” as “God’s way was a total bummer” and his “previously free and fun girlfriend was suddenly [his] frigid and fearful wife. She did not undress in front of [him], required the lights to be off on the rare occasions [they] were intimate, checked out during sex, and experienced a lot of physical discomfort because she was tense.” But of course, he pushed on, calling himself the victim the entire time.

In fact, his victimization is a common thread throughout the book, beginning with the very first chapter where Grace is cast as the damaged and sinful wife and Driscoll is cast as the deserving husband from whom sex was withheld and who is justified in leaving his wife but instead comes to her rescue (and don’t even get me started on his bizarre “seeing things”):

One night, as we approached the birth of our first child, Ashley, and the launch of our church, I had a dream in which I saw some things that shook me to my core.  I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating. It was so clear it was like watching a film — something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelation I sometimes receive. I awoke, threw up, and spent the rest of the night sitting on our couch, praying, hoping it was untrue, and waiting for her to wake up so I could ask her. I asked her if it was true, fearing the answer. Yes, she confessed, it was. Grace started weeping and trying to apologize for lying to me, but I honestly don’t remember the details of the conversation, as I was shell-shocked. Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her. (p. 11-12)

And of course, she’s “rightfully” the bad one, made to feel shamed and as less of a person... for a mistake made at eighteen! (This part is told from Grace's perspective.)

Mark had righteous anger and felt totally betrayed. He wondered who I really was and felt trapped, confused, and at a loss to know what in the world he would do now. A bomb had just dropped, and shrapnel was everywhere! Dear Lord, how could I have done this to You and my husband? How could I have acted like such a good person with such darkness in my heart? How can I ever make up for what I have done? Mark wished he hadn’t married me; I wished I hadn’t ever lied. I was pregnant and he felt trapped. I begged forgiveness but told him he had every right to leave. He felt completely stuck; I felt total shame. How could we ever get through this? Mark tried to get counsel from other men, but they didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t think we should tell anyone since we were just planting the church, but that decision only made the pain go on longer for both of us. (p. 12)

It comes out later that Grace was an abuse victim – we’re not sure if the incident at eighteen was the source of the abuse or another instance, but point is that it happened – and of course, he’s the martyr yet again in a situation in which Grace is the true victim:

Then, after more than a decade of marriage, a root issue was finally revealed. Grace’s problem was that she was an assault victim who had never told me or anyone else of the physical, spiritual, emotional, and sexual abuse she had suffered. Hearing the details of her abuse broke me. Reliving her pain with her as we worked things through was healing. Yes, it hurt deeply. But at least the hurt was from a surgery that would cut out the cancer. In forgiving and walking with Grace, I realized that I was so overbearing and boorish, so angry and harsh, that I had not been the kind of husband whom she could trust and confide in with the most painful and shameful parts of her past. I was world-class at truth telling, but my words would tear her down rather than build her up. I spoke to her more as I would to a sinful guy, but where men stood up to my challenges, she fell down. My bitterness had continued to condemn Grace, and she kept shutting down more. (p. 16)

Ya think?

And this is just the first chapter.

As I was reading through this, I couldn’t help but think back to the time I first told Matt about my own sexual abuse experience. He wasn’t the first person I had told, but he was the closest to me when I did decide to share that incident, and he felt the same feelings of pain, remorse, and utter helplessness, but he didn’t see it as a “cancer” that could be “cut out” and that was the root of any "problem" that had to be “forgiven” by him.

No... the problem, instead, is Driscoll himself and men like him, who see those incidences as things either perpetrated by or the responsibility of the abuse victim, blame them even in part for the devastating events, and even go as far as to say they need to forgive the victim for the abuse. The fact that she didn’t feel safe telling him her story was his fault, not hers, and while he acknowledges that his actions were “overbearing and boorish, so angry and harsh”, he does very little to correct it or even to learn from it.

I mean, tap-dancing Jesus on a whole-wheat cracker, this man is so dense, seeing opportunities to cut down his wife’s self-esteem and sense of worth every chance he gets while failing to see his own misgivings (of which he has a LOT):

Although I loved our people and my wife, [spending hours meeting with people untangling the sexual knots in their lives] only added to my bitterness. I had a church filled with single young women who were asking me how they could stop being sexually ravenous and wait for a Christian husband; then I’d go home to a wife whom I was not sexually enjoying. [...] We did have mediocre sex that eventually resulted in five children and one miscarriage.

The entire book seems to be based on the idea that a marriage is suited for male sexual satisfaction, and all other things – including the feelings of his own wife – come secondary. Certainly never first. It goes back to the idea that women are to be submissive to their husbands, they are called to do so by God, and they are to remain subservient even at the expense of their own desires and needs.

As with many things in marriage, communication is key. When I came to the conclusion that the cure for a lot of my moodiness was having more frequent sex with my wife, I simply told her. Yes, it’s that simple. [...] The truth was I needed to have more frequent sex with my wife, and we needed to discuss how that could happen. [...] To make matters worse, seemingly every book I read by Christians on sex and marriage sounded unfair. Nearly every one said the husband had to work very hard to understand his wife, to relate to her and when he did that to her satisfaction then, maybe, she would have sex with him as a sort of reward.

Unfair... to try to understand your wife's needs and to relate to her on a personal level. To make her more than just a sex doll that you can call whenever your dick is hard. To try to make her appear, I don't know... human.

There's so much more I could say about how disgusting this book and he is -- including his "blow-job evangelism" -- but I've gone on long enough.

Let me tell you something straight up: I think it’s rather obvious at this point that I believe Driscoll’s point of view to be misogynistic, crass, troubled, and dangerous, to name only a few. But to think that this man – who admits to his own shortcomings but does very little to learn from them and, instead, finds his wife and other women to blame for them – has absolutely anything to do with the counseling of other people, young or old, single or married, celibate or not, is terrifying.

By and large, pastors are not experts on sex. Or money, relationships, or marriage, for that matter. They may marry, they may handle finances, they may have been in several relationships and may even have a terrific marriage. But they are spiritual counselors (some of whom are not quite qualified for that job, either, but I digress) and only that. Those who are experiencing struggles in their relationships or in other parts of their lives that are not strictly of a spiritual nature (and even then, simply one point of view on spiritual matters can be harmful) should seek professional counseling. Especially when it comes to sex therapy.

And even more especially if anything Driscoll has to say is ever considered as serious.

Further, men – both Christian and otherwise – need to respect their wives for who they are, seek to understand their desires and their hopes and their dreams and their needs, stop telling them who they should be or who they are, stop forcing them into roles dictated either by scripture or by social norms, and allow their wives to be who they are both in their spiritual environments and everywhere else: As the intelligent, caring, passionate women they are.

Oh, and for something especially LOL-worthy, check out his retort to all the controversy. Obviously, we’re all prudes. Nothing at all to do with the fact that he’s a complete asswipe.

ETA: At some point, I may borrow the book from the library (provided they have it) and go through easily the most controversial chapter, Chapter 10: "Can We ______?". Apparently, Driscoll goes into disgusting detail about different sex acts and uses biblical passages (apparently often out of context or using translations that fit his own desires) to justify them. This should be interesting.

Hubris: Pride Goes Before a Fall (Pagan Blog Project 2012)

This post proved to be a very interesting one to ponder. When one thinks about hubris, their first thought is in relation to a certain deity, and coming from a place of Pagan agnosticism, I found it difficult to connect with that idea. But a recent discussion about the elements with some friends with Central Maryland Pagans proved to me that hubris can extend further than simply the idea that pissing off the gods via lack of humility can lead to a cosmic smackdown, if you will.

To give you a better idea what hubris really encompasses, I have to use an example from the pantheon from which it came: Greek mythology. Nemesis was a Greek goddess of revenge and retribution, invoked against those whose hubris and arrogance got the better of them to issue said cosmic smackdown as a force of divine reckoning. In a sense, she would give people what was coming to them, good or bad.

The writer Hesiod, among others, described Nemesis as a goddess who could not be avoided, regardless of how hard one might have tried... and sometimes the fear she could instill would do the job for her. For example, Polycrates, the tyrannical king of a Greek state, began to worry about the fact that good fortune followed him wherever he went and that, as a result, Nemesis would pay him a visit. In hopes of keeping her appeased, he made offerings all over the place. Finally, he went out in his favorite ship and tossed his most valuable and rare ring into the ocean as an offering to Nemesis. He then went home and ordered his cook to prepare a giant feast, but when the cook had hundreds of fish caught and found the ring in the belly of the largest fish caught, Polycrates became terrified that his offering might have been rejected, and he became so anxious that he couldn’t eat. He fell ill and died not long afterward.

From the Orphic Hymns, Hymn 61 (translated by Thomas Taylor):

THEE, Nemesis I call, almighty queen,
By whom the deeds of mortal life are seen:
Eternal, much rever'd, of boundless sight,
Alone rejoicing in the just and right:
Changing the counsels of the human breast
For ever various, rolling without rest.
To every mortal is thy influence known,
And men beneath thy righteous bondage groan;
For ev'ry thought within the mind conceal'd
Is to thy fight perspicuously reveal'd. 10
The soul unwilling reason to obey
By lawless passion rul'd, thy eyes survey.
All to see, hear, and rule, O pow'r divine
Whose nature Equity contains, is thine.
Come, blessed, holy Goddess, hear my pray'r, 15
And make thy mystic's life, thy constant care:
Give aid benignant in the needful hour,
And strength abundant to the reas'ning pow'r;
And far avert the dire, unfriendly race
Of counsels impious, arrogant, and base

The moral of the Nemesis mythos is, hubris is a grievous failing, and a bit of humility won’t kill you. (Your arrogance might, though.)

[caption id="attachment_1311" align="aligncenter" width="350"] Image by Joe Bergeron[/caption]

I’ve noticed, however, both in the discussion between those Pagan friends and elsewhere, that hubris tends to be a pretty prevalent issue. Among the magickal community, many people tend to see the gods as colleagues in working towards bettering their lives, but lack a sense of devotion when it comes to realizing where their gifts and their successes come from. If you lean a bit toward the religious side, you may be one to see that the gods have greater will, wisdom, and power over our lives, but many believe that their lives are controlled solely by them and assisted by the gods.

Agnostic Paganism is of no exception, nor is my particular pantheistic branch (ha! Get it? Pantheistic, branch...? Maybe it’s just me ;)), except with the Universe, nature, and the elements rather than a god/dess or pantheon. I’ve known several witches, pantheistic or not, who purport to change the weather, alter the landscape, and invoke the elements without paying respects, all without realizing the great power that these all hold.



When I lived in central Florida, I learned of a witch who called for a period without rain so they could enjoy the summer without having to dash inside for the daily thirty-minute torrential downpours that Florida summers are known for. (If you’ve ever been there, seriously, you could set your watch to those summer rains.) It was a year or so before I arrived when this witch had cast that spell, and it ended up being such a terribly dry summer that the rainfall fell into deficit and the state into deepening droughts for two straight years, affecting 2006 and 2007 and not to actually improve until 2010. Lake Okeechobee, the largest lake in Florida (you know, the state’s eyeball), remained at record low levels in 2009 and 2010, four feet below the historical average elevation for mid-January. And La Nina conditions certainly didn’t help, as it brought even longer periods of dry conditions in winter and spring.

The drought was absolutely detrimental to the landscape and to Florida as a whole. The firework and bonfire bans aside, the state suffered a crippling loss of water to where even the local agriculture and wildlife were affected. And we're talking about a state that depends on its water and its rainfall!



This is the kind of hubris I’m talking about: A certain pride or arrogance that comes with power, influence, and a desire to change the things around you. It often derives from a lack of contact with reality and an overestimation of one’s own competence or capabilities, magickal and/or mental. If you’re not fully aware of the consequences that can come from your actions, especially when dealing with powers much bigger, more frightening, and much wiser than you, then you’re not fully capable of doing those actions in the first place.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to approach our magickal practice with a bit of humility and the realization that there are, in fact, things much bigger than we are, regardless whether those “things” may be deities, elements, or the universe itself. It’s when we start believing that we, as individuals or as a collective, are placed at the center of the universe and that “nothing could go wrong” or that there’s “little risk” (ooh, doesn’t that hearken back to the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill!) that we will realize just how little we know and have learned.

List of Awesome

Thanks for all your love and good vibes yesterday, y'all. I'm so lucky to have you. :)

I'm fortunate that I actually haven't had thedoubling over in paiiiiiin! cramps that I usually get with AF. DH says that it's because I was cramping for the few days before, lol. I'm inclined to believe him, at least so it makes me feel better!

I do have to record, though, that I have a blinding headache today; remember that time I went to the neurologist to get these checked out? I should start keeping a log of when I get them and for how long so I know for future reference. So far, I had one of these that lasted a short time a few days before AF, and now two days in. This one's significantly longer, boo.

Anyway. I never thought we'd get to this point, into our fifth cycle and still trying. I know that it takes the average couple 6-12 months of active trying to finally get an embryo that sticks, but I thought it'd take us no time at all considering I haven't been on any sort of HBC since February 2010. Apparently, I was wrong, which sucks. I'm hoping this is lucky #5, and Beltane is four days before anticipated ovulation, which is rather awesome in its own right. ;)

Since it looks like I won't be pregnant enough to show too much through the summer months, I thought it'd be fun to post a "list of awesome": Things I'll be able to do in the summer and beyond if I'm not pregnant!

• Summer beach body HELLOOOO. Also means I can continue to work on my abs and do yoga more frequently. By those, I mean... actually work on my abs and do yoga.

• Margaritas and Coronas by the pool, beach, whatever.

• Screw suntan lotion... 1st degree burns all the way. ;)

• No morning sickness to coincide with heat sickness.

• I can still DO STUFF around the house.

• Since we're not saving for baby stuff, we can actually work on our front and back yards. Especially the backyard... our deck needs work like whoah. Pressure washing and sanding and staining and sealing.

• My sister's wedding can go as planned. :) Worst case scenario: I'll be heavily (but not too heavily) pregnant by then.

• DH's cousin is getting married in June, and I might be able to drink at the reception!

• No puking over Niagra Falls when we go in late June. ;)

• Being able to focus 100% on Dana's upcoming baby birth of awesome!!

• Massages. Mmm, massages... DH found a place in Baltimore with massage students, and they offer a 50-minute full body massage for $25. Guess where we're going this weekend!

• No need to buy new clothes! I LOATHE shopping for clothes... except for cute things to wear to work. Speaking of which, I need to get some cute dresses and skirts for summer coming up...

• Actually being able to sleep through the night (with the one exception of waking up due to allergies, but that has nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with being allergic to the WORLD).

• COFFEE!!! And WINE!!! And other things I probably shouldn't eat/drink while pregnant!

• Honestly, being a little selfish and self-indulgent. ;)

I'm sure there are more. Those of you TTC... want to add your own to this List of Awesome? Those of you who are pregnant, what do you miss about not being pregnant?

CD1, Cycle 5

I'm out.

Green-eyed monster

Having kind of a rough day today. Since we're back to TTC this cycle, I updated over at TCOYF's forums and am just... struck by how many BFPs there are this cycle. So many Christmas babies! I really hope that, in a few days' time, I can join them in the celebration.

(It'd be ridiculous, though, as there's Christmas and Yule and Chanukah, plus my mom's birthday (23rd) and my brother's birthday (28th), and New Year's isn't far after, nor is my IL's anniversary (4 Jan). So to add another to the mix would be insane... but very welcomed. :))

Anyway, so yes, all these BFPs going around. It's like the Pregnancy Fairy came to most everyone and went "You have a baby! You have a baby! You have a baby!" Like Oprah, you know. And with each "You have a baby!", I find myself getting that much more envious.

I felt a lot like this last cycle, so it's kind of like a familiar friend stopping by. Frenemy, really, as who needs friends like that. But it's been a very short time since my chemical, and it was kind of haphazard how quickly we decided to TTC again this cycle. Guess I'm kind of on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and it doesn't surprise me. Kind of a pissy mood, really.

That, and my pants are way too tight right now. I'm pissed. Stupid bloating. So I'm really not in a good mood. And I feel warm and cold at the same time, and I have a headache, and and I just want to go home and go to sleep.

7DPO, not testing until Saturday morning at the earliest. Gotta find a way to keep myself occupied between now and then...

Moon magick - April's Full Pink Moon

Today marks the April full moon, known by the Farmer's Almanac as the Pink Moon and in the witching world as the Seed Moon. It is a moon that marks early Spring: Flowers begin to appear, including the widespread grass pink or wild ground phlox, some of the first flowers to emerge. (There's a reason it's called the Pink Moon. :)) This moon is also called the Sprouting Grass Moon, the Egg Moon, and among coastal tribes, the Fish Moon.

It's an incredibly magickal time for sowing the seeds of magick: What do you want? Start putting the seeds in place and tend to them! This is the time to go from planning into action!

It's also a great time for fertility -- bet y'all were wondering why I was posting about the Pink Moon here. Well, there ya go. For one hoping to get pregnant, this is a great time to go for it, as seeds are blowing about in April breezes, spreading life all around. It's a great time for conception, fertility, and new growth.

Since ovulation has already passed (apparently), I'm doing a ritual today for what is called a "sticky bean" in the TTC world, that the seeds planted will bring forth new light. I'm not sure if it will involve a flower already in bloom or a seed to foster brand new growth, but the idea is still the same: To grow new life, one must tend to it and keep it blooming.

A very blessed Seed Moon, everyone. :)

Girly Parts: Seeing myself as a Goddess (Pagan Blog Project 2012)

As I discuss topics in this post that contain at least intensely suggestive dialogue, strong coarse language, intense sexual situations, or intense violence, it may have some material that may be unsuitable for children under 14 years of age. Discretion is advised.

Additionally, if you are or know someone who is a victim of sexual violence, please contact the police or RAINN at their online or phone hotline (1-800-656-HOPE). RAINN also has information on local rape and sexual violence counseling centers and state-by-state resources.

Also, long post is long. Apologies in advance.

This post proved to be more difficult to write than I thought, despite how open I can be about sex, violence, and advocacy. I guess when you start to open yourself up and start to apply these to yourself, its personal effects can run deeper than you might think. Still, though, I believe them to be important topics that need to be discussed, especially in a spiritual faith and community that revolves around sex.



Paganism is, for all intents and purposes, a sexual spirituality. Having been born and raised Roman Catholic then converting to a faith that was so open about sex, it took me a while to shed the whole "sex is BAD except for procreation" mindset, a guilt-driven belief in original sin that is instilled into you from birth. As I started researching Wicca at thirteen and claiming its beliefs as my own, I started to slowly shed that belief about sex and to accept myself for the flesh-and-blood human that I'm fortunate to be.

Any progress made as a teenager was instantly thwarted when, at eighteen, I was coerced into the home of a coworker twice my age and raped. My mind went into overdrive: God (or the gods) must be upset with me for accepting who I was and wanting to be comfortable in my own skin, through sex and otherwise, so my punishment was to force me to see and experience it as bad, especially since it was my first encounter with anything related to sex. (Like I said, that guilt-driven mindset was hard to overcome!)

So imagine the work that had to be redone to not let that moment define my life and my views on my own body and self-worth. It's difficult enough, in a culture that is already saturated in sexual guilt -- let's face it, Americans are rather puritanical when it comes to sex and one's body -- to overcome the thought that your body and your sexuality are both dirty, perverted, or otherwise wrong for being, you know, human!

As I continued along my Pagan path, slowly moving from the Wicca, from which I originally learned about Paganism, to the rather agnostic Pagan practice today, seeking counseling along the way (though I admit it took a few years to come to terms with the rape and even get counseling for that), I found that I was quite uncomfortable with Pagan morality and sex. They were so... open about it! So willing to not only talk about it, but also explore it and be open with each other. And the rituals held were, especially around Ostara and Beltane, driven almost solely by sex. Even mundane rituals were ended with an athame being driven into a chalice, representing the male and female and their bond through sex.



I was uncomfortable with it, let's be honest. My girly parts and sense of self-worth were called into question at every ritual, every Sabbat, every Pagan gathering. While I never let it show, I did wrangle with it on the inside, battling the demons that insisted that my body and every part of it was dirty and not worth any attention. In fact, the less attention called, the better, as I could then pretend they didn't exist, seeing myself as some asexual being and protecting myself from what I actually was.

Don't even get me started on social constructs, by the way, where a woman must be both sexy and innocent. Just... I'm not even going to go there today.

The strange part is, I always found myself talking to other women (and men -- yes, sexual abuse absolutely happens to men, too) who have been through the same thing and were comfortable telling me about their experiences. While I didn't do a lot of talking myself, I did feel it to be very important for these people to tell their stories and to realize that what happened (1) wasn't their fault, (2) has no bearing on their worth as a person, and (3) does not (and should not!) define who they are or who they will become. I loved that others felt comfortable telling me this, and I felt blessed every time to be the medium by which they might learn those points above.

But where did I come in? Did I believe all these for myself?

Then something happened, right about at my early- to mid-twenties. A mind-shift, you might say, where I one day decided that was some stupid shit, to think that such a natural part of life as sex was treated as something shameful and dirty. I had read Dianne Sylvan's The Body Sacred (if you haven't read it, seriously, drop whatever it is you're doing (after reading this post, of course) and devour it with your eyeballs) and decided to take a good, hard look at myself. Not just what I could see upon glancing at myself in the mirror, either, or even delving into the recesses of my brain -- I had done enough of that in the years preceding this moment.

Nope... I had to look at myself even deeper. When I was at my most exposed, most uncomfortable... and at my most vulnerable.



It started with a simple strip-search, peeling away each layer of both my clothes and my repose as I examined every square inch of my body, until I found myself teetering at the edge. It was my own personal form of torment, but let's face it: The only way to become more comfortable with your body and more acquainted with how you truly feel about it, is to experience it fully.

When I finally got to where I had avoided for all those years, I took the chance to look at and examine everything. And when I say everything, I mean... everything. Sitting-on-the-floor-and-poking-around-with-a-mirror-in-one-hand-and-my-girly-parts-in-another kind of everything. It was, by far, the most intimate I had ever gotten with my body. Other people -- namely men, but I've never been opposed to women! That's just how it worked out -- have had a better chance to check all this out than I ever had before then, and it was mostly because I lacked the same enthusiasm.

It still took me a while to be comfortable in my skin -- all of it! -- but I find every day that I am, in fact, made perfectly and function perfectly. No matter whether it was God, Goddess, Spirit, nature, whatever... whoever was in charge of making me did a pretty damn fine job of it. And there's no reason to be ashamed of who I am, what I am, and what I do, provided that it is all what I want for myself.

[caption id="attachment_1284" align="aligncenter" width="316" caption="Ooh look, double entendre!"][/caption]

Nowadays, I see myself as a goddess and try to express myself as one, both in everyday life and sexually. I may have days where I feel fat, or feel run-down, or do something so stupid that I feel like I'm not worth much... but no matter what I do, how I feel, or what I look like, I am created in someone's perfect image with ways in which I can feel confident and sexy, and therefore am upon myself a goddess.

I believe you all are, too. Embrace your inner god/dess. Do it for yourself, as no one else will or should do it for you.

And most of all, check yourself out and see yourself for the god/dess you really are. :)

NASA Goddard encourages and celebrates different faiths - Part 2!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="@NASAGoddard"][/caption]

I was hoping to get one for last month, but sadly, I didn't. That's okay, though! Matt's workplace still does these, and it's nice to see how inclusive they are of all religions. (See all the way at the bottom for Beltane!)

Like the one in February, below is the section of the email sent to all NASA Goddard employees this morning with the holidays for the month of April, including some links at the bottom with additional information and a diversity calendar. And thank you to Matt for sharing!

April 1

All Fools’ Day (International)  The origins of this day are probably in France in 1564 when the change of the Gregorian calendar moved New Year’s Day from April 1 to January 1.  Those who insisted on celebrating the “old” New Year became known as “April Fools,” and it became common to play jokes and tricks on them.

April 1

Palm Sunday (Christian) Commemorates the day Jesus Christ was given a king’s entry into Jerusalem, marked by the strewing of palm leaves before him.  Marks the beginning of Holy Week, a time of solemn devotion to and memorializing of the suffering (passion), death, and burial of Jesus Christ that followed, begins today.

April 1

Ramanavami (Birthday of Rama) (Hindu).  Celebrates the birth of Shri Rama, one of the incarnates of the Hindu god Vishnu.  Fasting is common on this date.

April 1

La Semana Santa (Holy Week) (Latin America, Spain) Celebrated April 1-8, 2012 this is one of the highest holy days of the year is Easter for Latino Catholics.  Holy week involves solemn processions, masses, and prayer.  Cascarones (confetti-filled, painted egg) is a custom in Mexico and the U.S.

April 2

World Autism Awareness Day (International) A day to acknowledge that autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the world.  As many as 1 in 150 children are affected, and the disease does not discriminate by geography, class or ethnicity.

April 5

Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday (Christian) is the Christian feast or holy day falling on the Thursday before Easter that commemorates the Last Supper of Jesus Christ with the Apostles.

April 5

The Memorial of Jesus Christ’s Death/ Lord’s Evening Meal (Jehovah’s Witness)  

On the evening of Nisan 14, 33 C.E., Jesus introduced a special observance that the Bible calls “the Lord’s evening meal.” (1 Corinthians 11:20; Matthew 26:26-28). Jesus instituted it to help his apostles and all true Christians after them to bear in mind that by means of his death as a perfect human, he gave his soul, or life, as a ransom. Regarding this observance, Jesus commanded: “Keep doing this in remembrance of me.” (Luke 22:19) Observing the Memorial reminds us of the great love shown by both Jehovah and Jesus in connection with the ransom. We can show our appreciation for the ransom by being present at the yearly observance of the Memorial of Jesus’ death. This year the anniversary falls on Thursday, April 5, after sundown.  Jehovah’s Witnesses engage in a special campaign a few weeks before the event distributing invitations to neighbors worldwide to attend this most sacred event.  Please check with Jehovah’s Witnesses locally for the exact time and place.

April 6

Good Friday (Christian) Culminates the Lenten season and commemorates the crucifixion of Christ.  There are few explanations as to why the holiday is known as "Good" Friday since it commemorates a sorrowful time in Christianity. Some scholars believe that "good" is a corruption of the word "God's" while others speculate that "good" was used to denote "holy".

April 6

National Tartan Day (Canada, U.S.) Tartan Day was established by an act of Congress in 1998 to recognize the role Scottish Americans played in the founding of the nation and to acknowledge the many contributions that have been made by people of Scottish ancestry. Some notable Americans of Scottish descent include John Witherspoon, Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Carnegie, Woodrow Wilson, and Sir Alexander Fleming. Tartan Day also commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Arbroath, the Scottish Declaration of Independence, on April 6, 1320.

April 7

Passover (Jewish) Am eight day festival marking the liberation of the Isrealites from bondage in Egypt.  Traditionally, the first and last two days are viewed as holy, while dietary restrictions last the entire week. Begins at sundown the previous day.

April 7

The Annunciation (Coptic & Eastern Orthodox Christian) This holy date celebrates the Angel Gabriel’s announcement to Mary of Galilee that she would be the mother of Jesus.

April 8

Buddha’s Birthday (Vesak) (Buddhist) Celebrates the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama.  He is thought to have lived in India from 563 to 483 BCE.

April 8

Easter (Christian) This is the holiest day for Christians. It celebrates the resurrection of Jesus after he was crucified and died in Jerusalem. It is Jesus' suffering and death on the cross, often referred to as the "passion," followed by his resurrection that is central to Christian faith. Easter culminates the penitential period of Lent that starts with Ash Wednesday. Palm Sunday, which marks the entrance of Jesus into Jerusalem, occurs one week before Easter. Easter is a joyous holiday, since it marks for Christians the fulfillment of the Biblical prophecy of the coming of the Messiah. Many churches hold sunrise services on Easter Sunday to symbolize the return of light to the world after Jesus' resurrection. The day is observed with feasts and celebrations. The name "Easter" reflects many pagan customs that are now associated with the holiday. Present day scholars accept St. Bede's theory that "Easter" is derived from the "Ostern" and "Ostra", Teutonic and Scandinavian goddess associated with spring and fertility. The Easter egg is an example of the pagan origins of Easter. Pagans believed that eggs symbolized earth being reborn each spring. Christianity adapted this custom to symbolize the rebirth of humanity. Easter eggs were first decorated in the late 13th century C. E. but the most famous eggs were created by Carl Faberge.

April 8

Palm Sunday (Coptic & Eastern Orthodox) Palm Sunday is observed on this day according to the Julian calendar followed by Coptic Orthodox Christians and Eastern Orthodox Christians. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, Palm Sunday is often called the Entry of the Lord into Jerusalem and is the beginning of Holy Week. On Lazarus Saturday, the day before Palm Sunday, believers prepare palm fronds by knotting them into crosses in preparation for the procession on Sunday.

April 13

Vaisakhi (Sikh)  Marks the first day of the Hindu New Year, celebrated in several countries and Indian states.  It is widely celebrated by Sikhs as the day when Guru Gobind Singh chose five leaders, known as the Panch Payare, and declared this day as the birthday of the Sikh nation.

April 13

Good Friday (Coptic & Eastern Orthodox Christian). Also known as Great Friday, this is the day Coptic Orthodox Christians and Eastern Orthodox Christians commemorate Jesus' crucifixion.

April 15

Easter (Coptic & Eastern Orthodox Christian) Easter is celebrated on this day according to the Julian calendar followed by Coptic Orthodox Christians and Eastern Orthodox Christians. In the Orthodox church, the celebration of Easter begins just before midnight on Holy Saturday with the lighting of candles during Easter midnight mass.

April 19

Holocaust Memorial Day (Yom Ha-Shoah) (Jewish) This day has been designated by Israel's Knesset, or Parliament, as a memorial to the 6 million Jews killed by the Nazis in their program of mass extermination of all Jews in Germany and the countries under German occupation. This program, building on long-standing anti-Semitism, began with arrests and imprisonment of Jews in the early 1930’s and extended in the 1940’s to forcing Jews into slave labor camps and extermination in death camps such as Treblinka, Sobibor, and Auschwitz. May be observed by a fast from sundown the previous day to sundown this day

April 20

National Day of Silence (GLBT)  A day to protest the discrimination, harassment and abuse – in effect, the silencing – of members of the GLBT community.

April 21

Festival of Ridvan (Baha'i)  A 12-day celebration commemorating Baha’u’llah’s stay in the Garden of Ridvan.  During this time, the prophet-founder of the faith made his declaration of his mission as God’s messenger.  Begins at sundown the previous day.

April 22

Earth Day (United States)  First observed in 1970 to call attention to pollution in the environment and the need to conserve natural resources. Now celebrated internationally on various dates as a time to call attention to the need to conserve natural resources.

April 25

Administrative Professionals Day (United States) National Professional Secretaries Week and National Secretary's Day was created in 1952 as a holiday in recognition of the importance of secretaries.  The National Secretaries Association was formed to recognize the contributions of secretaries and other administrative personnel to the economy, to support their personal development and to help attract people to administrative careers in the field. The association's name was changed to Professional Secretaries International in 1981 and, finally, the International Association of Administrative Professionals (IAAP) in 1998. In 2000, IAAP announced that names of the week and the day were changed to Administrative Professionals Week and Administrative Professionals Day to keep pace with changing job titles and expanding responsibilities of the modern administrative workforce. Administrative Professionals Day® highlights the important role of administrative professionals in all sectors of the modern economy worldwide. It is on the Wednesday of Administrative Professionals Week®, which is on the last full week of April. Many employers and supervisors arrange events to show their appreciation of the work carried out by administrative professionals

April 26

Gathering of Nations Powwow (4/23–25) (American Indian)  This three-day event, held annually at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque, is the largest powwow in North America. More than five hundred tribes from Canada and the United States come every year to participate in this celebration of American Indian culture, which features drum groups and ceremonial singing, chanting, and dancing in traditional dress. There are exhibitions of American Indian artifacts and authentic Indian crafts for sale. The Gathering of Nations organization seeks to promote the traditions and culture of the American Indian people in the most positive manner possible and to dispel stereotypes created about the Indian people. The powwow provides educators with an opportunity to develop instructional materials on Indian history and culture for elementary and secondary schools. (m)

April 26

Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day (United States) Parents are encouraged to bring their daughters (and/or sons) to work on this day, and to use this opportunity to educate their children on the nature of employment. Information regarding Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day events at Goddard in Greenbelt is forthcoming, check Dateline later this week.

April 27

Arbor Day (US) Arbor Day is a nationally-celebrated observance that encourages tree planting and care. Founded by J. Sterling Morton in 1872, it's celebrated on the last Friday in April.

April 30

Beltane (Celtic, Pagan) Beltane divided the ancient Celtic year in half.  Fires were often lit to symbolize contact with the life-giving sun.  The holiday is one of the “Greater Sabbats” during the Wiccan year and celebrates the union of the Goddess and God.

April 30

Día de los Niños (Latin Americans) A holiday recognizing children as the center of the Latino family.

We invite you to visit the Web sites used to compile this calendar for additional information. There you will find a wealth of information on days that are recognized throughout the world. Please find the sources listed below:

http://www.diversityresources.com/rc/index.php?key=LTaqtAOLBkCP

http://www3.kumc.edu/diversity/

http://www.diversitycalendar.com/Home.html

Delayed ovulation after chemical pregnancy

I was going to ask this question to a couple LJ boards, but since I don't really have a question question, I'm just going to post it here. :)

Obviously, we had a recent chemical. We weren't going to try this cycle regardless considering a few issues, but one thing led to another and, about two weeks into this cycle, DH and I decided to go for it anyway. I'm currently CD19.

DH is a little concerned because, according to my chart, I haven't ovulated yet. I did have some ovulation pain the past two days (ughhh, always from the right...) and very, VERY positive OPKs from Monday afternoon through late last night (seriously, I need to post pictures of these later), and I know it could take about 24 hours from ovulation for a temp spike to happen. I'm wondering, though, if it even happened.

This is where I pretty much stopped and thought, screw this, I'm not posting it to LJ. I don't have a question, I have a waiting game. Which isso much more fun than a question, let me tell you.

Since DH brought it up this morning, I've been Googling "delayed ovulation after chemical pregnancy", as I have yet to have a temp spike and am now worried that something's going on. After wading through message boards and trying to find something that wasn't a "let's all commiserate with the OP!", I did end up finding some good nuggets of truth.

Keep in mind that the chemical was after less than two weeks, but still enough time for hCG to kick in. Parts underlined are my emphasis.

The term chemical pregnancy is used to refer to the phenomenon of miscarriage which is what a spontaneous termination of pregnancy is called. A miscarriage or chemical pregnancy occurs when the pregnancy is spontaneously ended within 20 weeks of conceiving. It may be quite an emotionally distressing experience for a pregnant woman, especially if it's her first pregnancy. However, the physical consequences of a miscarriage are usually not very serious or worrisome, and little or no biological damage takes place. The most common symptom is bleeding, which may or may not be accompanied by mild abdominal pain or slight cramping of the abdominal muscles. Although physical recovery is quite a speedy process and the body quickly reverts to its normal, pre-pregnancy condition, the psychological recovery often takes quite a long time. However, post miscarriage, the one concern that claims the entire attention of a woman who wishes to conceive, is that of ovulation after chemical pregnancy. The burning questions at this point are – "Would my periods resume and be normal after this?", and "When will I begin ovulating again?"

Ovulation After Miscarriage

In the usual course, the menstrual cycles and ovulation should resume within a week or two. However, when you start ovulating after having a chemical pregnancy, totally depends upon the level of HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) in your body. HCG is a hormone that is produced by the developing embryo during pregnancy. This hormone triggers the corpus luteum to produce the female hormone progesterone. Progesterone thickens and prepares the endometrium, the inner wall of the uterus, for implantation in case fertilization of an ova takes place. This hormone is usually produced during ovulation and if fertilization does not occur at this point, the endometrium is shed and it breaks down and leaves the body in the form of menstrual blood. This phenomenon is what we call menstruation, or more colloquially, periods.

Now, coming back to ovulation after spontaneous abortion, once the pregnancy gets terminated and the undeveloped embryo leaves the body along with the bloody discharge (which is characteristic of a miscarriage), the levels of HCG start to drop. This leads to a drop in the production of progesterone, and the body goes back to normal and the reproductive system resumes its routine menstrual and ovulation cycle. However, this process takes some time which is usually about a week or two for most women who have no other complications of the reproductive or endocrine system as such. Usually, for the normal menstrual cycles and ovulation to resume, the HCG level should ideally go way below 5.

Late Ovulation After Chemical Pregnancy

Although ovulation later than 2 - 4 weeks after a chemical pregnancy is not that uncommon, anything that goes beyond 5 weeks should concern you. Most cases of delayed ovulation after chemical pregnancy are caused by hormonal imbalances in your body. The most common among these is when the HCG takes painfully long to drop to zero or even below 5. This can lengthen the gap between a miscarriage and the next ovulation. Although a lot of medicines and herbal remedies are available that shorten the duration of the menstrual cycles and helps you to start ovulating within normal time range after a miscarriage, it is always best to consult the doctor rather than embarking upon a self medication spree.

In case you don't resume your normal menstrual cycles even 4 - 6 weeks after a chemical pregnancy, you should consult your gynecologist, who will run the appropriate tests to determine the root cause of this delay. If it's a hormonal imbalance thing, your doctor will prescribe you the right medications and therapy, so that you get back on the right track and try to conceive again, successfully. In case it's something other than a hormone thing, say a fertility issue, then your gynecologist is the best person to suggest you appropriate programs and workshops that will help you conceive again. In the meanwhile, and through all this, you should stay calm, be patient, and harbor oodles of positivity and hope for your future maternity prospects!

So we'll see. We're taking a break today and maybe even tomorrow to see how everything falls in line.

Honestly, though, I was counting this cycle out anyway, so if we end up not conceiving this time around, I won't be terribly bummed. Still, though, the way the CP is affecting my cycle is nothing short of weird. Oh, hormones.

I guess we're trying this month.

I just need to rant. :) My sister got married in a civil ceremony on 15 February of this year, with plans for a bigger wedding and reception in mid-December. Because of these plans, DH and I put our own TTC plans on hold this month as we live in MD, my sister and her husband live in FL, and we didn't want to be that pregnant to the point where we might not be able to attend.

Well... I'm glad I talked to her Friday. She is an incredibly flaky person who will drop and pick up things on a whim, so when she told me that they have yet to secure a place or even make solid plans toward their ceremony/reception, but that they're actually thinking about pushing it back a month or two or more, I wasn't at all surprised. I was, however, pretty upset. I didn't tell her my emotions, but I did let her know that we didn't try TTC this month* because of her wedding, so to push it back another month or two (which thereby puts our plans on hold)... well, IDK.

*Yup, my sister knows we're trying. My mom does, too, and I'm sure my dad knows by proxy. DH's mom, (probably) step-dad, and grandparents know.

I'm not upset that they want to push it back. I'm cool with that. But I'm not happy that they were hellbent on a date and had told us two months ago that they had a venue for that date and were putting their deposit down. So we fully expected to hold off this month, no big deal. For her to say now that they didn't do that and that they're considering pushing it out even later?

This journey has been frustrating enough, which she of course doesn't know, so I'm not blaming her for that. It took me a bit to recover from our chemical last cycle, and I was totally fine with waiting this cycle because of that (it actually came at a good time, if you can imagine that). We were excited about getting started back up next month.

I talked to DH about it, and he's frustrated, too. He's known my sister for almost seven years now, so he knows her patterns and so forth. When he said we should try this month anyway, I was not at all surprised by that, either...

... so that's exactly what we're doing. We're going along with the trying, and we're lucky that we found all this out before ovulation (I'm CD...17 this cycle? Maybe? I've been writing down temps, but only for reference, so I don't know off the top of my head, lol). No matter what, we'll make it work with my sister's (now eventual) wedding, but we're not going to put our plans on hold for plans of hers that will likely never stick.